Facing Mortality Again, Ten Years Later

[AlienGirl]

Per my recent PET scan, it looks like my cancer is back, and it brought friends
in my trachea, probably lungs, and possibly colon.

I did this all before, ten years ago, issuing in the greatest season of loss I
had ever had: losing my first marriage and family, my home, my sense of myself
as healthy, and so much more. But that time, it was easier, with better odds;
second primary tumors with likely metastases carry a much lower survival rate,
and radiation is no longer an option. There are surgical treatments that can be
attempted for the stuff in the head, but they result in permanent
disfigurement--loss of the jaw, loss of the tongue, loss of the ability to eat
or talk or laugh or sing ever again--and I doubt I'd have any quality of life if
I went that route. So I am likely going to go with palliative care only, easing
the pain, minimizing the tumors surgically where possible, and maybe
chemotherapy.

This is probably the illness I die of, and given its location and
aggressiveness, probably sooner than later.

I'm scared of death. I realized this last night at about two in the morning: I
really am scared that dying means ceasing to be "me."

I'm scared that there is a vengeful deity who will punish me for the
ingratitudes of this life by making things bad in the next. That I will be ugly
because I didn't appreciate beauty when I had it. That I will be sick because I
did not appreciate health. That I will be born into war because I never stopped
to think how lucky I am to have lived in peace.

I'm scared that my name will be forgotten. I'm scared I will forget. I'm scared
of the moments of thinking fuzzily right as death comes and that horrible
feeling of floating and falling up.

I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared.

Tucker

[Kali]

1. I am so sorry you are facing this

there is no vengeful diety for you to be afraid of, believe that please

is there anything you can do to help come to peace with this? we all must eventually, but the fear is part of what makes us fight so hard to avoid it, some times the fight it too much, and it sounds like the quality of life issues of the potential "treatments" you could try are too much

[AlienGirl]

3. Thank you

Thing is, I believe emotionally in reincarnation--sort of. I believe that some collection of memories and personality traits I associate with "me" will at some point turn up associated with some other physical body. Whether that is really "self" I don't know; if I felt like "me" in, say, Russia in the early 1900s as a teenage boy; and I felt like "me" in, say, 1975 as a toddler; and like "me" in 2011 as a middle-aged woman, are any of those, all of those, or none of those "me"? Will "I" experience being a baby again?--I am afraid of that, of colic and teething and being helpless, and what if I am born in a place where I am starving?

I believe logically that there is no reason to assume any sort of selfhood persists after death, any more than a dead battery stays coherent. And I'm afraid of that, too--even though nothingness means there is nothing left to be afraid with, or afraid of.

Tucker

[RebelOne]

6. There is nothing else I can say other than I am so, so sorry.

I am atheist, but I believe somehow, our consciousness survives after we are gone. And believe me, there is no big man up in the sky shaking his finger at you.

[Kali]

7. I don't really have any beliefs, but there are interesting

things the deep thinking physicists talk about

energy can't be destroyed

[AlienGirl]

9. It can't be destroyed but it does lose coherence

If "selfhood" is an artifact of coherence of energy, then it would go away after the energy is dissipated. The guy who does the nanotubule research on consciousness thinks this might be the case (I am spacing on his name right now).

Tucker

[Kali]

11. heh, obviously you have explored more than I

(I never got past freshman physics ;-) ) but reading things around the edges of the subject were kind of interesting and the more "woo" discussions of what entropy means in terms of organizing information and the potential loss of knowledge/history related to that.

Kind of trippy stuff.

[Chan790]

12. Interesting.

Even though I'm an atheist, if I believed in anything, it'd be the permanence of selfhood.

Anyways, this passage from the Tao te Ching has always brought me peace in times of loss and I thought of it as I was reading your post about your beliefs. Maybe it'll bring you peace as well.

16
Empty yourself of everything.
Let the mind become still.
The ten thousand things rise and fall
while the Self watches their return.
They grow and flourish and then
return to the source.
Returning to the source is stillness,
which is the way of nature.
The way of nature is unchanging.
Knowing constancy is insight.
Not knowing constancy leads to disaster.
Knowing constancy, the mind is open.
With an open mind, you will be openhearted.
Being openhearted, you will act royally.
Being royal, you will attain the divine.
Being divine, you will be at one with the Tao.
Being at one with the Tao is eternal.
And though the body dies,
the Tao will never pass away.

--translation by Jane English & Gia-fu Feng

[VenusRising]

2. I'm so sorry.

:hug::hug::hug:

[burrfoot]

4. So sorry.

I hope you can find some peace in whatever way makes sense to you. And I agree with Kali- there's nobody vengeful out there. I'm not sure if there's any self that exists after this life or not, but I'm damned sure there's nobody up there shaking a finger at us and tallying up our "good's" and "bad's."

Keep talking, if that's what helps. Sometimes it's like shining a light, and it helps make the fear go away.


:toast:

[Duer 157099]

5. I can identify with how you feel, although I'm not in that situation

It might be a good time to read as many near-death accounts as you can find, there are plenty of books and websites about this, but I think you already know that.

As much as I believe that I'm prepared to face death, I know that when the time comes imminent that I will be facing the same fears that you describe.

The main consolation for me are from the accounts of NDEs that I've read, especially when they describe how they didn't want to come back here because of how awesome it was over there.

And I'm not coming from any religious POV, in any traditional sense anyway. I believe that any punishment or karma will be, effectively, self-inflicted.

Be strong, be calm, know what to expect and know that eventually we all have to walk that path.

:hug:

[AlienGirl]

8. I've read many

For one thing, I *hate* that feeling just as one begins to go...that feeling of being off-balance and floaty/falling, the gummy thoughts, the way perception skews. I know what it feels like and it scares the living hell out of me.

Also, the skeptic in me says that they are probably just the result of anoxia, or that the sense of coherence of selfhood may be a temporary thing, culminating in a "second death" in which even that breaks down.

The fact that people want to stay "dead" is sort of a comfort, though.

Karma, if it exists, seems to be merely the practical joke we play on our past selves.

Tucker

[RedCloud]

10. Understood. When my doctor told me it was not "humanly" possible.

I thanked her and realized that humans were not the only ones and researched what I could. I had and still have a very large heart. However I saw that what much larger organisms ate on the planet is no longer readily available yet cattle are fed this to keep them healthy. I also realized that our planet was an ice ball so how did other organisms survive?

Those answers have helped me a lot. I hope that you will search and find something out there. It would seem how to grow healthy cells is a good starting point.

Best wishes and hoping you find your lightning in a bottle, too.

:hug:

[eyepaddle]

13. I'm very sorry.

I really wish I had something more substantial to say, but I fear that would only make me sound foolish. I jusy want you to know that I do care.

:hug:

[rurallib]

14. My heart goes out to you.

I am not good at writing soothing words. Like many here I am of an atheist bent and do not believe in an afterlife. But our energy in some form goes on.
As such I do not believe there is a judgmental god. The judgments that count is how those we loved and cared about remember us.
You have time to seek peace with those you love.
Death is a great unknown - few know how they will meet it, yet all at some time will.

My wish for you is peace. My heart literally breaks for you.

[seabeyond]

15. hugs....

it is very scary. i hope you find your way in this, where it becomes less scary. wishing you the best in a horrible situation.

[MilesColtrane]

16. Death, be not proud, though some have called thee

Mighty and dreadful, for thou are not so;
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou'art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy'or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

:cry: :hug:

[dawg]

17. Tucker

I'm so very sorry to hear your news. I remember, several years ago when you were a much more active poster, reading your posts and thinking what a smart and interesting person you were. I'm not 100% sure, but I think I remember you once posting that you got to meet Tony Shallhoub. It's crazy, the things that stick in your mind. I've been mostly lurking on this site since 2001, and you are one of the posters who made the biggest of impressions on me.

I'm a Christian, which sometimes makes me feel like a minority on this board. But I don't believe in a vengeful god. I believe in a god who is merciful and kind. I don't believe this life is all that there is, and I don't believe kind-hearted, merciful people need to fear passing to the other side.

I'm not really good with words, anymore. I used to think I could string a few sentences together, but I've gotten over that delusion. But I wish you all the best. I'll be praying for you *and* sending you good vibes. Miracles can and do happen, so don't give up hope.

Peace & Love to you.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

46. Here's another Christian who does not believe in a vengeful God

or the doctrine of hell. It's disproportionate: like giving someone life imprisonment for a parking ticket.

I don't know what lies beyond either, Tucker, but I was with my mother when she died. After four days of semiconsciousness and unconsciousness, she raised her head, gave a little gasp, and was gone. All I can be sure of is that her last two years of ill health, depression, and missing my stepfather acutely are over.

It is very brave of you to refuse aggressive treatment. I know others who have made that decision, either because they were old and felt they'd had a good life or because they couldn't face another round of treatment.

I hope you can find some sort of peace and a safe passage. I have a vague recollection of you being Jewish. If so, you come from a rich tradition thousands of years old that has seen more than its share of grief and trouble. Is there a rabbi you could talk to, a humanistic one if the more religious types are not congenial to you?

[redwitch]

18. Tucker I am so sorry.

Sometimes I think one of the worst things about being human is the foreknowledge of our mortality. No one knows what comes after this life and that terrifies most of us. I do not believe in a vengeful God, what would be the point of making us full of frailty and then cursing us for it? I am sorry for your fear and I hope you have people you can talk to and lean on. There is always someone to talk to here so that's something. :hug:

[Flaxbee]

19. oh sweetheart, I am so goddamn sorry

I remember your ordeal, 10 years ago. And I understand to some extent - maybe as much as someone who hasn't had cancer can - because a sister of mine had a relapse 10 years after her initial diagnosis, though this second time hers had not metastasized elsewhere. She has warned us, though, that if it comes back again (and not to her breasts, because she doesn't have them anymore) she will do as you have chosen - palliative care.

I won't forget you, because you were one of my first friends here, and because the impression you have always left on me is that you are whip-smart, and kind. You suffered way too much loss with your first bout with this disease; no one should have to deal with the heartache you had in addition to the illness.

Don't even think those thoughts about yourself, that you were ungrateful or unkind or didn't appreciate what you had. I swear I think being a liberal means you do appreciate what you have, and wish others (not just humans, but all creatures) had it, too. Rupert Murdoch might need to worry; you don't.

We don't know one another well, but you are a sweetheart, and I hate to hear that you are scared. I told my sister that's what caused me the most grief when she was going through all of her surgeries and treatments - I knew she could handle pain and discomfort, but I hated to think that she felt fear. That's the worst thing in the world, and I wish I could take it away for you.

[Liberalynn]

20. Alien Girl

:hug: I cannot know what you are going through I can only offer my thoughts and prayers.

I was raised Catholic, and am now agnostic but I have come to believe that our spirits live on and I think God if he/she does exist is love.

IMHO, The judgement and vindictiveness are human made, not divine.


Again, hugs and many thoughts and prayers to you.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

21. My dear AlienGirl...

My deepest condolences to you as you face this frightening future...

I too do not believe in a vengeful god. You're in a very scary place right now, and I don't have any very good words that might help.

I do have a poem that I wrote when I was thinking about my own eventual death. It helped me, and I hope you can find some comfort in it as well.

Release

he holds out his hand
speaking gently
from beneath the cloak that hides him
come with me it’s time
and I know he’s right

it’s time to go
to let go of this world
to see what lies beyond for I am weary now
every breath comes with a price
every appetite burns as I feed it

he wraps his arm around me
I rest my weariness against his strength
no painful phantasm here
but a welcome companion coming to take me
home

to my release

[davsand]

22. Have you considered other therapies than the traditional ones?

If the docs say they can't do anything, maybe you could find a better sense of control by using a dietary therapy or something else...

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2011/04/23/dr-nicholas-gonzalez-on-alternative-cancer-treatments.aspx


Best of luck to you, I am sorry you feel afraid and alone. I do not believe that it ends when we die, nor do I think that you will be forgotten. I don't want to sound like I'm batshit nuts, but I lost a very dear friend many years ago, and after she passed she came to visit me and offer comfort. Because she loved me, she wanted me to not be afraid and sad anymore. She wanted me to know she carried on free of this body and this realm. I carry that with me to this day, and that conviction has brought me much comfort when my father died.

Peace to you.


Laura

[Dappleganger]

23. Dear Tucker...

no one is trying to 'get' you, sometimes things happen and there is just no explanation other than a bad mix of genes. Fighting the deity who may/may not be responsible for this is only going to zap the energy you need to face each day's challenges ahead.

I am really sorry this is happening to you, and although we don't know one another I do understand the underlying thoughts of despair and just how unfair life can be at times. All I can tell you is that each moment you are here is an important one, and by reaching out to touch others you give them the opportunity to walk beside you in your world of hurt. Please continue to reach out and let others love on you, ok?

:hug:

[kimi]

24. Scary, yes, many things out there to be frightened of

when you face something like this. And I don't know much, but pretty darn sure of one thing, there is no vengefulness coming your way. I think those sorts of feelings are earthbound.

Lots of things to think of, in this thread, things I have trouble wrapping my head around, so I can't even begin to think what you must be dealing with.

I am so very sorry, I don't know you but you sound like a deep and thoughtful person who has been through a lot. I hope you have a good health-care team to help you make decisions and lay out options for your care, people you trust - this is important, but you know that.

Vibes, prayers, and hugs to you. :hug:

[alphafemale]

25. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Just remember that your DU family will be here for you.

[GreenPartyVoter]

26. Tucker, I'm so very sorry. *hugs* I wish I had the answer for what comes next, but

my _hope_ is that there is a next life and that it is lovely and peaceful. I've often felt like my parents are in the breeze and in the sunset. I feel very close to them when outside, and I've had a dream that very, very strongly made me think that perhaps there really is something else out there. Sometimes, like most people, I have my doubts, but I am really hoping and wishing that it's true.

What would help you with your fears? Have you thought of meeting with a clergy person or a counselor? Talking with us here might help, but maybe a person who can look into your eyes and hold you when you cry would be of even greater help?

:hug::cry:

[AlienGirl]

27. Also, I found this out in the hospital, just before being fired for "excessive absence"

I had a terrible ear infection that spread to the bones behind my ears, and the doctor who gave me my PET scan results was a random ENT, not even my regular oncologist. The first thing he started saying was I'd need to have my mandible removed.

Then, after six days in the hospital being pumped full of Vancomycin and Cipro (and nine IV sticks because the Vanco kept blowing out my veins) I tried to go back to work the next Monday, since my supervisor had told me I was getting written up for the absence. My balance was really off, and I collapsed at the office and was carried out on a backboard stretcher for another, shorter stay in the hospital (and was told I should stay out of work for five more days until the infection was completely gone and my last course of Cipro was finished).

While I was at the hospital talking to the cancer support program people, my supervisor called and told me I was fired...I have just been thoroughly bitchslapped by life.

Tucker

[Kali]

30. damn

how fucking low
do you have an attorney? just what you need, some kind of legal battle - I know - but for other reasons as well. Perhaps working in such a hostile environment isn't healthy anyway, but an attorney might be able to protect your interests in any sort of next steps you might be taking...

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

33. I am at a loss for words.

Nobody should ever be fired for being sick. Ever. There is something horribly wrong with an employer who does that. I am so sorry for your situation, and so angry at someone who would kick a person when they are already down. You might contact an employment lawyer and find out if you have any recourse under the Americans with Disabilities Act or some other law.

:hug:

[kimi]

35. The cancer support program people -

do they know this? Can they suggest anything? This is wrong on so many levels from my perspective, but I'm not an attorney and just have righteous anger to share with you. (But it's yours!)

Keep talking and sharing, with us and with them.

[GreenPartyVoter]

37. That is so very wrong! I can't believe how heartless that is.

[Odin2005]

49. Jesus, people are suck assholes!

:cry:

[grasswire]

66. I'd like to write that employer a *letter*

...if you want to provide the contact information.

Grrrrrr.

[AlienGirl]

68. They're getting a letter--a DEMAND FOR DISCOVERY letter from the former governor

The ex-gov has joined a local law firm where I already know people, and I know him (I am still working on getting him to come fully to the Light Side of the Force). His firm thinks I have at least a decent worker's comp claim.

Tucker

[grasswire]

71. well remember the modern court of public opinion

Social media. A tweet can go viral. Many a company has been called on the carpet for wrongful decisions or bad customer service.

And sometimes it could be useful to mention that you are part of an organization of 55,000 Internet activists who will act on your behalf when you say the word.

[nolabear]

28. Tucker, this is a very hard conversation to have in a public place, but I'll try.

It's all right to be afraid. But in my experience (professional...I'm a shrink) the brain is conditioned to protect itself from harm by trying to do the impossible, predict the future. I won't say a single cavalier thing about facing death because you are in a way most of us are not right now. But I will say that when you can, try to be here now and not predict. In the end it doesn't matter, and we will all have an end.

Now, I don't happen to believe in a human-like deity but I do believe that you can use your worry to tell you what you want to do, to appreciate beauty and to revel in all healthy things and to realize that peace is peace, and reveling in it is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it is what I wish for you, when you can find it.

You are clearly someone who feels, and is brave enough to tell what you feel. I'm honored that you are sharing those feelings. It makes an impact in places you might never know.

I hear your name, Tucker. I hear it.

[Starry Messenger]

29. (((hugs)))

[Hell Hath No Fury]

31. Tucker!

I remember your first go around so vividly. That you are dealing with another go around is more than one person should ever be faced with. :(

I know you are scared -- I would be terrified. But we are here for you, especially at 2:00 in the morning when the fear is the worst. :hug:

I will be sending you a PM. In the meantime, know that you are cared for, that you won't be forgotten, adn that you have all the support you can get right here.

Hell

[rasputin1952]

32. ...

:(

:hug:

[emilyg]

34. I am so very sorry.

[blueamy66]

36. a big hug for you

:hug:

[bicentennial_baby]

38. I love you sweetie

:hug:

[applegrove]

39. ((((TUCKER))))

[Aristus]

40. Oh Aliengirl, I'm so sorry...

:hug:

We're all with you, Tucker... :grouphug:

I'll never forget meeting you during the peace rally at Seattle Center in 2005.

I wish there was something I could do for you...

[Xipe Totec]

41. Never surrender

This is a poem I once got from my mother. Yes, my mother. Bravest woman I ever met.

After her second bout with breast cancer.

PS: She is still alive.

Do not surrender even when defeated,
and do not be a slave even in bondage,
trembling with fear advance bravely,
and attack with fury, though badly wounded.

Be as stubborn as a rusting nail,
that refuses to yield though old and ruined,
and do not envy the peacock's plumage,
that hides in fear at the first noise.

Be as a god that never cries,
or as a devil that never prays,
or as the oak whose mighty canopy,
needs of water but does not beg it.

Even when it rolls to the dust,
let your head scowl and bite,
and scream for vengeance.

- Pedro Palacios Almafuerte
Argentinian poet 1854-1917

[femmocrat]

42. Your post makes our petty problems so insignificant.

I am so sorry for what you are going through, Tucker. I will keep you in my heart and prayers. You will not be forgotten here on DU or by those who love and knew you.

I don't believe in punishment in the afterlife, but that we will be reunited with our family and pets who have gone before us. I hope you have someone you loved waiting for you. I also believe that after we are gone our "spirit" (or energy, or whatever it is) lives on in those we left behind.

