I will soon be joining the ranks of those who have lost their fur babies

[TorchTheWitch]

What was originally thought to be a knee injury in my dog has indeed turned out to be bone cancer. It's an extremely aggressive type of cancer for which there is almost never any hope. Even amputation of the leg and bombarding with chemo (if one can afford such a thing) only usually ever buys a very minimal amount of time and really only if you happen to be one of those very lucky ones where it's possible to have it discovered early enough... and of course there's the quality of life question concerning that. Even if I had all the money in the world to do everything that could be done I wouldn't do it. His quality of life - what extremely little of it he has left - would be so much worse than how he is now.

I've known for the past two months that this was a possibility (however slight it may have been when he first presented) - the vet made sure I knew that so I could start wrapping my head around it in case it did turn out that way - and though it lurked at the back of my mind I just couldn't face that as anything more than just another thing in a long list of possibilities of what could be wrong with him. But it simmered in my gut nonetheless however hard I tried to convince myself that bone cancer just couldn't be "it", and as he's gotten progressively worse particularly with the weight loss more and more I just couldn't hide myself from it becoming a greater and greater possibility. With every lengthy conversation with the vet the possibility of cancer was climbing higher and higher on the list. By last night I think I knew in my heart that the worst case scenario was probably going to turn out to be "it", so when we went to the vet today and I got the news it didn't come as a shock. But it still tore out my heart.

While we were at the vet today I know the most humane thing to have done would probably have been to go ahead and do the big sleep right then. But I just couldn't. At this point his pain is minimal and I NEED the scant week or maybe two to spend with him and try to come to grips with what I have to do... and when to do it.

He's now started heavy duty doses of several different types of pain meds to try to make him as comfortable as possible for his little bit of life he has left and to maybe eek out just a wee bit more of that time... though we're really talking the difference between one week or two weeks or (possibly, maybe, hopefully) even three of him being in a relatively comfortable state. After all, the real purpose here is for ME to have just a little bit of time left with him to hug and cuddle and enjoy while I try to get a handle on what's happening and what I have to do... and how in the world I'll deal with the aftermath. And it's that aftermath that is going to be the worst. Waking up and realizing you're all alone, coming home and going through the door with no one to greet you with boundless joy that you're back, no one to have always in the back of your mind wondering if he needs you for anything or what he's up to and if he's missing you while you're away, or just someone who loves you breathing somewhere in the immediate vacinity, and on and on and on.

I've been through this before, but this time is so very much harder. With my previous dog he was old, and I knew for months and months his time was drawing near and it was just a matter of deciding when, and he was already at the vet for something else entirely when the decision was made though if I hadn't done it then he'd only have maybe a couple more days before needing to do another emergency vet visit... and I made the decision then in great part due to knowing that I wouldn't be able to cope with having the "last appointment" and having to do the drive there knowing what was coming and that I'd be driving home alone to an empty house. This time there is such little time to come to grips with it, he's only not quite six years old and much too young for this, and I'm going to have to do that "last appointment" (knowing that it will be) that I was able to avoid before. I'm so afraid that when the time for that "last appointment" comes I just won't have the strength to go through with it and actually get us there however much I know it is the right thing and has to be done for his sake.

This couldn't possibly have happened at a worse time in my life when absolutely everything is going wrong and he's been the only real reason I hauled my ass out of bed every day. I'd really started to think I must be cursed with every new devastating horrible thing to drop on my head one after another until I was buried in it right up to my neck... and now THIS. I must indeed be cursed.

And I'm shattered.

And I'm going to have to go lay down now and try to keep from flying apart at the seams.

[trof]

1. Next to losing a child or parent, this is the hardest.

It's especially bad because YOU have to make the decision when it's time to let them go.
Been there, done that, more times than I wish.
All the best to you.
:hug:

[LisaM]

2. Take advantage of the time

It's not just for you - your baby will have a wonderful time feeling loved. It works both ways.

We have a sick dog too - old, multiple problems - and I pretty much see every extra month as a gift.

[stuntcat]

3. you are not cursed :hug:

terrible things do pile on this way sometimes, maybe this is the lowest point :hug:
Just remember how he's had love in his life and someone watching out for him.

[RebelOne]

4. I feel your pain

Last July, I had to put down my Rottweiler. She had been my best friend for over 10-1/2 years. I adopted her from a friend when she was 2 years old. She was the most wonderful dog anyone could have. But she had bone and liver cancer. I did not want to let her go, so gave her all the meds that I could to keep her as comfortable as possible in the little time she had left. Finally, the meds were not working anymore and I knew she was in extreme pain and could barely walk any longer. I had to take her to that final heartbreaking trip to the vet. I know how you feel. But I know that she had a good life with me. She was just 2 months short of her 13th birthday. Even though your doggie is so young, be comforted that you gave him a good life in the years he had with you.

[Curmudgeoness]

5. I am so sorry to hear this. You will know when the time comes,

and it will be so hard. Do what you can until that time. Don't put the dog through too much pain just because you don't want to deal with this---but I really doubt that you will.

This is so hard. I feel terrible for you and wish I could just give you a big hug. :hug:

Don't they say some idiotic thing like it is always darkest before the dawn? I am sending vibes to you that other things in your life calm down so you can deal with this. Wishing you the best, and give a kiss to that wonderful dog for me.

[david13]

6. I have a very old cat. He has been with me for more than 20 years,

and he was full grown when I got him.
He hobbles around. I know he does not have much time left. Fortunately he manifests no particular illnesses.
But a day will soon come when he doesn't wake up.
This was the case about 3 years ago with another cat about 18 years old.
But I have already brought in another young one. And I will do the same when this one is gone.
There are so many animals out there today with no home and no hope.
And even to my last day I will be looking to the future.
dc

[Moondog]

7. The worst thing about companion animals is that we tend to outlive them.

My sympathies.

[TBF]

8. Lost our lab last month -

It was our 2nd rescue lab and was only with us 8 months. A few good months, and then both his heart and kidneys started having trouble (Vet thinks it was directly connected to heartworm he had before we got him - sometimes the effects on the organs are pretty harsh with a bad case). I still miss him, he was my baby and walked with me during the day.

But I have kept myself busy. Instead of waiting 2 years, like I did after we lost our first lab (she was old - we rescued her and had her over 8 years), I found a puppy in our area (11 mos) who needed to be re-homed due to allergies. Also a lab, but a little bigger, and he is keeping me busy with walks and training because he is active and, well, he's still a puppy. My kids love him and hopefully he will be with us a long time.

You'll know when the time is right, you'll do what is best for him. I'm so sorry.

[MiddleFingerMom]

9. I'm sorry you and he are going through this.

.
.
.
i've had cats most of my adult life -- always kind of "accidentally".
.
.
.
NoName picked ME out of all the Humane Society visitor (two days
running!!!!) and we had 8 years together before she died suddenly
and unexpectedly at the age of 10.
.
.
.
I cried HARD for two days... and can still feel the loss and the
"aloneness". I'm not able at the time to rescue another cat, or
I most certainly would.
.
.
.
Enjoy and celebrate with your fur-friend in the time you have left.
Don't hesitate for one day -- not one HOUR -- when you know it is
time. Try to stay with him so he will know you are there at the end.
Now, and after, try to stay focused on the love and joy the two of
you have given each other -- each life blessed by the other's.
.
.
:hug:
.
.
.

[hobbit709]

10. I feel the pain.

I lost Wheezie less than two weeks ago and tonight Jake can't get up. I gave him half an aspirin and will take him to the vet in the morning. All I could do is put him on a blanket and make him comfortable tonight.

[burrfoot]

So sorry. No other words. n/t

[burrfoot]

11. dupe n/t

[Maru Kitteh]

12. Can you find a vet who will come to your home when the time comes? It's less traumatic for him and

for you as well. I hate the idea of taking animals to die in a strange place where they are so scared. I haven't had to do this, but our neighbor has - and we have the vet's card on the side of the fridge.

[stuntcat]

13. oohh yeah

This is so much easier for animals, they feel better at home than anywhere else, especially dr's offices.

