Why would a man keep his dating profile for all to see?

[Dystopian]

There's this guy...in an 'exclusive' relationship...for a month.
Okay...with me.
We are suppose to be....we

Yet his profile is visible...he still visits the site on occasion.....
I closed mine...but then reopened...I'm certain he's not noted.
This is the weirdest thing...I've made reference to it...he sidesteps.

This is a test.
In the lounge, I trust.


Thank you



peace~

[Dystopian]

1. That sign.

It's the actual photo...
I took it...
It's real....
Where he's at.....

Freaky....I said it was an omen.
There's two of them....

Is it no wonder I'm up now...when I must sleep...be up for work @ 6:00 a.m.....




peace~

[bluesbassman]

2. You deserve better,

and you know it. Give him the bum's rush.

Just my two cents D, but as a man of some years and experience I gotta say that this guy is not a keeper.

[Dystopian]

3. Sweetie....thank you...

bluesbassman:hug:

There are other things I wouldn't even mention...
Life is too complex....
I'm too old for this stuff...
At least I thought I was...

Hope you're still out there jamming ...
:loveya:




peace~

[bluesbassman]

6. You're welcome, and I mean it.

You are one of the sweetest, compassionate, and thoughtful people I know. I wish it was easier for you to connect with someone who would be as good for you as you would be for them.

We've had some health issues with the band, so we've just been trying to get in as much studio time as we can. One of these days we'll have it down and get out to some gigging. Just nice to be able to play with some good musicians at this point. :)

[Dystopian]

8. You lifted my spirits...

Thank you...:hug:

I guess it was obvious...the beginning of demise.
Not okay with being in a mess....thank you for your kind words...

I hope the health issues are minor, no major setbacks .....
Want you and yours to be happy, healthy....
And playing! I'm glad you're with great musicians...
And they're lucky to have you...
I'll keep you and all in my thoughts...

Life's a Long Song...



peace~

[Kali]

21. ^^^THIS^^^

You are one of the sweetest, compassionate, and thoughtful people I know. I wish it was easier for you to connect with someone who would be as good for you as you would be for them.

[BlueJazz]

14. Yep...I second your thoughts.

We've seen this type of crap so many times it's like a worn out song. :)

[undeterred]

4. That's Mr. Keeping My Options Open.

[Dystopian]

5. Wow...

That's who he is...
So odd when one knows....but refuses to see...

undeterred:hug:

Thank you.
Now I know his name.





peace~

[undeterred]

16. I think I met him on match.com once

I recognized his picture as a man I was attracted to at work but barely knew. So I sent him a message. On his profile he was Available and had been logged in within the last 24 hours.

Well he answered me telling me he had been dating someone for a month and things were going pretty well, so no he didn't want to get together with me for a date. But he'd let me know if things didn't work out.

So I figured that meant he was "keeping his options open". I never heard from him. But I did think about how it would feel to be the woman on the other end of that arrangement.

[Xithras]

7. Few men consider a relationship serious after only a few weeks.

You may be exclusive, but he may not yet consider the relationship serious enough to really commit for the long haul. Unless it's one of those "head over heels in love at first sight" kind of relationships, this isn't all that abnormal.

If you want this relationship to last, you should look at this as an opportunity to work on your relationships honesty. Tell him that you noticed, ask him why it's still up, and let him know that you're not comfortable with it. Don't be confrontational, but gauge his response...it will tell you a lot about whether or not he's serious about the relationship.

[Chan790]

9. ^^^This. n/t

[Dystopian]

11. Sage advice...

Thank you:hug:

The thing is...his words. He's seeing only me...I believe him. I would think that if he felt that I was 'worth' a try...he'd disappear his profile for a while...to see where this goes...or ends. I've only known one "love at first sight" in my life...It was mutual...and it lasted for several years...

I'm a mess as I know what's best for me...he's just out of a divorce, I told him he needed more time....and yet he insists on dangling me.
He's rebounding... He's not lived it before, so doesn't realize. I did mention it, and he just said he hardly 'goes there' these days...
It's like we're not supposed to speak about it...
Just go with the flow is what I've been doing...
But there are too many issues...
He says he's serious...but actions speak louder than words.

I feel like fading away....


Thank you for taking the time...I appreciate your thoughts as I can't see outside of myself ....

peace & love to you~

[Chan790]

10. Also, what site?

Because really that matters a whole lot. If it's OKCupid, Zoosk or PlentyOfFish:

1.) He's not forever-relationship-minded...you or anybody else. His idea of exclusive includes a "for-now with this person" caveat. There's nothing wrong with that...that's the target audience for those sites...but if that's not what you're looking for, you're looking in the wrong place.

2.) I'd say it's less of a big deal if it's OKCupid. I never pull mine down or hide mine because I still use it...just not for finding dates, I only change my status to "Available" or Seeing Someone", depending on the terms of our relationship. I still like to frequent the site in those times regardless, to take tests and answer questions for entertainment sake. I have 3000 questions answered...there are usually only 4500 active questions usually at any one time, someday I'd like to hit the "no available questions" wall. The tests are just fun.

If it's Match.com or eHarmony:

1.) Run away now! Not because his profile is still active...but because he's on eHarmony or Match.

[Dystopian]

12. I'm on both..

OKCupid...and it's hidden. I like the questions, also...
I'm only up to about 300:D
I've not been on Match or eHarmony..

Met on POF... What you said...I'm beginning to think it's a cesspool.
I'm seeing a bit of light here..."for now with this person"
How do people go running around thinking for now...when they're half dead...
I mean middle-aged..
I'm certainly old enough to know better...the target audience and all...
I've been on and off of these sights for years...
Depends on if I'm bored or not....

I just learned a new definition for exclusive...

Thank you...



peace~

[Amerigo Vespucci]

13. A guy who leaves his options open and doesn't try to hide that from you...

...is like the frog and the scorpion.

Give that guy a ride across the lake and he's gonna sting you.

If it's been a month, many...maybe "most" guys...will have one eye on you and one eye on the door.

It's not about you. That's just guys.

What I can tell you...based on your comment "I've made reference to it...he sidesteps....", is that MOST guys will get SPOOKED by that.

If you "make reference" to anything in a relationship you've been in for a month, there's a 50-50 chance that you spooked the guy and that he'll stick around as long as he gets what he wants without it being "too complicated," but the long-term prognosis isn't good.

He may be in the one percent club.

He may be the guy that proves me wrong.

Personally, I think you should be with a guy who's swooning over you, not a guy who's "sidestepping" you. Maybe this guy needs to resume "dating.," and you need to be with a decent guy who's looking for a decent woman.

[Dystopian]

24. I hear you....

Thank you, Amerigo..
You're an old soul...:hug:

I had to rethink...and explain all tonight...
Like you...many got it....helped me along...as I limped along the path to nowhere.

I just want to trust so badly...and I do.
Want to see the good in everyone...
Cast out the evil .... deception...
Point the way...
But I have not the power...

Your frog and the scorpion analogy was perfect.
In fact....I think it is as stated...

With much respect, thanks, admiration....



peace~

[alphafemale]

15. A month is way too early to expect a commitment of any kind.

Especially if he's just out of a divorce.

Give him some space to find his footing f'gawds sakes.

If you are going to start acting like any sort of commitment is expected, and are snooping and checking on him this is probably not a match.

[Bunny]

18. I agree.

I would be bothered if a guy I was dating for all of one month started fussing about my profile - it seems a little clingy and controlling to me. Even if I was happy with him and not especially interested in seeing anyone else, I'd see it as a red flag.

[Dystopian]

29. It's vice versa

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=9782533&mesg_id=9783220

Sadly...I initially didn't want to expose him...for what he is...what it is.
And mostly myself...for being what I thought I would never be.
The entire picture is now out there. I should know better at this point in my life...

I've had to let go of clingy and controlling men. I've been there... it's ugly.
He's another one...and it's sad.
I've been ignoring red flags for far too long.
Sadly, I posted without thinking things through...
Didn't finish painting the picture....
There is an ex...We are as three.

I never fussed....just mentioned....I'm done....it's history.
Coming to my senses....

We're never too old to stop learning .... things we should have known long ago.
Is it not strange that emotion trumps fact and reality ....?



peace~

[Bunny]

33. Well, with the extra information, I agree with most everyone else.

It's time for you to move on - you are a kind soul and you deserve far better than this. :hug:

It is strange that emotion trumps facts and reality, isn't it? It does indeed cause pain, but also adds so much to the spice of life, though. What do they call that? The triumph of hope over experience, or something?

[Dystopian]

25. I offered him space...said he needed it...

He's obviously in a rut...and needs to explore and enjoy life...
But not at my expense....

I explained more here:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=9782533&mesg_id=9783220
I'm not snooping.....It is what it is.

I do believe if I had put it all out there...your response would have been different.
I didn't want to appear to be as I am....so left the most pertinent information out.

A month is indeed way too early to expect a commitment .... I agree.
But he continues to pursue and persist ...
When it should be cease and desist.

I missed a great bike ride today....part of my bucket list...along with many other things.
And sadly...I would have gone....
Bike ride to a place I love...a part of my childhood..if work had not sucked the life from me today...
These things are meant to be with another...or not at all.



peace & love~

[Tuesday Afternoon]

26. drop him.like a hot rock.

he is messed up and testing your boundaries. misery loves company. forget him.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

17. my rule:

do not date anyone until they have been divorced for one year. divorced. not just separated. have broken this rule after much begging and pleading from the person. it was a mistake. they were a mess, emotionally...unresolved issues: financial, familial, personal. They need time to put the pieces back together though they don't realize it.

He does not know what he wants and that is why he is telling you one thing and acting another.

I would cut and run. Life is too short.

[Dystopian]

27. Beggars.

This is what they become....sadly.

Tuesday Afternoon:hug:
Thank you for words of wisdom...
Have not encountered this before...yet knew what was happening...
I am the substitute for the moment .... but no longer.

I'll get back to you...;)

peace & love~

[Tuesday Afternoon]

31. take good care of yourself. you are a gem. THE GEM. it will take a rare man

to deserve you. :hug:

[dawg]

19. You've gotten some advice on this thread from some guys who have their act together.

Now here's some from a guy who is a real mess.

I'm in my early forties and have been separated for over a year. I still have lots of emotional baggage - that's why I haven't pulled the trigger on the divorce, but I'm sure it's coming.

If I were to meet a nice woman like you on a dating site, I would be tempted to keep the profile up as well. Having hung all my hopes and trust on one woman, only to have her rip my guts out, I can understand the fear someone feels when easing back into a committed relationship. I'd be hesitant too. The more I liked you, the more fearful I would be.

But if you told me you were unhappy about my profile still being up, I would take it down. The only reason I might still keep it up is if I was hoping to find someone else who was "better".

I'd have a good long talk with him if I were you. If he still won't take the profile down, then move on. Because that certainly wouldn't be the last time he would ignore your feelings.

[Dystopian]

32. dawg...

:hug:

Bittersweet ... from the heart.
I understand the fear... as do you ...
I wish for you only peace of mind ... healing...
And it will come.

I'm much older...always dreamed of everlasting life with one love.
It's rare...as you are living the ultimate trashing of what should be...and what really is...
Many of us can relate....

What you possess ...clarity ...knowing yourself ....truth.. integrity and honor.
I know...
I only know you from your posts ....
But you just exposed who you are in your own words.

Thank you for your time...for me...for others...
Our journeys only end when they should.

You are about to embark on yet another...
No fear...you are as you are...what men should all strive to be...
For you ... Innate.

There will be beautiful times ahead..for you.
I know how to read....and read between the line..


peace & love to you~

[RedCloud]

20. One chance at a hail Mary

Maybe he's too lazy or busy to get stuff done that is not high on the priority such as pulling the info down. That would be the ONLY defense I can think of on his behalf.

I also think other things when you are together are important.

But since YOU said it concerns you and he did not LEAP TO ATTENTION to get rid of that distractor profile indicates he is not that serious about you or your feelings.

So I will say the hail Mary was intercepted by Dystopian! It is a game changer.

[seabeyond]

22. so listening to everything. a month, just divorced. why not tell him hey, friends and have fun

friends with benefit of course, but no commitment. he isnt ready, and you are not going to if he isnt. so detach, and keep it lite and fun. if he wants more, then, rules change

[Dystopian]

23. **Disclaimer?**

Did you ever feel like if you put out too much information that you'd be thought a fool?
That's where my head was with this goofy poll...needed validation, but did not give all the information.
I do believe the profile is the least of my problems.....

So...here I go again.
This man is constantly making reference to his ex. What she is doing, her boyfriends,...His recent 'knowing ahead of time' who she'd be seeing, and where they were going to meet, and his decision not to make an appearance because it 'could have been ugly'.....

How does he know what she's doing? They are still 'friends' on facebook....he follows her tweets about all of her 'boyfriends'....She refers to him as the 'old man'.....He's stalking her online....won't let it go, and I've told him before that he's not ready for an actual relationship.
He says it's not stalking as it's right in front of him. Time to defriend?

He insists that he is only interested in me. He wants to continue...I've broken it off a couple of times knowing that this guy is going through the process of loss....and told him that it's unfair of him to me, and would be unfair to anyone else to presume that there was a relationship when he continues to speak of his ex...He's constantly in foot-in-mouth mode..... Tried to pound it into his head that he's been married for more than half a lifetime and I fully understand that he needs to go through the grieving process...come to acceptance...and just have fun. I told him to carry on....there are other women out there.....
He says he only wants to see me....*sigh* (Hence the profile issue)
I can't do the (new term for me) 'friends with benefits thing....It's got to be real, or no deal.

He insists that he does not stalk her....She's just there on facebook going on with her life...and announcing it to all. I told him I didn't want to hear it....Had no interest in her, or her lifestyle.....He needs to discuss these issues with others who either know her or are interested. I've had it. This is impossible....He needs his mother, sister, friend for his venting. I'm starting to see myself as either a total fool...an obsessive child. I've not posted ever, such intimate details of my life...
Men, anyway.....

I've tried to cut loose twice....only to be 'sweet-talked' to not end this.
We have a verbal understanding that we're seeing no others while attempting to 'see' if we can be.

I'm not stalking him or checking up on him ....we're both on the same site. I can't/wouldn't create a facebook account or a twitter thingy to see what he's doing. I ask nothing of him except to think about what he's saying to me....and why. I've told him many things....He's just a mess. He says he's fine....the marriage was over years ago...wtf? Wonders why I question things....he is so very clueless...

My issue: This is the first man I've been attracted to in a very, very long time.
Why did it have to be him? I'm too old for this drama...I've been free and disencumbered for ages...
If I write more, I'd be dubbed a masochist ...or worse....because there's much more...
Tip of iceberg.

Ain't never gonna post strife of life stuff again....It's all so goofy and senseless.
Need to live my life.....In peace...or alone. Alone is peace enough for me.
I choose to own no one...Just part of the inane and silly poll....

Can someone please edit this for me?
:shrug:

Thank you all for your input...


peace~

[seabeyond]

28. well,

i do hear you. your post is almost a song. poetic

sigh

i feel for both of you.

[Dystopian]

30. Thank you....

seabeyond:hug:

You understand...and placed valued thoughts prior to knowing all...
Words of wisdom and caring...thank you for the taking of your time...
For two lost souls...

I think we'll be be okay...
I know we will...

As we carry on....
each in another direction.



peace & love to you~

[Boojatta]

34. "I've made reference to it...he sidesteps."

Making reference to something is sometimes not enough. If a participant in this thread were to formulate a clear question for you to ask him, would you ask it?

Would you record his answer, and post it in this thread, so that we can evaluate it for ourselves? "Sidestep" is your evaluation of his words, with no way for his words to get through to us.

[Dystopian]

35. ***I must end this....the right way.***

I did not want to kick this thread.
I had to kick the guilt.

This has been all about me.
My turbulance....freaked out.

He's just trying to start out on a new life...
He's bumbling, and has said and done things that shock me.
I initially made it all about the profile when there are deeper issues.
I just happened to be the guinea pig, so to speak.
We are total opposites. I usually meld with kindred spirits.

He's a good man.
He's a good father. He has the children.
There is more than a hanging profile.
He'll find his way....on his own..
So will I...

I'm feeling guilt...I'm trashing someone on a board.
A man who has no malintent ....
And he doesn't understand me any more than I understand him.
We're all trying to survive.

In retrospect, I played the victim....
When I was a part of what not should have been.

I read.
There are those who have far more to deal with than this..
Thank you to all who took the time to reach out....to help guide me...share knowledge and wisdom.
Kindness..

Peace & love to all~

[seabeyond]

36. without kicking your thread

wink, lol

i am glad that you concluded in this manner. that is why i said i feel for BOTH of you. he is only a man, trying to make it thru a tough time, too.

peace

[Bucky]

37. Someone wrote this article just for you "Why it's healthy for couples to stay on OKCupid"

Why it's healthy for couples to stay on OKCupid ==> http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/08/31/online_dating

[Raven]

38. Sweetie, if you're asking this question here I suspect you already

know the answer. Trust your gut. There are better men out there. Life is too short to waste your time on someone who is hedging his bets.

PS: spoken from experience :-)

[Bake]

39. What is this "exclusive relationship" you speak of?

It's been what, a MONTH? Is there HARDWARE involved? As in, jewelry?

You don't own him.

Bake