I hope you will find some peace and the strength to face your treatments. Please continue to keep us updated, no matter how difficult that may be. We genuinely care about you and want to help you through this as much as we can from afar.

:hug: :pals: :grouphug:

[Dystopian]

43. Fear of the unknown....

Tucker..

I don't have the right words...
For me, there are none.
We all walk this path in life knowing whatever road we choose, we all will meet the same destination.
I'm so sorry that you are scared...

You will leave this world as we all will...
There is something greater than ourselves...
You will leave your footprint. You will never be forgotten.
At some point in your life ... you have smiled at a little child....
Most likely...many times.
We all leave a legacy ... it all matters.

Hoping that you may find a place of peace....
You've touched my heart..your words...

much peace and love to you~

[JohnnyLib2]

44. Hugs, and wish I could sit with you.

Many times. :hug:

[PassingFair]

45. Do you remember where "you" were before YOU were born?

Meditate on that non-existence and KNOW that
there will be no "retribution".

You have nothing to fear, but
much to mourn.

Make sure that the people you love know that
you love them.

:hug:

[Odin2005]

48. +1,000,000,000,000,000,000

[AlienGirl]

72. That is a bigger fear than "retribution." Loss of all that was my carefully-crafted selfhood.

[Odin2005]

47. Oh no!

:hug:

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

50. Oh my DU friend

:pal: no Being capable of creating all this would hold anything against you. :hug:
Let us know how it goes, please........

[RFKHumphreyObama]

51. I have no adequate words Tucker

But I am very deeply saddened and sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I remember your last bout with cancer and how much you went through and I'm so sad to hear that it has come back

I said a prayer for you just now and will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. We're all here for you if you need us/need to confide in us

I do not believe in a vengeful God. I believe the deity above looks at our human flaws with nothing other than love, compassion and understanding. I think He is much more capable of accepting our flaws than we can possibly comprehend on a human level and that He will welcome us into the next life with open arms and a love and mercy beyond our understanding

As for your name being forgotten, it will not be forgotten and will always live on among those who knew and loved you and among those whose lives you touched during your time here. I'm sure you will be remembered by many more people than you expect. Additionally, even people who may not have known you in person but who had the pleasure of knowing you online will always remember you -I know that I and many others here will

Remember, we're all here for you and there will be a lot of us thinking and praying for you:hug: :hug:

[auntAgonist]

52. I am so very sorry Tucker

:hug:

words are inadequate.

Please take care of you.

aA
kesha

[abq e streeter]

53. I have no adequate words

But just wanted to be one more person letting you know, that I, along with the other posters above, care very very much. I would not presume to tell anyone that my religious and/or spiritual beliefs are right, but I believe, in part from scientific research I've read on those that have experienced the "other side", that there is a soul, and a peacefulness that need not be feared (and of , course, that's easy for me to say right now). But I will relate the experience of my dad's best friend, who died 3 years ago. He was not an atheist, but not far from it either, who scoffed at the idea of "heaven" etc...He also had been, in his day, a bit of a "cad" , as his generation would put it, and had hurt some people along the way. So "retribution" certainly could have been his destiny if there is a vengeful creator... But his daughter told me that his last words were out of the blue; he'd been in a coma or close to it, in his final couple of days. But he woke up, opened his eyes, and said either "I'm in heaven" or "I see heaven" and then closed his eyes again, and passed on , or maybe through, the next day. My dad was stunned to hear that since he knew him to so non-religious. Exactly what he saw or felt, I of course couldn't begin to guess or presume, but that story has comforted me as I prepare myself for the day that can not be too far off, when my 93 year old father takes his last breath, and for the day that I do the same. I am another night owl (sometimes anyway) and as someone else above offered, if you experience your fears late at night and wonder if there's no one awake to just talk to, even by words typed on a screen, I sometimes check out DU when I'm having my bouts of insomnia, and will respond if I see something from you wanting or needing that human connection, even in this form.
Ron

[JTG of the PRB]

54. I'm so sorry, Tucker. Such awful news...

I'm sorry you're afraid. All I can say is, be brave. Fear will fade. Death is just another part of life, and a journey to something else beyond this plane of existence. It's just a damned shame there has to be so much pain and fear along the way sometimes.

Don't fear your next life because your next life will again be full of wonder and exploration and learning things for the first time again. I think that, right now, you are making up for any ingratitudes, by appreciating beauty and health and peace now. You will once again know those things, and plenty of them.

Be strong. That's all I can say. You will never cease to be you; you'll simply move onto something beyond what you already are. You won't be forgotten. Take care. :hug:

[bluesbassman]

55. My heart and thoughts go out to you Tucker.

:hug:

[Kat45]

56. I am so sorry to hear this.

I don't know if this helps, but I'll just say I don't believe in a vengeful deity. I believe in a merciful, loving God.

[denbot]

57. There is nothing I can say..

Hugs..