[TorchTheWitch]

15. that's always a possibility

Depending on his condition and necessity. This situation (logistically) is much more difficult than when I went through this before because there are a variety of things that could happen that could blow the whole "plan of action" out of the water. I'm trying as best I can with this in mind to plan his journey to be as peaceful and loving and ideal as it can be. But because of his unique medical situation (that's very different than my previous dog's situation) there's a number of things that could occur that would make where, when, by whom and under what circumstances kind of a crap shoot.

Ideally, I want the doc who has been treating him since the whole foot/knee/leg problem since it first reared its ugly head to be the one to send him on his way at the clinic. Boo will be most comfortable with someone he knows and has become most familiar with him recently - a stranger would be the absolute worst case scenario for him (and definitely for me, too). He's gone to this clinic all his life and is familiar with the place and all the people that work there. It also happens to be the best damn vet clinic in the entire world, bar none. I need their impeccable professionalism and honest and heartfelt compassion, and I wouldn't be able to trust that to another clinic or a stranger vet.

Though he'd be best off with this particular doc for his journey, Boo would hate his coming to the house. He's very territorial, most particularly with the actual house (as opposed to the yard, porch, etc.). Anyone ever coming in the house is of utmost concern to him because I personally don't feel very comfortable with anyone in my house, so I avoid as much as I can all such situations where even loved ones come in the house. This is just a quirk of mine that I've long since figured out is just best to accept. The inside of my house is like my "safe haven" much like a dog would consider his crate or a closet or under a table or whatever particular spot he'd choose as his "safe haven" to be and where he'll go to feel most comfortable and safe when ever he feels scared or sad or sick or just doesn't want to be bothered... and any invasion of that space even by loved ones makes it suddenly feel not such a safe haven at all. It's just that for me it's the whole house (not that there's all that much of it really). Because of my quirk of feeling a bit twitchy with even my own beloved mother in my house he inherited by default that same discomfort. The yard, the porch, the car... all that is a different story then the sacred space of the inside of the house (and it's the same for me).

Something else that really bothers me about the possibility of a vet coming to the house... I couldn't stand to see him picked up and carried away after he passes. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't want to see him "looking" dead. He's a big boy and his body would either have to be carried off by two people or one big strong one, and I'm not seeing any possible way that could be done without him "looking" like a dead dog. Ok, I know, I don't have to look... but I know I will. I'll feel like I have to just to make sure he's being treated respectfully, that he isn't accidentally dropped or who knows what other accidental (but to me horrifying) thing may happen. There's also the physical logistics of his body being carried away... there's only street parking here, and the odds of whoever comes to do the deed and take the body away is going to have to do a bit of a hike in order to put him in the vehicle. And then there are the ever so nosy neighbors... this has to be a private time for me, him and the angel who sends him on his way. To have that invaded by nosy neighbors (especially the really uncouth ones who think it's a good idea to involve themselves in your most private of moments by making it a point to invade it as thoroughly as possible because they think they're being helpful and supportive)... no way, no how, not happening.

When I did this with my previous dog, he never looked dead. In fact, he looked so not dead I insisted on staying with him until I could unmistakably detect some physical sign that would prove to me that he was. So my last visual image of him is of him lying on the floor on his belly on a nice blankie looking exactly like he was just having a snooze. Even the idea of my last image of Boo actually looking like a dead dog makes me feel sick to my stomach.

In the event that something should occur that for some reason I'm not even able to envision right now that there would be a need for a vet to come to the house to send Boo on his way I'm pretty sure my vet would do that, but it's a question I actually considered asking him about just in case if only just to relieve my mind about it.

Thanks so much for bringing this up because I realized when I started responding to your post that it was so helpful to me in terms of thinking these things out purely logistically, which is something I'm having grave difficulty doing on my own because on my own in my own head it's almost impossible to think clearly about all this because of the whole emotional bit throwing my logical problem solving thoughts completely off the rails.

:hug:

[Pool Hall Ace]

14. I am so sorry.

And what everyone says is true; every moment with your furry baby is a gift. Just live in the present moment and enjoy the mutual lovies. :loveya: :hug: