Why I lost faith in love, and in my ability to attract worthwhile people.

[coloradodem2005]

In 1991, I was 11 years old, I was not interested in girls. Then I was told that this girl liked me. I didn't believe it at first and didn't care. Then one day she and all of her friends were chasing me because supposedly they wanted me. I believed it and got my hopes up. Then I found out it was all a joke. I was hurt. I didn't understand why they felt that they had to do that to me. I didn't do anything to them. A couple years later, I had to deal with a number of girls that tried the same thing, fortunately, I was a lot smarter by this point. I know that you say we were all young, but perceptions are shaped at a young age. I think so anyways.

In 1995, In high school, there was this girl that I knew for years, and despite what i had been through, I thought she was nice and cool. She gave me her phone number, and I called her a few times and she would eventually end the conversation telling me that she had to go and that she would call me sometime. I would call a week later and she would tell me that she lost my phone number. Eventually, I stopped calling her. A month later the new school year started, I was a sophmore. She started flirting with me and her friends were telling me that she liked me. Eventually, she told my best friend that that was not true.

A year or so later, I got pursued by another group of girls that wanted to fuck with me.

I went to college, and was going to church. There was one woman who I felt attracted to. Sometimes she was really nice, other times she would sit next to me and be cold towards me. I was put off by this.

A couple of years later, I was in this class that consisted of this group project. I ended up in a group with a Romanian woman, a few years older than me, who seemed from the onset to want to control my life. She would always want to sit next to me and irritate me. When I would yawn, she would always nudge me. She would make me uncomfortable to the point that when we did group stuff, I would always talk to the other partner, but ignore her and she would always make noises w/ her throat and then say "Good Morning (My Name). One time, when I wouldn't greet her due to my discomfort with her, she went on a tirade with me and my partner about how she doesn't understand why people don't say Hi. Eventually, I tried to reach an understanding with her. Then the next semester, I had another class with her. I would be nice and sit next to her. She would always poke me in the leg with her pencil and I was tolerant at first. She would also pull some of her hair out and put it on my desk in front of me. She would also talk to me while the teacher was talking. I did make my displeasure with some of her antics known, in a nice way, especially the pencil thing, that did not deter her though. So I had enough and sat in the back of the room, away from her. Then she got antagonistic, yelling at me in front of the class asking why I would not sit next to her. The next semsester, I had two classes with her, this time, I nipped it in the bud quickly and told her off. I had broken her hold on me.

That same semester, I had met this girl who was joining the service fraternity I was in. We talked at a party for a really long time and I felt attracted to her, mainly because she was so easy to talk to. We had a couple more conversations like that but then she started getting colder towards me. Eventually, she started dating this other guy. I was heartbroken over this. I had a hard time sleeping for weeks. Her it was, late 2002, almost 12 years after my initial bad experience that put me down this path and still stuck on it. I know that I should not let these things define me, but it is hard not too.

While, in order to care about someone else and be cared about by them, you need to love yourself, people who can impact you at an early age can really have a damaging effect. I was a kid, who was unsure of himself that could have gone either way before the fateful day in 1991, but that incident and all of the subsequent ones I have mentioned are what caused me to be where I am.

[mmm]

1. The course of true love rarely runs straight

Seems to me the Romanian wanted to be your girl, big time.

You have presented a rather interesting puzzle. I hope
your post does not get lost before replies start rolling in.

[coloradodem2005]

2. That bit about the Romanian pissed me off that much more.

She was so controlling. For starters, I did not want her. I just didn't feel it for her. Then she wanted to run my life. I just couldn't deal with that. She was so abrasive that I just couldn't stand her. Why should I have to settle for something that I don't want. I really didn't like her. I am fully convinced that women hate me, even though I have done nothing to earn that hate.

Yeah, true love never runs straight, but it just seems to keep running me into a brick wall.

[Hav]

3. .

I was born in 1980 as well. ;)
And I can tell you that I had similar experiences, you know, like one day they are so eager to talk to you, the next day they are so cold that it's really disturbing to you.
Maybe some people do this shit with other people because they like the attention they get and because they like the power they have on other people. An observation I made that seems to speak for that attention argument was the following, please make notes my fellow pupils to remember what I did. I had to use all my brain cells, so listen carefully:
The best way to get the attention of the girl you like, is to look at the butt of her best girlfriend. Cough, I know..I didn't want to do it because I'm normally not that type of a guy..cough...but it worked, somehow, sort of.

Another thing I believe, and that is quite sad, is that at least a condiderable amount of girls somehow end up with guys who don't respect them. I often hear how men are only interested in looks. What I find more interesting is that many girls seem to fall for exactly this type and that they can't seem to understand that there might be guys who like them because of the human being they are. Maybe it is because they get the kind of attention they prefer when these guys are mainly interested because of the girl's looks; it feeds their ego I guess and maybe they are as superficial as these guys. So of course, they end up with the idiots who treat them like shit.


Sorry for generalizations, I like girls you know...but too often they only break your heart.
They take your heart and keep it as a trophy.


You might also like to check out this:
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

I think most will see how close to the truth it is...

[Carl21014]

5. It's been my considerable experience...

that the best telltale sign that a girl likes you is touching. Many signs girls put out can be confused, but in almost every case a girl/woman will only touch you if she likes you. She'll touch your arm, your back, your leg and you know you're in.

Take the romanian woman poking you with a pencil under the table? She might as well take out a billboard.

In contrast, if a woman doesn't like a man she will avoid touching him at almost all costs. Facial slaps are a different topic.

[Hav]

6. .

I think you are correct and guys often misinterpret signs made by girls.
So how about you open a door, she's behind you and touches your hand while she's reaching for the door? Happened at least 2 or 3 times.
I am a complete idiot when it's about getting their signs right.
Like when she says that she's going to the cafeteria and asks whether I want to go there with her and drink a coffe. Do I use the chance to spend some time with her? No, I say that I have to go to the library! Doh, well done idiot!

[Guaranteed]

8. Do women ever "accidently" rub their breasts up against a man?

That one's always stumped me.

[tkmorris]

11. No, they don't

But that's an intermediate sign. Believe it or not, most women view their breasts as appendages, and while thy know that rubbing them against you is a turn-on of a sort they have NO idea how much.

In my experience women who do that are often using it as an opening gambit, not as the foreplay it seems to be. It's encouraging, but don't be too bold as a result. They don't take it as serious as you do.

[hippiechick]

40. Yes, it CAN be accidental

Not everything we do is intended to cause a hardon. :eyes:

[Carl21014]

17. After they've touched you and you know they like you...

Woman or men for that matter are like any animal, all you have to do is get them to hold still so you can pet them. After that, you're in! :)

[smirkymonkey]

31. Make sure you hold your hand out first,

palm down and approach them slowly. Let them come up and sniff you first. If the stiffen up and bar their teeth, back away slowly...good luck!

[ima_sinnic]

10. sorry, very bad advice

I knew a shameless flirt back in the 70s who would always touch the arm of the man she was talking to. She made herself up like a model (insecure about herself, I guess) and would leave all the guys breathless and with dead-end fantasies about how much she must like them. She was actually cruel and a pathological liar.

If a woman really likes a man she probably WON'T touch him. I mean, that is the essence of playing "hard to get." As a female, when I was younger I had the opposite problem, of trying too hard and always driving the guys away. I didn't have enough self-confidence to play hard to get and thought I should give guys encouragement. I always came on too strong and they would get scared (however, I never did anything as bizarre as what you have described with this Romanian woman). Now when I REALLY am attracted to a man I act as casual, detached, and mostly disinterested as can be, because now I DON'T want to scare anybody off.

Just relax and enjoy life. "Make your life so interesting that someone else will want to join it" is an excellent piece of advice that was given to me eons ago and that it took decades for me to truly appreciate. Get into some activities you enjoy--how about political meetups??--and one day you will be talking to a woman who WON'T play games and you and she will come to know that you are right for each other. You can't force it, it just has to come and you'll know it when it does.

[Guaranteed]

12. LOL as a man

that's just what pisses me off and makes me say "Fuck it."

I'm different, though...you're probably very successful with your way. :)

I shouldn't be giving people advice on how to be social, seriously.

[Carl21014]

18. I'm just relating what has worked for me.

I have pursued these signs and got some action as a result.

We've all seen the tease you describe, but most women give signs of attraction because they honestly are attracted. If someone gives out false signals purposely it means they are a dishonest person, it doesn't mean I'm misreading signs of attraction.

[Donkeyboy75]

38. No signs are perfect,

but to me that's also the best indicator. In my younger and much dumber years, I would find myself touched by a girl I knew...and that I liked...but I always mistook it for friendship. I started acting on these clues after finding out that these girls liked me. Happened way too often, but as my current wife says, I have to be hit over the head with something like that. She actually asked me out on the first date, because she said that I didn't pick up ANY of the many signals she was sending me.

[bloodyjack]

44. ach

why doesnt anyone tell me these things. oh, if only i had known sooner.

have you considered CELIBACY, colorado? this is the course that i have taken and i feel all the better for it! what a relief.

[smirkymonkey]

32. Actually though, I usually don't touch

men, for the reason that a) I like to respect their boundaries and maintain my own healty boundaries and b) I don't want to give them the wrong impression if I am not interested in them in "that way".

However, I find that if I am really attracted to or interested in a man, and he is close to me - personal space-wise - I will have an almost subconscious desire to touch him in some way. Usually putting a hand on his upper arm when talking to him (lightly) or something innoucuous like that. It's kind of a magnetic thing, I usually find that I do it without thinking or an agenda.

[coloradodem2005]

21. Thanks.

I was actually born in late 1979 but you do make interesting points.

[Susang]

30. Pretty offensive site you posted there, dude

Particularly for such a progressive website as DU.

Also, not a modicum of scientific proof to back it up. Nope, just a lot of bullshit masquerading as "sociological field testing". The thing is, sociology happens to be a subject I study, and simplistic "theories" like this one insult the intelligence of both men and women.

Here's a news flash...Men also break your heart, and take it and use it as a trophy. Men are just as likely as women to be attracted to someone who is going to treat them like shit. People are people, we all have our differences. Some are based on sex, but all of them are due to our individual personality. No one is the sum of their genitalia, no matter how much you may to believe it.

[coloradodem2005]

34. I am not one to break hearts.

I am looking for someone who I can talk to and have common interests above all else. I have pursued people that are like that and feel the same way as me. The thing is, even these women, who even say they like nice guys kick me to the curb. I'm sorry, but as cold as I am becoming at 24, I think that there is some truth to it. I also think that the site is somewhat an indictment of men as well. It says every woman we meet we want to have sex with.

[Susang]

36. I agree, I think that site is horribly unfair to men

It make you out to be sex crazed animals who can't control your biological urges and have no higher thoughts than getting laid. It really plays to the lowest common denominator.

I wasn't saying you specifically were breaking women's hearts. I was saying that men were just as likely as women to break someone's heart. It's just the way interpersonal relationships work. Trust me, my heart was broken a lot more than I broke other's hearts. One of the things both sexes truly share is the ability to get hurt in love. If you think that you are unique in this, you are patently wrong.

[coloradodem2005]

37. Well, it is easy for one to think that they are unique in this.

It does kind of play to the lowest common denomoinator, but the problem is that I am hard headed and cynical that I am really believing it these days. I know I am not unique, but most people get some gratification for a time out of a relationship before they get hurt. I get none, I just get fucked over and that is all I have ever gotten. The cruel irony is about the Romanian, is that I wanted someone to care about me, and in a way, I got my wish, but I certainly did not want that. I wanted someone who would respect me that I could care about. But she didn't respect me. She just wantedc to control me.

[Hav]

39. I'm sorry, I didn't intend to be offensive

The site surely uses many generalizations and surely not all men or women are like that and I never saw me as someone who is primarily intending to have sex when I look at a girl. But I think that many remember some events again :).
I should have also be more clear in my post because I usually don't see women in a bad light, despite this post.
And yes, men are just as likely to be assholes, maybe even more ;).

[Carl21014]

4. You just need to get laid!

According to this story you are 23 years old. You need to stop all this deep reflection and go enjoy the party.

It sounds to me two of these girls you described wanted to have sex with you. Use a condom, and start obliging them when the opportunity is there. It will do wonders for the issues you are expressing.

[Deja Q]

16. I was with a group of people at a bar last night...

They said to a person, who eventually told me, the same thing. Word for word.

You know, more people should try being the person they criticize and see how it's like. Trust me, you won't like it. Not one bit and not for even one attosecond.

[coloradodem2005]

22. I don't think that they wanted to have sex with me.

Except for maybe the psycho Romanian woman.

[Guaranteed]

7. Do you spend a lot of time with other people?

If you feel like you want to be alone, believe it or not, the best thing to do is be alone. Seriously.

I spent about 14 months after I graduated college in a very isolated situation- I had a full-time, very social job, but all of my college friends moved away, and I moved to a cheaper part of the area that was about 45 minutes away from my old college town. So I didn't really know anybody.

But the truth was that I was kind of getting sick of my friends. I WANTED to be alone. And while not everything about it was healthy- being by yourself so much leads to much unhappiness- ultimately, I came through it MORE confident in myself. I felt like I was growing up- and I was, truly. I was maturing, because I wasn't relying on others to justify my existence. I think adolescence is marked heavily by a need to "fit in" and socialize with people, but eventually a lot of people grow out of that by finding a certain balance between confidence and politeness, and stop worrying so much about what others think of you- because there's only so much you can do, and you have to maintain your own integrity.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I have a point, here. :) This has turned into kind of a rant. But I guess what I'm saying is that you should just do what you feel like doing- if people piss you off, that's alright, just stay away from them for awhile. Show yourself that you don't need anyone else. And, eventually, you'll just get lucky and find that one person with whom you share a mutual understanding and caring, and nothing else will matter.

I did. ;)

[Hav]

13. oh so true, so true

From someone who prefers to be alone as well, you are so right, in my eyes at least.
As soon as I started not to worry so much anymore about how other people saw me, I realised how unimportant their views were for me and my life. You have got only this one life and you have to make the best out of it. I became more confident because I didn't give much shit anymore about what other people think about how I do live my life. I just didn't care anymore because I am who I am and I can hardly change it.
You just have to be who you are, otherwise you will never fully accept yourself and neither will the right people who you like accept you when you pretend to be something else.


"because I wasn't relying on others to justify my existence"

And that feels damn good, doesn't it. I went through that as well.

[Buns_of_Fire]

19. After many painful experiences

(being used to make an ex-boyfriend jealous, one girlfriend who just disappeared one day, etc., etc.) I have become the quintessential "loner," bordering on hermit. I finally determined that my validation comes from myself, and no one else. I appreciate others and am happy to be around them, but I am just assured that I can emotionally survive without being patted on the head and told what a good boy I am.

Although being alone (but not lonely) at the moment, I know that the day will come when I meet my soulmate -- probably at the time and place I least expect it -- and we will both know we are kindered spirits, meant to be together. And our lives will be fulfilled and made whole. And one blissful evening, as I fall asleep nestled next to her, dreaming that my life is now all I dreamed it would be...

...she'll wake up at three in the morning and slit my throat. :shrug:

[chaska]

9. People's motivations are often not as they seem.

I had this thought at several places in your post.

People don't usually mess with you if they're not interested in you in some way. When you're young, people will often torture you before they let you close to them. You have to earn your way into certain circles through a sort of ordeal process. I've kind of been where you are, and I know that's it makes no sense that people want to hurt you and you're supposed to just take it, but sometimes that's just what you have to do. Of course, you have to choose how interested you are in the particular circle, whether it's worth it or not.

[coloradodem2005]

35. Yeah, they are interested.

In hurting me.

[James T. Kirk]

14. Getting older

Remember that even though it must not seem that way, you are still young and have lots of life ahead of you. As you and your potential mates age, you may find that they exhibit less high school- and college-age BS behavior and start acting like adults who respect other people's feelings.

When I was your age, I had lots of trouble with women, too. I'm about ten years older than you and I eventually found the woman I love and she loves me.

[Deja Q]

15. Lonliness stinks too.

I see couples hugging and kissing and talking, some even fondling (though by that point they should just get a bedroom or bathroom or car back seat or whatever...)

It hurts double if you see someone you really want to get with, for conversation or what have you.

I've had some events that may or may not top everybody's on DU, but they rank up there as being cruel, disgusting, or both. And if I posted some of the more colorful events, this response would get deleted. (Here are some hints: Molested by different 2 people, sexually assaulted by 1, and some very colorful set-ups and pranks pulled by classmates over the years. All of them hurt me right down to the core, but some were just vile.

But, to be succinct, I have found people to be deceptive and unkind. I probably am maladjusted/unbalanced/psychotic/whatever for still thinking that people are good and that in a properly constructed SOCIETY, people would behave better toward their fellow man (possibly because my own co-workers, as humans go, are quite decent people.) Actually, the fact that I won't end up like all the people who do because of what happened to them as a child should be something this cesspool of a society should applaud my willingness to conform and live through it all... (changed wording of final sentence in this paragraph in this edit. I was too harsh, though almost rightly so.)

