Why do people hurt other people?

[kimi]

I seriously want to know. I've been hurt emotionally recently by 2 different men. I don't get it -- my life philosophy is that you go through life trying NOT to hurt others, physically, emotionally, whatever.

Is it something about me? WTF? If I'm a magnet for this crap, someone tell me how to de-magnetize myself. I am so fucking clueless.

[travelingtypist]

1. I think that's probably too general of a question.

It is true that women are attracted to bad boys. My own history, I was a total jerk magnet. 20 nice guys in the room and I'd be attracted to the jerk. So are these the only two or have you been hurt before? I used to be one of the ones who did the hurting, too, but that's a long story. And I stopped putting myself in the situation where anybody could get hurt. I'm never going to figure that shit out.

[Riftaxe]

2. If i knew i would tell you, but

in the mean time :grouphug:

[Tobin S.]

3. Because they haven't learned how to love.

I think a lot of men probably have a hard time learning that- as a group more so than women. A lot of boys are taught to be distant emotionally. We have to be tough, stern, hard, and competitive. To truly love you have to open yourself up, be vulnerable, be empathic, and set aside your ego- evidently, in our society, not considered manly traits.

It goes beyond love in relationships and to your world view. I don't think that you can love just one person and hate everybody else. Sure, you can have a monogamous relationship and be deeply in love with that special person. But I think when you learn what love is it changes how you treat everyone else. You start to care about people, even strangers. The desire to possess and control goes away.

It sounds like you have opened your heart to someone who doesn't know how to love, or has forgotten.

[Sadena Meti]

4. Read psychology, focus on interpersonal relationships. The answers are in science.

[LaurenG]

5. because they are damaged and want others to feel as bad as they do

They're sick in the psyche.

[dawg]

6. Oh, kimi, you don't need us to tell you the answer to that.

They hurt you because they're selfish, and you got in the way of something they wanted. That's all.

[Fire Walk With Me]

7. People who hurt wish to cause others to understand their hurt

and so they hurt others in the same manner in which they were injured.

It's all about feeling powerless/less than/vulnerable/self-dislike. Forgiveness and doing good for others is the key to transcending hurt. (I'm a work in progress, needing much more progress along all these lines..forgive me when I fuck up for I've been fucked up by others and wish to heal and never again cause harm because I hurt...)

Of course, there are variations but that's my truth. Good luck to you and stay healthy/happy. Don't buy too deeply into the injuring party being "right" or anything similar. Don't take responsibility for their actions/demeanor. But do see if you're repeatedly finding injurious persons.

[struggle4progress]

8. All kinds of things go on: simple misunderstandings, clueless carelessness, people

who believe they win if they screw everybody else over before everyone else screws them over ...

[applegrove]

9. I am a kind & passive person who attracted the worst kind of people. Part of my problem is that I

am a pollyanna and didn't see danger until it was too late. Now I'm very, very cautious. I certainly never deserved the years of hell I went through. I don't deserve to have PTSD. I'm sweet when you get to know me. I looked up what people who have been attacked mind & body & soul by a sociopath felt about it after it was over and many people said they were unlucky. So I try not to take it personally. I would build a new part of you who is vigilant, assertive, perceptive and not a pollyanna (pollyannas make excuses in their minds for other people's bad behaviour) and pull that part of you out whenever you meet new people or start a relationship. And don't be afraid to judge others if they demonstrate any bad behaviour.

[david13]

10. Maybe they just feel differently about things than you do. dc

[Amerigo Vespucci]

11. There's a little riff in the movie "Tombstone" that sort of explains it.

WYATT EARP: What makes a man like Ringo Doc, makes him do the things he does?
DOC HOLLIDAY: A man like Ringo has a great empty hole right through the middle of him. He can never kill enough or steal enough or inflict enough pain to ever fill it.
WYATT EARP: What does he need?
DOC HOLLIDAY: Revenge.
WYATT EARP: For What?
DOC HOLLIDAY: Being born.

So, kimi, I know this doesn't help and it sucks that any guy would hurt you, but without knowing the specific guys involved, people who hurt others...people who do it habitually and enjoy doing it...they are essentially self-medicating their pain with the pain of others. Only problem is they never feel "better," they just repeat this habitual behavior any time they find a willing participant.

That kind of guy doesn't seek out a woman with even the slightest potential to do damage to him in return. No, you're not a magnet, you're just a decent person who trusted a couple of guys that, in hindsight, maybe you shouldn't have trusted.

The other thing...which I'm not asking you, because it's your personal life, and none of my business...is that you might want to reflect on what "being hurt emotionally" means to you. It could mean 100 things to 100 different people, but because you've labeled it and flagged it, there's special significance for you. Just like the "need" to hurt people...from the "Tombstone" bit above...you had some form of "need" when you interacted with these guys, some form emotional vulnerability, and these guys...basically coiled in the grass, waiting to strike, while you were trusting them...saw that need, saw your vulnerability, and decided it was medication time. Hurt you, feel good, look for someone else to hurt.

This is all just food for thought, generic Psych 101 stuff that I've witnessed over the years in other people, which may or may not apply to you.

Somewhere out there is a guy with the emotional maturity to appreciate you, and treasure you, and when you find him, this nonsense will stop.

But that's the unfair part of life. The two of you are gonna have to find each other, and until you do, you are walking barefoot through the tall grass...where the snakes live.

:grouphug: