begin_within
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Thu Apr-21-11 05:53 PM
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| God reschedules end of the world |
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Heaven (AP) - A spokesangel for God released a statement today announcing that the end of Earth and all life on it has been rescheduled from May 21st to May 25th. A clerical error by a junior on Cloud 9 had scheduled the destruction of both Earth as we know it and the planet HD 189733b in the constellation constellation Vulpecula for the same day.
The junior angel, not named in the statement, has been placed on administrative leave in Purgatory for all eternity. The destruction of HD 189733b will proceed as scheduled on May 21, but the destruction of Earth and all life on it has been pushed back four days, to allow for a shipment of cheap plastic halos from China and the return of several harps which had been sent to harpmall.com for repair.
Through the spokesangel God expressed apologies for any inconvenience. Rapture tickets for May 21 will be honored on May 25 and are non-transferable. God also used the announcement to stress the fact that all religions on Earth are cults and are not recognized by God; that there is no such thing as "God's chosen people" and that hate is not permitted in Heaven.
The statement urges those who were preparing for the end of Earth and all life on May 21 use that day as a solemn "rehearsal" for the actual end of the Earth instead of partying it up like there's no tomorrow.
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| undeterred
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Thu Apr-21-11 06:05 PM
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| freshwest
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Thu Apr-21-11 06:08 PM
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| freshwest
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Thu Apr-21-11 06:08 PM
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| 2. Oooh, I like that one. |
| DeeJay
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Thu Apr-21-11 07:14 PM
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| 4. Funny. You should write for the onion n/t |
| Incitatus
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Thu Apr-21-11 07:17 PM
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| 5. Yeah, and then on May 25 there will be some other kind of setback. |
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That asshole needs to quit jerking us around and bring on the apocalypse already.
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| freshwest
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Thu Apr-21-11 08:44 PM
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| 6. We can do this without divine intervention. |
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Warning, bad language in this video but still funny: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZMwKPmsbWE |
| brooklynite
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Thu Apr-21-11 08:49 PM
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| 7. Would people PLEASE be serious about this...the World is NOT Ending on May 21... |
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THE RAPTURE is on May 21st...the world is ending on OCTOBER 21st....
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| Angry Dragon
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Thu Apr-21-11 09:12 PM
Response to Reply #7 |
| 8. Then what about December 21, 2012?? |
| freshwest
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Thu Apr-21-11 10:10 PM
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| 10. *Supposedly* time stopped in 1992 or 1994 and the SHTF between 2016 and 2030. Wear clean underwear. |
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:hi:
Hey, I read it on one of the internets, er, pipes, er, tubes.
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| krispos42
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Thu Apr-21-11 09:48 PM
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Hell, they'll have that new Duke Nuke'em game out before the world ends, at this rate.
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| Forkboy
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Thu Apr-21-11 10:24 PM
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| 11. Well someone needs to tell God to have his people get in touch with my people. |
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Because we have May 21st as a "Go".
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DU
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Sat Apr 20th 2024, 12:24 AM
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