Grief management..can anyone point me to what to do next?

[HipChick]

Background story...my brother lost his wife at a young age to cancer. She passed shortly before her 33rd birthday, about 3 years ago. She left behind a 9yr girl, that he is currently raising as a single father. I've tried to help him as much as I can with my niece. He and his wife were together since teenage years, they wanted to work, build a home together, and then have a child. This dream came crashing down on them, when she took sick with liver cancer. At the time, I encouraged him to seek grief conselling with his daughter also. It is 3 years later, and he still has not moved on. He gets down,depressed, connected to these cycles of when his wife got sick,her birthday, their anniversary etc. He is holding onto her memory, and not letting go. He calls me and cries and it breaks my heart, because he is my little bro, and I am at a loss to what to do next. He half-heartly started dating again, but confess to me, he feels like he is cheating on his dead wife. I get that he really loved her, and I cannot even begin to put myself in his shoes. My niece has been so courageous about this, sometimes she comes bouncing in the door, annoucing that Daddy has been crying again about Mummy, and she doesn't know why, because Mummy is in Heaven, and isn't coming back. Any advise?

[auntAgonist]

1. I have no sage words of advice to offer...

my heart goes out to you and to your brother and your niece.

You might want to cross post this to the bereavement group here on DU (?)

There are some mighty compassionate and unfortunately experienced (in this kind of thing)people posting there.


http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topics&forum=323

:grouphug:

aA
kesha

[HipChick]

8. thank you..I was not aware of that forum

[Demoiselle]

2. I have NO expertise in these matters...but...

I have personal experience with depression and mental illness in my family, and it sounds to me like your brother is beyond the "grief counseling" stage and has settled into a difficult depression that may be rooted in his own psyche and not in the loss of his wife. I'd recommend that he see a good psychiatrist/psychologist counselor and encourage him to get into his own head more deeply. Meds, talking, serious introspection all sound like good ideas to me. Please know that I am not minimizing his loss. I wish you all the best.

[Brickbat]

3. He needs some help, if not for his own sake then for the sake of his daughter.

You can't make him do it, but you can share your concerns. Everyone mourns in his or her own way, but there is a point where the grief becomes manageable and is packed into its own box -- the person still carries the box around, but the contents aren't strewn all over the place for the person to trip on and get tangled in. And eventually, the person might put the box down and walk on.

<--- loves extended metaphor

[Amerigo Vespucci]

4. My church has a grief support group...

...I don't know how you'd feel about something like that, but it's a possibility. Also, local "crisis hotlines" aren't just for suicides...they can point you to grief management resources.

The critical aspect of something like this, I've found, is to be around people who are trained to listen and not judge, not give "advice"...people who are suffering often want one thing more than anything else, and that is to be heard. That translates into "caring," and "caring" translates into "I'm not alone." The most debilitating aspect of grief is when someone feels like they are under a burden that no one sees, no one cares about. A little compassion and someone willing to listen can go a long way in accelerating the healing process.

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you deal with this.

[RebelOne]

5. I have no advice, but at least your niece understands

about what happened to her Mummy and is not grieving any longer. She sounds like a very brave and intelligent girl.

[HipChick]

7. that little girl is an 'old' soul.I told her mother on her deathbed that i would help look after her

She has been a trooper through all of this..I saw her breakdown at the furneal...but don't think I have seen her cry since. I know kids are more resilant at this than adults..but I'm worried about her...especially for the upcoming teen years. He's a great father, i just want him to be as strong for her, as she is for him.

[Curmudgeoness]

6. Grief counselling does not have to start at the time of a loss.

If it is three years later, and he is now ready to accept that this is a problem, I would suggest that he get into grief counselling. You can help steer him to it by having a frank discussion with him at a time when he calls crying, or your niece comes telling you that he is crying. Tell him to do it for his daughter if he is not willing to do it for himself. I have no doubt that he is aware that he needs help.

In our area, funeral homes usually have a list of resources for grief conselling. Hell, we even have a pet funeral home that has grief counselling, so you could start there if you want to know where to suggest he go.

[applegrove]

9. vibes to your brother.

[Joey Liberal]

10. Your brother needs support and help

I almost lost my daughter recently and that still has me a little messed up. I can only imagine what your brother has been going through. That's a tragic situation. He's lucky to have a sister like you!

[OhioBlue]

11. I'm so sorry for your brother, your niece and you.

Good vibes and positive thoughts for your family.

I'm sure the suggestions by others are the best - grief counseling, and perhaps psychological care for dealing with his depression.

I have no experience in this and really no great words of advice..

But I heard something once that has stuck with me.. it was an "aha" moment of sorts.

A mother who had lost a child talked of her grief... how she went every day for a year to her child's grave and cried... She said she had to do it... (I think this was like 15 or so years in the past).. but she had to do it because she had to grieve for her as much as she had loved her to make it real... She was able with time, to live her life again, and redirect her grief/love into something like legacy building.

Grief and love can be so close together... sometimes perhaps, we can be afraid to let the grief ease as it might seem in the mind like letting the love ease.. I'm sure there is so much more involved... I'm sure he grieves for so much more than his wife, but also for the life they had planned and a mother for his daughter.

All of this said... here is not my advice... but rather just a thought..

Do you think a legacy building endeavor could help redirect his love and grief? Obviously your beautiful niece is the most important legacy for your dear sister-in-law that was taken much too soon. But, is there a cause or event that could benefit? Was there something she cared passionately about? For example, if she was an avid animal lover, could an annual event in her name to raise money for the humane society or other such organization or raise money to establish a scholarship (even if it was just a small one to help with the cost of books) for students interested in the things she was interested in help create an opportunity to help him love, honor and remember her in another way?

I hope what I wrote makes sense... it is just a thought...

hugs to you!!

[MrsBrady]

12. he probably does need help

but there is nothing worse than people thinking you should "be over it" by now also (i'm not saying you are doing that)

He'll have to do it. You can try to get him to go get help, but it has to be HIM doing it.
It's good that you want to help though.

He didn't just lose his wife. He lost his life, his dreams for the future, etc...
He needs to get help in finding how to create a life again. It's certainly not what he asked for, and no, it's not fair.
But he can if he wants and is ready.

It's good that you care. Have you talked to him. Not a get over it and move on talk, but a "i care about you can I help you find someone professional to talk to."
A lot of guys need help with this....and ironically, most of the time a wife intervenes and will get men to go get help....you might have to do that here.
But still, he has to be willing to go.

A good sister you are.

[Ineeda]

14. The 'get over it' advice is SO wrong, even if well-meaning.

Having lost both parents, both parents-in-law, all-too-young husband, sister, best friend since 1st grade and, most recently, a sister-in-law, I'm fairly familiar with grief. My words of wisdom? The goal is to 'get through it'. Your brother will never 'get over it', nor really, should he be expected to. I think knowing that might help.

[dawg]

13. "You're not alone .."

"You may not have all the people there for you that you had before, but you have friends that care about you and will be there for you ................and I'm one of them!"

That's what a friend said to me when I was having a particularly bad day dealing with the loss of my marriage. Those words really stuck with me.

[BlueIris]

15. ITA he needs counseling, therapy, should probably start with visit to PCP. However,

I've found that these can be helpful in situations like this--at least as a first step:

(Not to be construed as medical advice, of course.)

http://www.fesflowers.com/post-trauma.htm

http://www.fesflowers.com/grief-relief.htm

I really hope he finds a good therapist. Terribly sorry for the family's loss.