Discouraged--People Who Talk Endlessly About Themselves

[dynasaw]

More and more I seem to be running into people who can only talk about themselves. It's no longer much
fun socially as every conversation usually runs on endlessly about what they did, what they will be doing, what they
think of themselves. 99% of the time, these "friends" never ask how you're doing or what's going on with your life.
If you start to tell them what's going on with you there's this glazed expression.

When did this all start to happen? What happened to social exchange, mutuality, caring etc? It's come to a point
usually where conversations are so one sided and I feel as if I am there only to be the natterer's dumb receiver.
It's usually hopeless trying to change the subject because these self talkers seem adept at diverting the conversation right back to
themselves.

[muffin1]

1. I've noticed that happening more and more over the last few years.

These dolts talk endlessly about themselves for what seems like hours on end. Finally, when you get a chance to chime in, you're right, they either have a glazed look, or act like they don't hear you at all - and keep right on talking about THEMSELVES. I don't know how these folks can be so frigging clueless!

[Bunny]

2. I think it's related to facebook, twitter, and the like.

Those social media sites encourage people to talk about themselves, even the most mundane aspects of their lives, and it accustoms them to thinking in those terms when they try to interact with people offline.

[Whisp]

41. maybe so, but I say no. It's been like that for a long while before twiiterdom.

[bif]

3. You must have run into my Dad then.

Whenever we have a get together it's a constant stream of "I, I, I, me, me, me," on and on forever. All he talks about is himself. My mom used to call it "Dad's holding court again."

[raccoon]

4. I used to run into that a lot. This was pre-facebook days. It annoys the dickens out of me too.

Suggestions:

When the person yammers on about themself, squeeze in something like, "Let me tell you about my colonoscopy."

If you consider this person a friend, have a little discussion and tell him/her that you feel like every time you talk, they talk pages or paragraphs and you hardly get to say anything. Or that they yak on and on about themselves, but don't seem to be interested in you. IOW, Call them on it!

If that doesn't work, you might want to re-think your relationship with this person.

I too feel used when I feel like I'm just the natterer's dumb receiver.

[pitohui]

5. how old are they?

it happens sometimes as people get older, you may be doing it too and not aware of it (that bit about people's eyes glazing over when you talk is a clue you're doing SOMETHING wrong)


also if they have a challenge in their life (drug addict, kid has a mental illness, cancer, you name it) it's hard to ask questions about their life without feeling as if i'm prying so i chat about this and that in my life and it's THEIR choice whether to bring up their life or not

past a certain time of life, opportunities are gone and things don't really get better for most people nor can they recover very easily for tragedy so it seems snoopy and cruel to ask about THEM, esp. if you already have reason to know they have some problems in the background

you're damned if you do ask about THEM and damned if you don't

as far as i'm concerned, it's far more courteous NOT to ask, if i want you to know what i'm doing and thinking, i can tell you, i hate being quizzed/interrogated in the name of "conversation," tell me something i DON'T know, tell me what YOU'RE doing, keep it light and fun

so you see...there are two sides to this as you get older

the most trashy thing americans do and almost all of them do it, is ask you "what do you do?" this is not caring about the other person, it is not respect, mutuality or concern, it is being a dick who wants to quickly put me in a box based on status and class, a pox on people who use this pose of making conversation to snoop into my life, "what i do" is none of your damn business unless you're my accountant

[chrisa]

25. Well, on the subject of "What do you do..."

It's a filler conversation that tries to spark conversation of something else. It's one of those things like, "Nice weather we're having today!" or something like that. The other person doesn't actually care what you do - they're just trying to make conversation.

I don't think it's judging, but more of an attempt to grasp at straws for conversation. I don't think it's something a good conversationalist would say, though, just because it does come off as being kind of judging, I guess. I would never even think to ask someone "What they do" because, why does it matter?

[kentauros]

50. I would ask (and have asked) what people do.

Why? Because I am genuinely interested. I can learn something (assuming they like what they do) and it keeps the conversation on relatively safe topics. If I want to discuss politics, or something equally serious, then I'll either come here or only bring it up with those I know hold similar beliefs.

As is pointed out below, too many people have never heard of Dale Carnegie, much less read any of his books. So they don't know how to hold a conversation and they certainly don't know how to listen. I can't tell you how many times I get interrupted while I'm trying to voice my side of things. I never get to finish a sentence. I've been tempted lately to get a t-shirt made up that states "If you can't listen to what I'm saying without interrupting, then I have nothing more to say." ;)

[Patiod]

6. I had a smart, charming ex who would do that

His other ex-girlfriends and I would joke that he could do a (usually pretty interesting) half-hour monologue about himself, and if you needed to get off the phone, all you had to do is say "well, I had an interesting day myself yesterday...." and he'd say "well, I have another call coming in" or "I have to get back to work" pretty damned quickly.

