the biggest thing I hate about being unemployed? People don't respect my time

[nadine_mn]

Besides you know the whole lack of $$ thing. I hate that people think I have nothing to do but wait on them. Grrrr the biggest violator is my mom. She works in St. Paul and doesn't drive. Its not that she CAN'T drive, she doesn't like to. She lives 30 miles from work and rides a carpool van. I live north of Minneapolis. My mom seems to think I have nothing better do than pick her up from work whenever she doesn't want to ride the van (she has to wait about 30-45 min before its her turn to get picked up).

Let me explain to you what she has no problem with - I am to drive 25-30 miles (30 to 45 min depending on traffic) east to St Paul to pick her up, drive 30 miles north to drop her off (also stop wherever she wants to go shopping) and then drive 30 miles back home. My mom has her car in the shop (her carpool ditched the van, and now each takes turns using their car for the week - my mom still won't drive, someone else has to) and today she said will you pick me up early so I can get my car. Ok (I am ok with that), she said she will let me know @ 1pm. She calls, car isn't ready so she said well let me give them another hour - you aren't doing anything. 2pm - car still isn't ready so now we go through this mess again tomorrow. I wanted to run some errands because its cool today, but I have been waiting for her damn calls. She said the car shop apologized - to her for the waiting - but she didn't apologize to me for not just saying once it wasn't ready at 1pm to wait until tomorrow.

If my husband falls asleep on the bus and misses his stop, I am supposed to drop whatever I am doing to drive the mile and a half up the street to pick him up. Leaving the house is not just grabbing the keys - I have 2 dogs - so I have to take 5 min to potty them and puppy proof the house (garbage up, barricade around the kitty litter) and of course, I am usually cooking dinner, so I have to take crap off the stove... all because he is too lazy to walk or stay awake. This has happened more than a few times.

I know it minor, its just if I was working my mom would have to fend for herself and my husband would have to stay awake on his damn bus ride.


I apologize for my mini-rant - its just I have been unemployed so long, my depression has gotten worse, my mom has a long history of being extremely selfish (it may not seem like it here... but seriously she has alientated her whole family because of her behavior), and I am just having a pity party.

wah

[ceile]

1. I understand...

I do work, but I get it. I work from home a few days a week because I can. I don't always have to be in the office. But because I work from home, I'm expected to do all the chores, walk the dog, cook dinner, etc. Well, maybe not expected- but I get the "what have you been doing all day?" look if something isn't done. Drives me nuts sometimes.
And it's ok to say "no" sometimes. Be firm about it!

[nadine_mn]

6. Thanks - sometimes no is so hard to say! nt

[LiberalAndProud]

2. Hey, nadine.

I don't blame you for being upset about the car repair. I'd be plenty pissed too.

Here's a huge hug for the frustration and aggravation. :hug:

But as for giving your mom a ride on regular days, maybe she's just wanting to spend some time with you? I hope she's helping out with the gas. If she's not, maybe it's time to introduce her to Skittles.

[nadine_mn]

7. thank you for the hug

and hmmmm I wonder if Skittles can do long distance ass kickings?

[pitohui]

3. been self or unemployed for half a century and i have to say...

...this couldn't happen if you simply stopped answering your phone

i have my contacts set up so each person who calls me regularly has a photo and a ring tone specific to them that pops up, if the person is a time waster, i do not answer the call, i may or may not call back at the time of my own choosing

in the case of your mom using you as a free taxi service, i would make up some story about how since i lost my job, i have lost my gas card (or even i would claim my car is in the shop) and then i wouldn't answer the phone for several weeks to several months until she finds someone else to victimized

to be honest, what i REALLY did in your situation, was to refuse all calls forever from bums hitting me as a taxi service, but since it's your mom, you can't just shut her out forever, but you need to stop providing the free rides though

of course you're depressed, you'll never find another job or have a serious home business that makes money if you keep dropping everything to be an unpaid cab driver

as for your husband, same thing, let him sleep on the bus, call you for pickup, you don't answer, you don't answer, you don't answer, when he finds his own way home, apologize and say, oh my phone battery must have died, have that happen a few times and he'll figure it out or i'll say i just had a glass of wine while whipping up dinner, couldn't drive, so he has to find his own way (i'm little and no longer drink even after 1 glass of wine)

if you allow other people to disrespect your time OF COURSE you'll be depressed, you need to value yourself and cut off the damn phone to people who are abusing you

i distanced my mom once for a few months, not over taxi rides, she can't stand me driving, but it was just as damaging to my health and esteem, and once we were talking again, she was MUCH more respectful of my limits and my health, we never discussed the problem, discussion just leads to yelling and arguments, we simply quietly and silently came to an agreement that i have an equal right to respect as any other human being

[nadine_mn]

8. Thank you so much for understanding, I was really feeling sorry for myself

and just needed to vent and so glad someone understands my frustration

thanks

[riderinthestorm]

11. +1. I also screen calls and use whatever tactics I must to preserve my independence.

I believe what's making you crazy is your loss of independence. You are feeling used (and you are!) I'm also self-employed and my mom used to call me at the worst times. She KNOWS my work routine yet she'd pick the worst times to try to call and just chat while I'm wrestling two 1000 lb horses into the barn who have been driven to insanity with the flies and who are anxious for dinner....

So I screen people. I make no bones about it. When someone sounds even a bit upset that I didn't answer, I simply say their call came at a bad time and I couldn't take it. You may be involved in revising a resume, talking to a potential employer on the phone, taking the dogs out to pee. I don't care. Your time is your own. You don't have to be their servant. I too have lied to my mother - "oops, lost my phone for a few days!" in order to emphasize a point when she becomes overbearing.

And I agree with pitohui, I NEVER drink and drive. Not even if I've had one glass of wine. It's a good excuse for 5:00 happy hour.

[TorchTheWitch]

4. have you ever considered just saying "no, I'm busy"?

People can't take advantage of you if you don't let them, you know.

[nadine_mn]

10. I have tried...I have a hard time saying no to anyone

esp my mom. I can be assertive just fine, but at heart I am a people pleaser

[TorchTheWitch]

13. and in doing so you are making yourself unhappy and upset

Learn to say "NO" or you will always get taken advantage of thus always feeling unhappy and upset when it happens, and the more selfish people realize you're a push-over the more often they'll take advantage and they'll take more, more, and more that just escalates and it's you that suffers for it more, more and more. The only person that can fix this is you.

[Ineeda]

5. One of the most underused word of those who are

retired or otherwise 'stay-at-home' is "NO." Apologize or not, make excuses or not, lie or not, but just say "NO."

[nadine_mn]

9. I know, I know... but my mom's guilt trips are very effective

esp as the only child... I wish I had siblings to share that ride with.

[Orrex]

12. Simple answer: become a bus driver

Then you could pick up your mom and drive her wherever the hell she wants to go, and you could kick your husband's slumbering ass off the bus when you pass your house.


You are correct, and being unemployed does indeed suck. There is no shortage of subtle and not-so-subtle reminders that your time is "less valuable" than other people's.


Best of luck to you!

[Lasher]

14. Rant on, Nadine.

This is a good place for it. I don't blame you for blowing off some steam, and it can be good therapy.