[FloridaJudy]

58. I'm so, so sorry.

We all have to face this sooner or later. I'm sad because for you it will be far, far too soon.

Call hospice. Not only are they experts in relieving physical pain, but in offering spiritual comfort as well. Quite the smartest, wisest and most compassionate clergy I've ever met work with them. They won't try to convert you - people who take advantage of the dying to promote their religious agenda are lower than pond scum - but may help you explore sources of allaying fear that fit your own beliefs.

Again, I'm so sorry.

[LiberalAndProud]

59. Just know

that we are here for you. If there is something, don't be afraid to ask. We'll be here to keep you company when you feel alone, and to try to help you face the fear, if we can.

I am so sorry. :hug:




Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

[Digit]

60. We are here for you

Reach out when you need us. For any reason, at any time day or night there will be someone here on DU to listen.

You will never be forgotten.....EVER....and your essence will survive. Miracles can happen also, so keep that in mind.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and if I see a post from you, I, along with the others on DU will be here for you.

I wish you all the best.

Your DU Friend, Digit. :hug:

[JCMach1]

61. So very very sorry...

:(

[RadiationTherapy]

62. My brother lost his ability to sing, laugh, eat, and speak because of radiation for cancer.

The art that ensued has changed our life forever. Modern communication models, such as DU, can help you from feeling too isolated or too self-conscious. It doesn't have to be an end; it could be a beginning.


I wish you strength in your upcoming battle.

[Gormy Cuss]

63. I'm sorry that a cyber hug is the best that I can offer to you.

I hope that you have IRL support from people around you. ((hugs))

[hunter]

64. Oh!

:hug: :cry:

[flvegan]

65. Hey sweets.

Inbox me. Last we talked you were coming to my area. My best to you.

[Skittles]

67. someone always here for you, Tucker

you'll always have us

[AlienGirl]

69. Thank you

:hug:

[AlienGirl]

70. Thank you all who have replied and PM'd me

It's 2:30 am again, and knowing I have sympathetic cyber-"ears" means more to me than I can express.

:grouphug:

Tucker

[Skittles]

73. again, someone always here, girl

:hi:

[Bertha Venation]

74. Tucker

:hug: <-- that's all I can offer. I have no words.

But this paragraph:

I'm scared that there is a vengeful deity who will punish me for the
ingratitudes of this life by making things bad in the next. That I will be ugly
because I didn't appreciate beauty when I had it. That I will be sick because I
did not appreciate health. That I will be born into war because I never stopped
to think how lucky I am to have lived in peace.

This moved me.

Please, please, please stay on DU and let us keep up with you. I'll come back regularly just to hear from you here.

:hug:

[riderinthestorm]

75. Tucker, when you are low, imagine yourself held up by those who love you. At DU, in real life,

within your family past and present, your friends.

You are loved. You will be remembered. When you are afraid, just reach out to be held and you will be held.

I am so sorry to hear this.

[LiberalAndProud]

76. Hi, AlienGirl.

As the dark, loney early morning hour approaches again, I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

It occurs to me, if we can commune, as we are, over the internet, anything is possible.

LuvU
:loveya:


((Tucker))

[AlienGirl]

89. Thank you.

:hug:

[Duppers]

77. I know how scared you are.

Yet, I admire your strength.

:hug:



Let's keep Tucker at the top of the page.

[lillypaddle]

78. Of course you are afraid,

who wouldn't be? I wish I could say something that would somehow help you feel better. I don't know what that could be, I'm at such a loss. I will be sending you positive vibes & prayers, though, and wishing you only the very best. Please keep us updated and let us know what is going on with you.

Almost 10 years ago I had a bilateral mastectomy. I often wonder when it will be my time again.

[mvd]

79. I'm very very sorry to hear that, AlienGirl

You are a wonderful DUer who I've also known as a fellow mod before. First of all, I'm hoping you survive this, too. It happens. Second, it's normal to fear death. I'll say that I believe in an afterlife, and while I don't have the answers, death has to be a natural part of life. So when we die, it is just something that is like being born, growing up, etc. Nothing we can do about it. That helps me sometimes with my fear.

[AlienGirl]

86. Thank you. I enjoyed moderating with you!

:hug:

[sinkingfeeling]

80. I'm so sorry to read this. I also received some bad news from a PET this week.

Mine has not be confirmed and I just had a CT scan yesterday.

I agree with your choice of 'treatments' for these new cancers. I have been thinking along the same lines.

I understand your fear.

You will never be forgotten as long as your words remain here. Your family and friends will carry your memory forward.

You can always speak to us and we will try to help.

Peace be upon you, friend.

[WinkyDink]

81. {{{{AlienGirl}}}} I so hope the doctors and treatments ease your pain and your mind. I will not

forget your words:

That I will be ugly because I didn't appreciate beauty when I had it. That I will be sick because I
did not appreciate health. That I will be born into war because I never stopped
to think how lucky I am to have lived in peace.