Just be a recluse, be sure to have a copy of "Final Exit" on hand if you lose your job, and you'll be fine.

[Nikia]

20. I was always clueless too but now I am married

Really compared to your experiences, mine were much more damaging, but I don't feel like bearing that part of me right now. I never understood things like flirting or signs that someone liked me without them being obvious as in "I really like you. Would you like to go out with me?". Because of trust issues I have with men, I would never touch a man that I was not already comfortable with, even then I am more careful about such boundaries so I wouldn't unless I knew that he was alright with that. I had a number of guy friends though starting in elementary school and never looked at the opposite sex as "opposite" or being completely different than me. My dad was a more sensitive, emotional, artistic person than my mother who was the more competitive, aggressive, angry person during my childhood so I didn't have the gender distinctions that most people do. Anyway during my teen years and college until I met my husband, there were several times when I misinterpreted things. There were a number of guys that I liked who turned out just to like me as friends. There were also a number of guys who evidently liked me as more than friends but I missed every sign. In fact, there were a few times when I was shocked when they did come onto me in an obvious way.
I did date a few guys. They weren't really that good for me. I dated them because I thought that they were alright and they did come onto me in an obvious way, not because I liked them beforehand.
I met my husband a few days in class before we got together. Then we danced together at a fraternity party. Then we started kissing. Lucky me that he turned out to be a great guy for me. Lucky for him too because he was an equally clueless type of guy.
My inlaws thought that we were too young to committ to one another (We got married when we were 22.). She said that we were missing out on the fun of going out and dating. We didn't think so. That was not our idea of a good time.
Good luck. Get to know more women. Maybe, something like that will happen to you. I think such things have to happen that way for us clueless people. Either that or a dating service or singles (as in looking) group. Half the time determining if a person even wants a relationship if half the problem.

[undergroundpanther]

24. Hooking

up with people is not as hard as like you are taught to think.
The more you want to hookup with someone the more you will push them away.You give of anxiety,you act in a way that broadcasts something that makes people confused attracted and stand offish at the same time.I got a radial idea, TOTALLY Give up looking for "someone".
Just enjoy the presence of the company of people at the moment around you and put the dating game off the table as if it was impossible or that you have given up.
Then with the anxiety over dating gone from, your choice not to care,you will meet people and they won't play as many games.Because you aren't playing them with yourself.

I am weird ,I don't flirt and I don't play games.If I like someone I say so and I say exactly how I like them.If they do not feel the same it is their choice I am not"hurt" I can still be friends because I do not care about the dating bullshit.I can take it or leave it. .Honesty in relationships is vital to me.If you are not honest you ain't worth my time.If you play games and hint,I will force the issue into open discussion.If you don't like that,tough I don't like bullshit games and If you like me you might as well understand I don't play.And I will not be disrespected even if this to some people is a "signal" someone "likes me".If you like me you do not jam pencils in my leg or put hairs on my desk.That Romanian chick was a control freak bully and who wants to be loved by a bully asshole? I don't have time for idiots with"control issues"They either get over it,and say they like me and act like it,when I ask them what is going on ,Or they are not worth my time.
If they get hot and cold I'll ask why they are so changeable if they play games with me than they ain't worth my time.


With these standards of what I tolerate out of the dates I do get,I screen out assholes.Along with the choice to totally not bother"looking" I have met plenty of worthwhile people.

99% of human dating revolves around soothing insecurity and stupid power games.

I don't have time for any of that bullshit.
But remember how common mental illness is in America and do not forget our economy relies on your insecurity and the people who love images more than substance and confuse the two . It is full of confused miserable people who make themselves and others into objects and do not allow people to be who they are.There are sick people out there who like mind games and to abuse people..and our idiot culture calls this entitlement game"strength and "confidence".When really it's frigging sociopath,Domineering men who objectify women are common and they damage their dates personalities so they are made more insecure. and will seek out a loser bully because they want thrills not a relationship.Give them time they may tire of assholes and heal from that feeling they do not deserve a good hearted mate.

This "I don't deserve to be treated as a human being""belief is one that is ingrained into women from childhood up it comes from a million different directions .This conditioning sadly is what keeps some women away from the good kindhearted men they believe they do not deserve to finally be loved for real.