We also know another delightful woman, but she's a monologist. We realized it not from narcissism (like my ex) but because she was a radio DJ, and used to filling long stretches of air with one-sided chatter. Our neighbor the dentist is the same way, probably for the same reason.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

7. known collectively as The Age of Narcissism. I think several books have

been written on the subject. meh. I think we are moving out of it and into a more dangerous age of Personality Disorder Complex.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

11. The Culture of Narcissism, by Christopher Lasch.

Good book.


These people never heard of Dale Carnegie, who said that to get along with people you should be interested in them and ask them about themselves.

My mother and grandmother used to whine about "What are people gonna THINK about me?"

Dad, who was an attorney, would shut them down with a priceless comment: "Most people are so self-centered, they are more worried about what YOU think of THEM."

Mom and Grandma would sit there with their mouths open like a fish waiting for a hook.

:rofl:

[kentauros]

51. "Trout look" - George Gobel

:o

[TorchTheWitch]

8. I just went through one of these episodes with Crazy Neighbor

I still want to pierce my eardrums with a sharp stick.

[idiotgardener]

9. Wow

I have noticed this over the last few years too but thought it was bad friend choice on my part. You have given me more to think about.

[ellenrr]

43. me too. I thot it was cuz I am too good a listener...

I AM a good listener and I like to listen to people talk, but with many people, when I talk, they are not listening.
I think it has to do with most people have no one who listens to them, so when they find someone who does, they talk...and talk...

[applegrove]

10. I talk about myself a lot in the lounge but I'm trying to draw stories or favourites

out from people so I have to give myself as the first example. I don't talk nearly as much in person.

[femmocrat]

21. I love your posts applegrove!

You are one of my faves. :hug:

[applegrove]

26. Thank you so much.

[frogmarch]

12. in emails from a forever friend of mine

I get mostly "me me me" messages. It's especially disappointing when I've told her about something traumatic or wonderful happening in my life, and I get back something like "that's nice/too bad. Today I went shopping with Leah and we found some...yadah yadah yadah..."

[Skittles]

28. you want I should kick some forever friend ass, frogmarch?

LEMME AT HER

[frogmarch]

32. haha, no, she's okay, just

thoughtless sometimes in emails. In real life she's a gem. In times of need, she is always the first one there to help and give emotional support.

I do have other forever friends you can go after, though. Thanks in advance. :-)

[Kat45]

13. Yes, I know a lot of people like that.

I also know a lot of people who do that in all their emails. These days, there are a lot of friends who I don't see anymore and our only correspondence is via email. I ask them about themselves and they tell me, and I also tell them what's going on with me. In replies, I often comment or follow up on what they've said, but they almost never do that regarding what I've said. Sometimes I might be telling them about something important to me or something bothering me, and I feel as though they never even read it--or didn't give a shit if they did. They also might not answer the questions I asked them, but they'll go on about something else about themselves. And often, after their first email reply to me, they never bother replying again. I know people are busy, but they're busyness often does involve other people, and I feel like I'm just not important enough to these people who are supposedly my friends. Pisses me off.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

14. My sister-in-law.

OMG, she's the worst. Whatever topic comes up in conversation, she turns it to something relating to her. She is an expert on everything; just ask her. Not feeling well? She'll diagnose your condition, tell you how to treat it, and then launch into a monologue about how she had the same thing, only it was much worse. Going on a trip? Wherever you're going she's already been there, and she'll tell you all about it. Reading a book or going to a movie? She's read it or seen it, and she'll give you the definitive review. If you mention a certain food you like she'll tell you at great length all about how you ought to cook it, because she knows exactly the right way. Don't bother trying to talk about something you've done or seen, because she'll just interrupt and tell you all about her experience with whatever topic you brought up.

I swear, if I told her I was planning to travel to Oslo to pick up my Nobel Peace Prize she'd tell me about her last trip to Oslo and what were the best restaurants and how she was good friends with the Prime Minister.

[ellenrr]

47. My SIL is like that. She doesn't turn the conversation to her,

but she just keeps up a conversation and never stops long enough for me to put in a word.

Last year when I had a new job, - which was good news - I spent an entire day with her and my bro, and never got asked - how is your new job?

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

48. Ha! Mine is just like that.

She's never asked me anything about my job, my life, not so much as a "what's new with you these days?" I never met anyone so self-absorbed. That kind of behavior can result in hurt feelings - until you figure out that these people are hopeless narcissists and nothing you do will ever interest them unless somehow it involves them.

[Silver Swan]

15. I have always tended to be that way

The only way I thought I could related to other people was to talk about my own similar experience. I think the internet helped me realize this. When I was about to post something, I would think, would anyone care about this? Would this add anything to the discussion, or help the original poster?

Usually, I would end up deleting instead of posting.

Now, unless asked, I just try and listen.

(Even this post is rather self centered, isn't it? I guess I still do it.)

[PassingFair]

22. Congratulations on realizing that you DO it!

My mother is the QUEEN of this!

In fact, she will frequently FEIGN concern
about a situation or ailment she thinks I
might have, just so she can use that as a
platform to launch into her "I know how you
feel, when your Dad was alive....." monologues.

That. I. Have. Heard. Before. A. Thousand. Times.

I finally called her on it (half a lifetime too
late) probably because it took me half a lifetime
to realize WHAT she was doing, and HOW she was
doing it.

I told her, flat out, that people don't want to
hear her life stories when they are in distress,
and she said pretty much the same thing that you
said in your first paragraph.

It's OK to empathize, but it's not OK to hi-jack
the conversation with your related tales of grief
or what not. Exceptions, of course, for actual
helpful information. For instance, "I used THIS
product when I was afflicted with XX" would be
helpful when someone tells you they have "XX".

Of course, now her conversation consists entirely
of a list of things she's done today. Literally.

"Well, I got up and made my bed. Did 3 loads of laundry,
hung them out to dry, you know how I LOVE the smell
and feel of FRESH AIR DRIED sheets!"

I know, I know.....

Just shoot me now.

[Arugula Latte]

16. Yep. Happens all the time. Me Me Me ... Who cares about you?

[Lasher]

17. Enough talk about me.

Now let's talk about what you think of me.

[Skittles]

29. STOP IT LASHER

:rofl:

[Lasher]

31. I'll be here all week.

I kill me.

:D

[Odin2005]

18. In my experience most people that do that are Boomers.

*HIDES*

[femmocrat]

20. Really?

We really are entering our dotage, I guess. :(

[Odin2005]

38. I don't mean it to be mean, it's just what I've noticed, unfortunately.

:(

[femmocrat]

45. I know...

I just think we are becoming our parents' generation ---- (you know, OLD)! How did that happen? x(

[Odin2005]

53. LOL, my dad turned 58 this summer. He's started dressing like and old person!

[PassingFair]

23. I had a work colleague that I like and admired. We were good friends....

Then she discovered FaceBook, got divorced, got fired, filed for bankruptcy and
started talking ENDLESSLY about her "boyfriends".

She is almost 40, and the "boyfriends" were all
in their 20's or long distance booty calls.

She fell in love with a new "boyfriend" every
week, and I couldn't keep them straight.

She seemed to regress to the emotional level of
a teenager, and no one could stand to talk to her.

She asked me out to lunch with her once, and spent
THE ENTIRE TIME on her FaceBook (company computer).
Nice catching up with you!

She also pretty much checked-out on the parenting front,
had her first ex take custody, so she could party without
having to worry about driving them around.

She has since "settled down" with a married guy, and
stopped falling in love every week.

I cut her a lot of slack because I think the divorce
and job loss hit her self-esteem pretty hard, and she
was acting out.

Through it all, the hardest thing to do is listen to
how "smokin hot" she is and how everyone tells her that
she "is the most beautiful/perfect woman in the world", etc. etc.
without offering the advice that she shouldn't believe the words
of men that just want to get into your pants.

[Odin2005]

39. Ugh, she sounds like a walking personality disorder.

[PassingFair]

54. Yeah. The problem is that I really love her. She's like an old war buddy to me...

We worked together in a real shark infested
sales pool. She had more intelligence and
energy than most of the other reps. She was also the
ONLY other rep (and there were 65 of us in
the office) who had ANY IDEA of decency and
ethics AND we had a lot of fun kicking the
butts of the sharks and the vultures we worked
with.

She took SO many hits to her self-esteem in
such a short period of time, I think she just
went into a tailspin.

I'm still hopeful that she will come out of it.

:cry:

[KT2000]

19. Here is the cure:

Start talking about yourself and keep it up - they will want to leave or hang up when the topic is not themselves.

Yes - this seems to be increasing.

[Tracer]

24. I used to play tennis with an older guy.

The tennis-playing was fun.

The pre-tennis-playing was not.

HIM: Hi, how are you?

ME: I'm fi.............

HIM: Did I ever tell you about the time I was stationed in Guam blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

[Skittles]

27. that's because it is the only topic that interests them

Reagan made greed and idiocy fashionable, and that led to self-serving bullshit being the order of the day

[LaurenG]

30. I had a fun experience recently at a lunch meeting

The people around me were just talking up a storm for a good 30 minutes so I just listened. Suddenly one of them looked at me and asked why I was so quiet. I just started laughing. They were so busy talking that they didn't realize there was no opening for me to get a word in edgewise much less try and start a conversation.

I think people have lots to say and don't feel that they are really listened to anymore and they aren't conscious of their need at all.

[Odin2005]

42. That sounds like more of an extrovert thing than a self-centered thing.

A friend of mine's mom is like that, when she gets talking I find it hard, being an introvert who tends to be unassertive in conversation, to find an opening. She doesn't do it because she's selfish, though, she's quite a nice person

[ellenrr]

46. that happened to me too...

I was with two people, one that I know well but hadn't seen in a few years, and one that I know superficially. They were doing most of the talking over about 4 hours and I was listening, it was interesting. Then the guy (one I knew well) said to me, Why are you so quiet?
haha, I thot about telling him exactly what you said - that there had not been an opportunity for me.
But I didn't, didn't want to hurt his feelings, they are really nice people.

I think your last sentence is really true. When I find a person who wants to listen {as well as be heard of course}, that is really precious, and that person becomes a friend.

When I'm with people who don't listen I tend to say little. And listening doesn't mean just that they stop talking, it means they really HEAR.

[Broderick]

33. I would rather listen to someone talk about themselves

than say anything about myself, especially if the woman is attractive or in a business situation. Just sayin. I learned a long time ago that when you do that, they think you are the smartest person in the world and you didn't have to say a thing.

[TK421]

34. I don't know, but l just have to tell you about what I did this week!

okay,like...Saturday I was, like hanging out at the mall and then I just got bored so I said to myself "why don't I go somewhere else"? And you know what? I, like, totally did!! Yeah, that was pretty cool. After that, I grabbed some Taco Bell and just chilled at home. Yeah, that was Saturday..

Now let me tell you about Sunday! Now that was a REAL killer, that day! I figured I would stay home and try to fix that broken...



SHUT THE FUCK UP, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mikeytherat]

35. Another variant - The Story Toppers.

No matter how involved and incredible your story is, theirs is always better.

"One time I got arrested on a false charge, and the jail caught fire. I had to be rescued by helicopter, and then I fell out of the helicopter. Over the zoo. Into a tiger pen. Then I jumped the wall of the tiger pen, only to land in the shark tank."

"Dude, that's nothing! Dig what happened to me..."

mikey_the_rat

[applegrove]

36. I stopped talking about myself for more than a decade when I was a teen. I told stories about other

people but I completely lost my voice on my own life. Not something I recommend to anybody.

[Xipe Totec]

37. That reminds me of someting interesting that happened to me

Kidding....




:hide:

[Whisp]

40. good topic.

I tend to be the 'interviewer' and the exchange is rarely there. I do like to ask people things they have to think about. Exchange is rare, as you say.

[raccoon]

44. Somebody wrote a SF story about this; some kind of virus or something

people would catch and all they'd talk about was themselves. I kid you not.

[kentauros]

49. Get a pocket mirror and hold it up in front of your face.

That way, when (or if) they inevitably ask, you can tell them that if they don't want your input on anything then they might as well just talk to a mirror }(

[bookworm65t]

52. I've learned that narcissicism is contagious!

I can understand how it happens: if you are with a very self-centered person, you are forced to spend extra energy on yourself in order to meet your own needs.

My dad is very narcassistic (sp?), as well as my maternal grandmother. They have made my mother more self centered than she otherwise would have been.

:think:

[lunatica]

55. A good conversation for me is when we talk about other things we mutually want to

talk about. Politics, experiences that involve talking about other countries, other people, mutual interests, etc. I like to know what people think about what going on without them being the main topic. Talking about yourself should only happen when people ask you about yourself. Otherwise find something of mutual interest. Politics if you're in the same party, but not if you're in different parties. Not nowadays anyway.