Lemme Tell Ya', Movie Reviewers Are About As Useful As Tits On A Blender

[MrScorpio]

I've just gone through a few reviews by several "professional" reviewers for news organizations that shall not be mentioned.

Jeez, what bunch of smarmy, self-important morons.

I was looking at reviews for "Battle" LA" and it was as if these dipshits had never seen an action war movie before. Here's a clue for them, the title of the movie is "BATTLE: LA". That should have told them right there what they were in store for.

I read complaint after complaint that the plot and dialogue was just too simplistic.

Huh?

It's a fucking war movie with space aliens… If I wanted erudite war scenes with lots of "acting" and a fancy script, I'd whip out my copy of Shakespeare's "Henry V"… The Olivier version of course! Otherwise, what you're supposed to do is sit there on your fat ass, turn your brain off and revel in all of the exciting WAR ACTION and shit.

One fool even commented that the characters in the movie looked like they were part of a "forced diversity program". Why is that? Simply because the most of the main characters were either black, latino and poor white trash? Obviously, this person was pining for a cast of blond, WASPy, square-jawed he-men and has absolutely no idea what our American military looks like today. By the way for this fool, The Military IS a forced diversity program… If he had spent ANY time in uniform, he would know this.

There were other complaints that the camerawork was too shaky, that the explosions were too loud, the characters were too underdeveloped and plot was too thin… Again, what kind of movie did these people expect to see?

IT'S A FUCKING ACTION WAR MOVIE!

When shit blows it, it's supposed to make things shake. Exploding things that EXPLODE are not supposed sound like Justin Bieber making out with his latest girlfriend. That shit is supposed to be loud. When a character is slated to get turned into baked tofurkey twenty-five minutes in, why waste all of our precious ACTION WAR movie watching time with pointless character development? And a "THIN" plot? A platoon of Marines, along with an AF Tech Sergeant (YAY!) gets a mission to go into Santa Monica, rescue civilians, kick alien ass and take names… Ok, what's the fucking problem here? Because, where I come from, that's a fucking plot for a FUCKING ACTION WAR MOVIE. I just don't get it.

Me, I love all kinds of movies and I really liked this one. Because, it simply gave me exactly what I expected from it; thrills, chills and two hours of wondrously appropriate brain-dead fun. What else could you ask for?

But, obviously, these overpaid yahoos wouldn't know A FUCKING ACTION WAR MOVIE, even if it was screwing their sister.

I hope that this movie keeps raking in the big bucks, because we need an escape from time to time when the "real world" becomes too much to take. They need to stop pissing on our fun.

Self-important assholes.

[travelingtypist]

1. A few here (at MRQE) seemed to like it.

http://www.mrqe.com/movie_reviews/battle-los-angeles-m100071415

But yeah, I felt the same way when I finally watched Leaving Las Vegas and reading all of the wondrous reviews and realizing they were marveling at Elizabeth Shue and her ass-rape scene. I felt the same way about about the glowing screeds about Fargo. I wanted my two hours back then, too.

[sarge43]

2. Speaking of forced diversity programs and Henry V,

there's Gower, Fluellen, Macmorris and Erpingham - Irish, Welsh, Scot, and English.

[hobbit709]

3. I usually do the exact opposite of what some big name reviwer says.

if they say it sucks, it will probably be good diversion for a couple of hours. If they highly recommend it, I most likely have wasted time and money.

[LynneSin]

4. I usually go to IMDB to get the reviews since viewers can post their 2 cents there

And sometimes I like to watch 'Brain Candy' movie, probably why I still enjoy "Independence Day" to this day even if it was the schlockiest movie out there.

[blogslut]

5. The Dallas Morning News had the best critic

...until he retired. Philip Wuntch. He was fair and concentrated his reviews to a synopsis of the film as opposed to wasting space explaining how he was more clever than the filmmakers.

[MilesColtrane]

11. Matt Zoller Seitz, formerly of the Observer, still reviews movies.

He moved to Manhattan a few years ago and occasionally reviews movies for the New York Times.

http://www.slantmagazine.com/house/author/mzseitz/

[fishwax]

6. good plot and dialogue aren't incompatible with action movies

:shrug:

[MrScorpio]

8. I've been an action movie junkie since long before I can remember

The point being that, as far as action movies go, I thought that "Battle: LA" provided just about everything in the plot and dialogue that one would need in the given situation.

Let's face it, it's a movie about Marines going up against alien invaders from outer space.

What more does anyone need to know what's going on? What's the point of adding filler to an almost 2 hour long movie about the motivation of the aliens? They're here to kill us, simple as that. It's not rocket science to figure out their motivation. And if they are here to kill us, you send in the Marines to kill them. Simple enough.

The big picture? Who the fuck cares? We're down in the streets of Santa Monica, where the rubber hits the road. Marines don't do the Big Picture, they do street level combat and that's exactly what we got. If I wanted to see a movie about the Big Picture, with the President himself sticking his nose into the business of flyboys, squids, grunts and jarheads, I'd watch "Independence Day".

As far as the dialogue went it was very appropriate for the given character set up... The characters spoke in fluent militarese, as I would expect low ranking military characters to speak. From what I gathered, most of the reviewers never picked up on this at all. I spent 22 years in uniform and picked up on it right off the bat.

If the characters were speaking fancy ten dollar words and were doing things that one would not expect military folks to do, like get all fancy and shit. anyone who has ever been in uniform would call bullshit on that right away.

In combat, it's about fighting and dying. I loved the fact that it focused on that basic, straight forward premise, without screwing up the plot with fancy twists. In that respect, the move came through pretty strong.

[fishwax]

10. you sound like a movie critic

just one who (unlike most, apparently) liked the movie. I appreciate the info about the accuracy of the language, etc.

I like war movies and action movies too, but there are good action movies and bad, and I don't think expecting a plot or good dialogue (which doesn't have to have anything to do with fancy ten dollar words) is too much to ask of that kind of film.

I can't speak to the specifics of this one, though, because I haven't seen it, though I'll probably catch it on DVD. :hi:

[Bertha Venation]

7. Tell us how you really feel, Sweetheart.

:hi:

[MrScorpio]

9. Hugz!

:hug:

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

12. Wow!

It's kinda like Mr.Scorpio does Rude Pundit :bounce: :)

[AmyDeLune]

13. That's pretty much why I don't bother to read "reviews" anymore

The critics not only can't stand a little brain bubblegum action film, they also can't stand it when the film is too smart for them; as in they have to actually pay attention to the plot. I've read reviews where it was blatantly apparent that the critic hadn't been watching the movie at all, had missed key plot points and then whined that the movie didn't make sense.

[Tabasco_Dave]

14. If these two film critics like an action movie, you know it's good!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dfoVqhQVyQ