As for boobs some women see them as appendages sometimes I know I do, and men have been taught by our culture to over-sexualize these overgrown sweat glands.A woman cannot expect their boobs to be the appendages they are if men keep worshiping them as something of a fetish object and reading into what women do with them based on their own fetishism that is tied to their own desire for sex.It is hard to remember this guys,boobs are big protruding glads to feed infants,not sex toys..The bigger they are the more they stick out, they bang against tables,they get in the way of what you are doing alot..
Try looking at it this way,What if women sexualized your elbows guys? What if women lusted after male elbows like men do tits and men because of social convention bound and covered them,but since you got elbows they are there and you have to make them inconspicuous and conspicuous or no woman would notice you? Elbows do and have a purpose different from the lust these women have for them.What if you drove by billboards with half covered male elbows on it selling nail polish or perfume for women?.What if you banged some woman by accident with your elbow and it was seen as an erotic pass? Get over this overblown tit fetish guys, it's silly it's a commercially manufactured lust..

Like me or don't like me fine with me.But do not play mind games with me and disrespect me. Doing these things are a surefire way to make sure I do not ever like YOU.
And looks? I don't care about looks 'cause we all get old anyways.What's in the mind and heart is what lasts.

[Th1onein]

23. I am curious as to why you are defining yourself.........

based on what the opposite sex thinks of you. Get some FRIENDS, of both sexes. STOP viewing people as potential sex partners for a while, okay? I believe that the "mirror" theory of self has some veracity, although it's not the whole story. That means that what others think of you is mirrored in your own concept of yourself (at least to a degree). And it is much more difficult to be accepted as a potential sex partner (for whatever reasons), than it is to be accepted as a friend. So...until you begin to have some positive views of yourself, you don't need to jump into that fray. It is easier to have FRIENDS, and thus build up your self-esteem, to begin with. Try that, okay? It really does work.

[coloradodem2005]

25. I don't view all women as potential mates...

...there are some women I consider myself friends with and nothing more. I don't think about them in terms of sex.

[Droopy]

26. I think you need to get with that Romanian chick

She obviously likes you. Even though you find her annoying, I think that some things can be overlooked if the prospects are right. I think she wants you and that you should ask her out on a date and see what happens. You never know, you could wind up having wild, passionate sex with her. And to tell you the truth, at your age I think that's what you need right now more than anything.

I'm in college, too. I'm a little older than you, but if I had some chick coming on to me like that I'd be all over her. Unfortunately, none seem to be attracted to me so far.

[coloradodem2005]

28. No.

Two things:

1. It was two years ago. It is history.

2. I want to be cared about, but I do not want to be controlled. Some things can be overlooked. But she is a control freak who wanted to run my life. I am not going to settle for something that makes me very unhappy just because it is the only prospect I have. Is that all I am good for? To have someone who does not respect me come in and control my life? I did not just not like her, I hated her. Because she did not respect me. If you like it so much, you deal with that.

[Liberal Christian]

43. If you don't want to be controlled

Don't let someone control you.

However, sometimes other people have good ideas and are worth listening to.

Your response to any situation is ALWAYS your choice.

[BiggJawn]

27. "Do you understand how Colour TV works?"

This brings a cartoon I saw once to mind. The guy's having a conversation with his hard-on...

"I don't understand Women..."

"Do you understand how Colour TV works?"

"No, I don't..."

"Then what's the Problem??"

Unfortunately, I *DO* understand how Colour TV works. Don't ask me about women. 47 years, and I still pick the odd ones...

[rumguy]

29. poor baby

[fortyfeetunder]

33. Quit looking

Hate to say this but quit looking. I was in your position when I was your age. My early teenage years were unrequited and rejection all the way and I pretty much gave up. College was increasingly worse, imagine being a wallflower at parties all of the time....

So by the time I got out of school, I figured love wasn't in it for me, decided to pursue what I wanted to do.

Here's the time you need to find out what you want to do in life. Forget about looking for love, take up a sport, travel, embrace hobbies. I got through this and quit looking and was really enjoying the single life until the spouse same along.