I once marvelled at how lucky I was even to be ambulatory, when so many are not. I'll try to keep these types of thoughts more to the forefront.

[Arugula Latte]

82. I've started to reply to this thread about six times and stopped ...

Everything I write sounds trite. So I'm just going to do this: :hug:

[AlienGirl]

84. Trite's OK

For some reason, I get more emotional about the whole thing when I can't sleep; and lately I can't sleep without a whopping dose of Ambien or another new-generation sleeping pill.

Everyone is trite when looking at the tritest of mortal experiences. Heck, it's trite that I am scared. What *isn't* scared of dying--even an insect reflexively avoids destruction. Even plants have tropisms away from the dark...

Tucker

[kimi]

87. Then I wish you sleep, by whatever means

You are being thought of. :hug:

[Arugula Latte]

101. Sometimes when contemplate mortality, I get comfort from a strange thing.

I've been thinking a lot about death, as we have had a lot of health problems in our family lately (cancer, etc.). But the thing that makes a lot of people uncomfortable, that we are beings who are here for only a blink of an eye in the cosmic scheme of things, somehow makes me feel better. I think about the billions of years that have come before and the billions of years that will come after and realize that even if someone lives to be 110, that really is just a blip. We are all in the same boat. "You're only dancing on this Earth for a short while..." as Cat Stevens once said. That holds true for all.

[Redstone]

83. Jesus God, AG, all I can do is send my best wishes.

Redstone

[AlienGirl]

85. That is enough. Thank you.

:hug:

[LiberalAndProud]

88. AlienGirl!

I've been missing you.

[peacefreak]

90. What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot erode faith
It cannot eat away peace
It cannot destroy confidence
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot shut out memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot reduce eternal life
It cannot quench the spirit
It cannot lesson the power of the resurrection


I found this a while back when a good friend of mine was diagnosed.
Be assured you are thought of & much cared for around here.
Wishing you peace.:hug:

[lunatica]

91. My mother had a near death experience many years ago

And from what I hear about this experience it seems to be pretty universal that life goes on. The essence of you, your conscious knowing of who you are continues. You will not cease to be and God will not punish you. Truly, Creator love us all unconditionally, unbelievers and even the worst of terrible sinners.

Many years later my mother had palliative care at home because she had pancreatic cancer. She was never afraid because she knew what was in store. And even the literature the home hospice gave the family let us know each step of the process we would go through and what the patient experiences. Towards the end of life dying people see those people who have died before as well as other people they don't know.

I was once sitting next to an elderly woman who I had volunteered to drive to the venue in a theater waiting for a classical music concert . It was before the concert started and she was looking at the empty stage when she turned to me and asked my why so many people were walking on the stage. She couldn't figure out what they were doing there. I told her I didn't see anyone but she was adamant that they were there. So I played along with her and acted as if I believed her. Later I told a woman who was a nurse what had happened and she told me it was very common with people who are nearing the end of their lives. She had seen it happen dozens of times.

Trust that God isn't the God that punishes. Trust that when religions say God loves his creation that it's the one time they're telling it like it is.

Everyone who has a near death experience says the same thing. They feel totally accepted and loved and they don't ever want to come back. They actually feel disappointed to come back. My mother told me that same thing. She said for the first time in her life she felt totally safe.

[fizzgig]

92. i wish you strength and peace, tucker

[Digit]

93. Hey Girl

I have been thinking of you, even if you are not aware of it.
You have so many friends here to talk to day or night.

On the other side, where we all will be sometime or other, is a world of love...commercial free.

I have left my body by accident a couple of times and was really astounded (that is not the right word) to realize without a doubt that I was NOT my physical body. I was separate and "alive" and the other thing was just a "body".

That was when I lost my fear of death. I am not well, myself, but I look forward to an afterlife that is beyond my wildest dreams. I can't quite capture how it felt now that I am in the physical, but I can recall the amazement I felt at the time in small glimpses.

At least this is what I believe from what I have experienced.

We are here for you...we are thinking of you, and all you have to do is reach out if you need to share.

Love,
Digit

[CrawlingChaos]

94. one possible source of help for the fear

Tucker, my heart goes out to you.

I don't know if this is something you'd ever consider, but I have been doing a lot of reading lately about psychedelic therapy for end of life patients and I know this is something I want to try when my time comes. Apparently, at the correct dosages (which is key), the results are overwhelmingly positive and patients report losing their fear of death. Here's one article about it:

http://www.alternet.org/drugs/150980/how_christopher_hitchens_could_help_his_fellow_cancer_patients_by_promoting_psychedelic_end-of-life_therapy/?page=1

You will be in my thoughts and I'll be watching for updates on how you're doing.

[BlueIris]

95. Oh, AG. There is nothing to fear.

Take that for what it's worth, coming from someone who is not in your shoes. But I feel relatively confident that death is a transition, not an ending, and dying will not mean ceasing to be you. At all.

((((( AlienGirl )))))

[laylah]

96. Oh AG!

I am so sorry to hear this.

