Dying by Inches: My Star-Specked Liver

[AlienGirl]

Earlier this week, I had another CT with contrast, both gadolinium and IV contrast. This was to determine whether the cancer is in the liver now too, making me a poor candidate for radiation plus chemo, or still confined to the head (and probably lungs) where radiation could be added.

I got to see my liver scan myself. It's a constellation, galaxies of little lit-up points, each one a bomb of malignancy. Radiation is not in the picture. The last ditch is chemotherapy, the names of the agents of which I am just too bone-exhausted and discouraged to try to recall right now.

The doctor believes my death will be kinder this way, a lot of weakening and tiring, without so much of the tongue-protrusion and deformity and stench. The drugs may have a 30% chance of prolonging my lifespan, and a 1% chance at a cure.

Mom and Dad went back north to get the house ready for winter. UncleSepp is my greatest source of strength, along with his parents (who are, almost eerily, like my own parents in every way). Hospice is involved. All is progressing as it should be, except that soon it will be progressing as it should be without me, and I'm having a hard time reconciling myself to that fact.

Tucker

[Liberal_in_LA]

1. ...

:grouphug: :cry:

[elleng]

2. Please know that we think of you often, Tucker.

:grouphug:

[pacalo]

3. Your bravery is so apparent, Tucker.

You're helping yourself to reconcile by writing out your thoughts. I do hope that helps.

:hug:

[JohnnyLib2]

4. Think about you all the time and your amazing use of time right now.

Your words will stay with me, into old age and/or failing health. I keep thinking "bravo, Tucker, bravo."

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

5. I am so glad you have family and hospice to help you. *hugs* I just wish the news had been

better for you. :(

[Aristus]

6. ...

:hug:

[bluesbassman]

7. You are an inspiration Tucker.

I wish you peace and comfort as you continue on this singular journey. :hug:

[struggle4progress]

8. Thanks for the update. Folk have been wondering how you were doing

[snacker]

9. I wonder if you know...

how brave you are,
what an inspiration you are,
and how many DUers care about you and are holding you in our hearts with loving thoughts...

[seabeyond]

10. we are listening to you. and we care.

i am glad to hear that you have so much personal support

[vard28]

11. I know everyone is different

I also have learned that people who have cancer sometimes get tired of being compared to other people who have it because everyone is different. I'm telling you only because one of my best friends is floating in a canoe up a similar river w/out her proverbial paddle. The doctors told her the same thing about the chemo and it truly is making things easier on her. Her breast cancer is back, it's in her liver as well, bones, and probably in her head (waiting to hear about those results this week). She is tired and weaker, but the liver tumors haven't gotten any bigger. It's buying her some quality time to spend with her children and family. She gets a monthly IV treatment and is on all sorts of oral chemo stuff too. It has helped with her quality of life. Yes, she's taking pain meds, but she isn't sick to her stomach. I wish for you quality time. Please know that I think of you every day. :hug:

[Flaxbee]

12. I'm glad you checked in, Tucker.

:hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

13. ...

:hug:

I am glad you get all the support you need.

Thanks for letting us know.

[Bake]

14. It's heart-wrenching, but thank you for sharing.

If we can in any small way make it easier for you, that's what we're here for.

:hug:

Bake

[auntAgonist]

15. ....

:hug: :loveya: :hug:

kesha.

[Bertha Venation]

16. Tucker

I have no words. You are in my thoughts.

[barbtries]

17. best to you Tucker.

from a broken heart. if only i could make you well.

[sinkingfeeling]

18. Tucker, I'm saddened by the news it's in your liver. I was hoping that

you could drive it back again with radiation. You keep hanging in there and keep talking to us. We're here and listening.

[FloridaJudy]

19. I was thinking of you

I'm sorry the news is so bad, but glad to hear hospice is involved. They'll help make the time remaining more comfortable and more meaningful. All I can add is :hug:

[plcdude]

20. check out

this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibtXFG2c42A

[polly7]

21. I'm sorry for the latest news, Tucker.

I don't know you, but I think of your courage every day, and what an inspiration you must be to all those who know and love you, there and here.

:hug:

[progressoid]

22. ...

[Quantess]

23. I'm so sorry to hear it!

[Phentex]

24. It's good to hear from you....

I check for an update every day.

:grouphug:

[grasswire]

25. I realize that giving suggestions may not be useful...

...and you are probably on top of all this, but did you see the thread from yesterday about people's experiences with turmeric, even in late stage throat and neck cancers? No answer required -- just hoping for something for you.

[BlueIris]

26. (((( Tucker )))) I hope I am as calm as you seem when it is my time.

You are a brave lady. FWIW, I'm still "getting" that chemotherapy may buy you some time. Possibly a lot of it. I am not trying to hold out false hope or tell you to ignore doctors' advice or prognosis, but I really think it is not yet time to totally resign yourself. It's your call, of course. We are here for you.

[BlueIris]

27. Double post.

So I will self edit to throw in another (((( Tucker )))).

[blueknight]

28. i wish

there were more i could do for you, i will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers

[dawg]

29. I'm really glad you're keeping us in the loop.

This is the place where I would say something really nice to you, if only I knew what to say. I have very strong feelings every time I read one of your posts, but putting those feelings into words is apparently beyond my abilities.

I wish you the best. :hug:

[rurallib]

30. mrs. Lib and I think of you all the time.

I was thinking of you while donating platelets today.
While I can't help you as much as I would want to, I can offer help for someone who needs it.

[WCGreen]

31. Peggy and I were talking about you yesterday...

All I can say is that as my mom slipped away under a very similar diagnosis, the help of hospice took the pain away and she seemed at peace...

[AllenVanAllen]

32. I wish you much strength and peace

on this road you have to travel. :hug:

[fizzgig]

33. all my love to you

:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

34. Thank you, my dear Tucker, for this update...

As Chris said, we were talking about you yesterday, and hoping to hear from you soon...

Your bravery is enormous, even if it doesn't seem that way to you...

Your calm, bright spirit is showing all of us how to cope with our own impending deaths when that time comes, and for this I thank you...

I'm wondering if you got a chance to read the poem I sent you?

I hope you did, and I hope it helped...

:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

35. ...

:hug:

[hunter]

36. What to say...

:hug: :cry:

[flvegan]

37. Hoping, praying, wishing for 1% with everything I have.

[JanMichael]

38. I am going to miss you

and we have never even met.

Lots of DU love to you.

[applegrove]

39. (((HUGS))). Please post as you can. We think of you often.

[fortyfeetunder]

40. Tucker, I hope you've been made comfortable

I am glad you had hospice (they are wonderful) and I continue to be inspired with your posts. You are a beautiful woman and you are in my thoughts. :hug: :hug:

[Arugula Latte]

41. Tucker ...

:hug: :grouphug:

[laylah]

42. (((((Tucker)))))

Loving thoughts and prayers sent to you. :hug:

[nolabear]

43. Oh, Darlin'. I am so saddened, but so awed by your grace and honesty.

I can't imagine being really reconciled, but I do hope you surround yourself with all that is good and loving.

I don't know if this is wise to say, but I will tell you what hospice workers told me as my father got nearer death. The body and mind will undergo a long process of letting go, of forgetting about life. I don't know what it will belike for you, but I do think the fear will happen now and passage will be easy.

I hope you don't mind me saying that. I care.

[hedgehog]

44. I hope things go easy for you.