I think you know the answer: "in order to care about someone else and be cared about by them, you need to love yourself"

[Guaranteed]

48. Yup. nt

[noiretextatique]

41. you seem to be mssing from these experiences

as in...what did you do to create these situations? if you can find the "I" in your experiences, you will realize that what caused you to be where you are is: YOU.
i had a long conversation with a friend last night about this very subject. she is dating four women now, yet she can't seem to seal the deal with any of them. after much conversation, it turns out she has certain expectations, based on certain beliefs about...read this carefully...what "they" should do, and of course, that's something she has absolutely no control over. the only she can control is what she does. my advice to her: take control of the situation, and communicate what YOU want.
what you want, what you did to create these situations, what motivates you, what you think, YOU...YOU seem to be the missing from your story.
the truth is...you are where you are because of the way you think about yourself, how you communicate that to others, and what you allow others to do to you...it is the only "cause."
it's up to you to change this dynamic, and only you can do it.

i'm twice your age, and i sure wish someone told me this a long time ago.

[Liberal Christian]

42. Get yourself together

Until you like who you are enough to project a positive spirit into the world, you'll be a magnet for needy, co-dependent women.

Here's what most of my women friends have told me they'd love to see in a male:
1. Enough self-confidence to be a distinct self in the midst of a mutually fulfilling relationship.

2. A willingness to stop talking about himself and his interests long enough to ask questions that tell a woman her life and experience are probably just as fascinating as his.

3. A sense of humor that takes the world lightly without being excessively crude.

4. No whining.

5. A sense that he knows who he is and what he wants and has the ability to put that to work in the world for positive things.

[Guaranteed]

47. He needs to STOP thinking about what other people want

That's the problem, here. He needs to go with who he is, and let the cards fall where they may.

[Astarho]

45. Random thoughts, stories, and advice

In my town I've noticed there are three gimmicks to get girls, Musician, Old Hippie/Spiritual Guru and Native American. I don't want to have to pretend I'm something else, and I am what I always was: a shy quiet kid who was too nervous to ever ask a girl out. To this day I still find it hard to get up enough courage to ask a girl out. Add to the fact that I don't like driving (vision problems) don't like parties and most social activities and enjoy bizarre things like obscure languages, long hikes, and am a Scifi geek. I figure why set myself up for disappointment?

There was a girl I liked in 8th grade, and I later found out she liked me too, but neither of us ever got the courage to ask the other out, and to this day I still regret it. I managed to contact her a few years ago. We had a few friendly emails, but then she stopped. Maybe she moved to Idaho with her boyfriend/fiance like she said she would.

My first and only real girlfriend was several years ago and she was, to put it kindly, a golddigging bitch, who would try to make me feel bad about myself every chance she could. The final straw came when she could not make her rent (although she had a closet full of new expensive clothes) and told me I was selfish to not help her out. I told her no, she said then it's over (one of her favorite threats) and I said fine, and it felt damn good. She left but snuck in later to take back the gifts she had given me.

I have met several girls since but few would go out with me until I met another girl. She was beautiful, intelligent and best of all completely honest. We had a great time. Unfortunately she was 36 and ready for a baby, and I was 24 and not. After that I met another girl, and we also had a great time, I realized I liked her, and then she met someone else (but I've been invited to their wedding :eyes: )

It does piss me off to see young girls my age walking around with scrawny bearded old men. I hate seeing happy affectionate couples together. Or to have girls turn me down to go out with guys with dyed black hair and questionable Native heritage. Case and point, a co-worker who falls into gimmick #2 always has women asking about him, he flirts with everyone and has admitted to me that he hates women and his sole mission in life is to get laid. He set his sites on another coworker, much younger. There were complications of a medical nature and now he is tired of her and doing everything he can to make her leave since he doesn't want everyone at work to think he's the shithead.

Do these stories have a point? Probably. 1) Life isn't fair, once you accept that it gets easier. 2) let the women know you'll still be there after the assholes get tired of them. 3) Enjoy your time by yourself. Despite my earlier complaints, I do enjoy spending much of my time by myself. Add to the fact that am about to finish a third novel, I don't consider it a complete waste of time (now if only to get them published)

But then, I'm only about two years older than you so do what you will with this advice. But it was fun when I asked a girl out and she said no because she was living in an ashram and "working on herself" and writing her novel I could say: I've written a novel. She mentioned the years she put into hers and I said I finished mine in about six months, the look on her face was worthwhile.

[Guaranteed]

46. Good post.

:)

Listen to this guy, Colorado.