Though we have never interacted on any great level these past 10 years, I have frequently followed your posts. You are sharp as a tack and have brought much joy, laughter, and serious debate to many here.

As many have said before me, someone will ALWAYS be here for you, just reach out.

Sending prayers your way. I will be keeping my eyes open for updates.

(((((Tucker)))))

[Avalux]

97. I am so sorry.......

I'm truly saddened by your news and wish I could give you a big hug; please know I'm praying for you and sending you love. I always enjoyed moderating with you; it was awhile ago but I remember. :hug:

[JitterbugPerfume]

98. ((((((((((hug)))))))

[Ricochet21]

99. Wishing you the very best

May the Angels watch over you

[OneGrassRoot]

100. ....

:hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :hug: :hug:

[villager]

102. I remember when you went through it the first time. Here's a decade's worth of virtual hugs

...to see you through the second round.

Take care, Tucker, and all healing wishes to you.

[felix_numinous]

103. Hugs to you AlienGirl

I started listening to audio tapes at night of good stories to keep me peaceful. Clarissa Pinkola Estes has some great ones, including bedtime stories. (I have been going through chemo for lymphoma, 4th stage)--she has an extremely calming voice. (I loaded them on my PC and wear earbuds)

My sister gave me a couple of good books, one that is pretty heavy but really has helped me a lot, by Stephen Levine. One is called 'Who Dies?, and the other 'Healing into Life and Death'. The second one has some phenomenal meditations. I can only pick up these books once in awhile since they are so heavy, but have found that they have really helped me a lot. I don't know you well so you may or may not be into these tapes or books, but I wanted to share them with you.

One thing is for sure, you are not alone :hug:

[hedgehog]

104. It's OK to be scared, and OK to be angry. Just know also that you will be welcomed on the other side

[LeftishBrit]

105. I am so sorry that you are going through this

I send you my best thoughts. I hope things turn out to be better than they seem. In any case, I can assure you that you will NOT be forgotten.

I don't think we ever communicated directly on DU, but I'd like to say that I've always found you an inspiring poster.

[mwdem]

106. Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.

May you take the path you feel is right. Suffering sucks! I'm 5 years out of breast cancer, had chemo, had another cancer a year later, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know your story, and I thought you'd be out of the woods. We never know what will come next, but do not be afraid! I know that's hard, but talk to everyone you know all the time. It really helps. We are all here for you....:hug:

[FloridaJudy]

107. Kick for AlienGirl

Let's keep her in our thoughts - and at the top of the page.

[pacalo]

108. This is so heartbreaking.

There are no words to express how sorry I am to read about your difficult position.

My mother, who had breast cancer & a mastectomy in 2000, got deathly sick after her first chemo treatment. A day after, I was called to come to her home; she was curled up in her bed & unresponsive, just faintly breathing, with an ambulance on the way to take her to the emergency room.

She had caught a virus at the hospital, apparently, but was in the hospital for a month, due to complications.

Much later on, she said something I’ll never forget. When she was curled up in bed, in her own little world, she was close to death & she had seen “the light”. She said she was so peaceful during that time, that she’ll never be afraid to die.

You’ve listed many significant things you were afraid that you’d taken for granted, but just acknowledging these things to us shows that you already are appreciative of them.

I hope you find comfort & support to help you through this. I’m going to pray for you, Tucker.

:hug:

[hippywife]

109. Dear Tucker, for that is what you are...

even tho we don't know one another, you are another soul in this world, which in itself makes you dear.

Tho I can't know the place where you find yourself, I can only hope to offers some small consolation to you, to hopefully assist you in setting your fears side.

We can not go back to change the past, what we see as our greatest failings, which are ALWAYS exaggerated by our own imaginings. All we can do is realize them and set them aside, knowing they are done. Don't dwell on those now. What we can do as long as we draw breath is to influence the now, walk in love and allow it to wholly embrace those around us. Focus on giving that gift to others and the fear will recede and peace will come to live in your heart and mind.

That I will be ugly because I didn't appreciate beauty when I had it. That I will be sick because I
did not appreciate health. That I will be born into war because I never stopped to think how lucky I am to have lived in peace.

That these are your thoughts, the things that drive your fears, says much about the depths of your heart and mind. Is the moment of your passing this very one? No. There is still time to give these gifts to yourself, to drink in that which soothes you and brings calm into every moment that remains.

It is my greatest hope for you, and for us all, that we can know peace of heart, mind, and soul by focusing on these very things, by shining the love that is in our hearts on others, and also on ourselves. You are already loved, Tucker, love yourself as well. Give that to yourself. There is already enough hurt in the world, there is no need to inflict it upon ourselves, too.

Take that which is good and loving right now, and leave the rest behind you for good.

Much love to you from a stranger who knows you only from this moment in time forward and whose mempry of you will be so contained.

[auntAgonist]

110. +100 n/t

[Arugula Latte]

111. Tucker -- Thinking of you

We're all with you. :grouphug: