Need some help in diffusing a possibly volatile situation

[Beer Snob-50]

my wife is pissed.....my oldest son forget the date of her birthday and asked for next week instead of this week for the day off so we can go out to dinner as a family. he does this with everyones birthday. sooooooooooooo whos fault is it? why i didnot give him the correct day to ask for and then follow up with him (he is 21 yo!).

anyways, this was sunday night. it is now wednesday and she is still pissed (talking quietly and only saying what is necessary). is this the only thing she is now pissed about? i don't know.

my question, i am taking the day off tomorrow to spend her birthday with her. should i just try and reiterate that yes, i should have gone further with my son and hope that this is all she is pissed about or jsut ask what she is mad about.

[seabeyond]

1. i dont get why it is a big deal to your wife. personally, i dont care about bdays

and if no one remembers that is fine with me.

i dont get it. and to be pissed at son? i really dont get. and why it extends to you??? :shrug:

i dont need a bday recognized to know i am loved. maybe feeling valued all year long wont make one day so imprtant.

sorry to you all.

hope she gets unmad

[Beer Snob-50]

2. your feeling are mine exactly

but i am concerned that this has now extended to everything else i have done in error over the last 20 something years. (not the first time for that)

[seabeyond]

5. lol

that is the hard thing when you dont care about bdays. others do. and it is really hard trying to remember them, adn doing something, cause you love them, but you really dont care so the whole remembering thing is tough.

and talk

if it is 20 yrs of "error", talk. listen. validate. and move on. my hubby doesnt want to hear it. i need to say it. workin at cross purposes here. a bottle of wine, the bday gift of openness... sit relax. say, looking for win win win. you, me and us.

or dont

and good luck with that.

i dont know, hubby seems to unknownly do the right thing whenever i am bothered, totally without knowledge he is doing it. has made 17 yrs easy for me.

[Phentex]

10. this is me...

HE likes a big fuss for his birthday so he wants to do the same for me. But I just really don't care if it's on the day or the weekend or sometime in the month and I don't really need or want a big fuss. A card from a friend far away is nice but I am never upset if it doesn't happen.

[UTUSN]

14. I was going to scroll through the whole thread, but post #1 said it all for me. n/t

[raccoon]

18. I second that emotion,

"and to be pissed at son? i really dont get. and why it extends to you??? "

Also, son is 21 it's not your job to remind him of his mother's birthday.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. She needs to let him know about her feelings...

And not take it out on you.

He IS an adult.

You do NOT need to do more about your son. That's just silly.

It sounds to me as though your wife puts a lot of meaning into having her birthday recognized. Some people are like that...

Good luck tomorrow...

I hope she has a lovely birthday.

:hi:

[Beer Snob-50]

4. thanks....

taking her to a flea market and lunch....

[elleng]

6. Sounds good to me to reiterate apology, and follow up w: Is anything else wrong?

Best of luck.
:thumbsup:

[LaurenG]

7. Yes you should try to find out why she's mad.

Neither of my kids remember my birthday (which is tomorrow btw) and they are well past 21, well past. Anyway I take total responsibility for that since I never made an issue of my birthday. If I had been a different kind of mother they WOULD remember it. Good luck, and wish her a happy birthday from us.

[Beer Snob-50]

8. happy birthday to you also!

i think i will try and find out, maybe we can get it out of the way tonight and then have a nice day together tomorrow.

[dixiegrrrrl]

9. Calmly walk into the room with a torch, a gun, and a chainsaw

and offer to let her choose which one you will use on the son for his apparent abhorrent and unforgivable crime.

Then ask her to make a list of EVERYTHING she is pissed about,
including WHO is to blame for it
and what punishment they should receive.

While she is doing the list, go off and drink a lot, or toke, or whatever.
You might want to wear a football helmet and cup guard, just in case there is more resentment than normal in this case.

PS: hide the aforementioned items you walked into the room with.

[Beer Snob-50]

22. LOL

we battled in out that evening and then i made everything better the next day by taking her shopping on her birthday and we get to go to my favorite brewery for lunch (smoked salmon wrap with spinach and octoberfest beer YUM)

she gave my son one more salvo about how pissed she was yesterday am and was ok when he got back from work that night. (i think her present helped)

[MichiganVote]

11. If he's the adult you say or thought he was-why are you thinking of doing anything?

Sounds to me like you and your son need to apologize in tandem. Or not-your choice.

And then she needs to accept it and move on. Or not-her choice.

[pacalo]

12. Birthdays are important to your wife & you should respect that.

She regards your son's forgetfulness & your forgetting to remind him as a sign of disregard, perhaps. You're taking the day off tomorrow for her, which is good, then you can make her day special. She'll appreciate the day more if you don't come across as defensive; say you are going to make sure your son writes down the date of his mom's birthday; he's old enough not to have to be reminded.

[rurallib]

13. Probably shouldn't stick my nose in but

sounds to me like a good chance to have an embarrassed laugh on your son.
And he could really surprise her in about 6 months with a a great 'unbirthday' day.
He's 21, apparently not on drugs, is he in college?, is he otherwise good? Missing a birthday doesn't seem to important compared to many, many other things. He could be in Iraq or Afghanistan, missing a leg etc.

[Beer Snob-50]

23. agreed!

i like the idea of the unbirthday...

[Rowdyboy]

15. Give your son some advice...learn your mom's birthday....don't worry about mine...

don't worry about anyone else's-just remember your mom's birthday. How hard is that for a bright kid.

If it matters this much to her then his remembering makes life much easier for everyone

[Bake]

16. Just go ahead and apologize.

Don't you know it's your JOB to make sure and remind all the kids of Mom's birthday?

Yeah, I know ... we're all idiots ...

Bake

[sammytko]

17. Take her out again on the day he requested

I like to celebrate my birthday MONTH! Doesn't have to involve other people. I do something or buy something nice for myself because who else is going to appreciate ME more than ME.

[PassingFair]

19. Your wife is being a B-word.

She sounds like a controlling, self-important snit.

Of course, it this behavior is unusual for her, then
something else is obviously the matter, and you SHOULD
try to find out what's causing her to act like a jerk.

[sammytko]

24. Agree - she is being a TOTAL B- WORD!!

[Dogtown]

20. Classic passive/aggressive.

If you play, you lose. She gets to dominate the situation.

If you don't play, she wins: she's the victim and you're insensitive.

If you call her out, she wins. Same as above.

Learn patience.

[astral]

21. If you want to you can just ask her what's wrong.

If she wants to just tell you what's wrong she can. I don't think you should ask her what's wrong if you don't feel like it. Tell her maybe it is just God's Will (or fate if you don't like that phrase, or "in the stars") that you and she spend her b-day together with EACH OTHER. And the kid can go with you and her next week or he can take HIS special day with her alone, and perhaps learn the importance of not pissing her off in this manner one more time.

I am one of those people who does not bother to write down anyone's birthday, nor call them or send them a card if I happen to know it's their birthday, and I don't particularly want anyone to notice that it's mine. I kind of grew up that way; I got a cake for my birthday til I was almost ten years old, and then, well, maybe a card maybe some cash, maybe nobody would remember and I would forget it too.

Sometimes on my birthday, I decide, I'm going to do whatever I want, and I'm not gonna have to tell anybody what I'm doing, 'cuz it's my birthday! But that's just like a lot of other days, for me.