The Dixie Date from H-E-double hockey sticks

[burythehatchet]

I don't know if I should laugh or cry...all I know is I want to scream.

A little background - I've lived a very good life and I've enjoyed some great relationships. Currently I'm unattached, and I date when it seems like it would be OK. I'm pretty selective so I don't have a lot of hope that at my age (43) I'll find the person to enjoy the rest of my life with. My second date rate is about 10%. (I know...I know, save the lecture). I'm usually pretty happy just enjoying my children and my work.

Well there is a woman - a beauty queen - who I've seen off and on for about three years. In fact, over that time she's the only one with whom I've had a sexual relationship. Sometimes I don't see her for 6 months but it never bothers me. She comes over for a weekend now and then and we both get what we want.

Well this past weekend she came over and hit me with a bomb - she wants to get married. I asked her "to whom?". She didn't laugh.

Since this is on Friday night, and we have the rest of the weekend to get through, I know its going to be an interesting 48 hours. You see, she is a Christian fundamentalist. Let me paint a picture: Stunning in her physical appearance, never had a day of true difficulty on her life, has been chased by many a men more qualified than me, attendee of Bush fundraisers, dislikes those "black" people (which is odd because I'm sort of brown with aspirations of being considered black), her children (yes the 12 and 10 y.o. girls) have seen The Passion multiple times (it's the greatest film EVER), poor people are just too lazy, rich people deserve everything they have, and on and on and on.

So, you may ask, what the hell is an evilDUer doing with this woman. Short answer, safe sex.

Now the marriage proposal part. (NO I'm not going to marry her). Well let me rephrase that - Now the marriage terms and conditions part. Remember I'm just listening at this point.

1. I will attend church services three times a week
2. I will never speak about any religion with anyone she knows
3. I will never discuss politics that do not support George Bush (cuz he's a believer ya know)
4. I will not seek employment (she's wealthy) when I move to her state.
oh yeah...
5. I will be ready and willing to service her 4 times per week.

I think she left without me what size leash and collar I wear fergodsakes!!

To all the DU ladies who might read this I know its tacky to write all of this. I wouldn't have considered it until the aforementioned conditions were spelled out. I felt that this was the only place I could vent.

Please forgive me. Oh and given the fact that it looks like I won't be having sex for the foreseeable future, please say a prayer for me.

[GOPisEvil]

1. Holy crap! Someone said that to you with a straight face?!

:wow:

Uh, have you ever asked what a fundamentalist Christian woman is doing fornicating? Just a thought...

[burythehatchet]

2. y-y-y-yes

:scared:

[GOPisEvil]

3. I, uh, wow...who knew people like that existed?

A sexless life isn't so bad...at least that's what I keep telling myself. ;-)

[notadmblnd]

59. seems we have the beginnings of a new group here

The celibate DU'ers. I have nothing against cheap meaningless sex there's just not much of a pool out there for us forty somethings that don't have partners because of death, divorce etc

[GOPisEvil]

62. Or us thirty-somethings...

...that don't have the good fortune of a partner (or even a decent FB). ;-)

[notadmblnd]

63. Thirty something would work for me.

seems all the men in their 40's around here are sick.

[radwriter0555]

57. ROFLMAO!!! See what you men will do for SEX????? Proof positive

on how low you will go.

No offense of course.

I'm am just always constantly amazed at what you mens will do to get the nob slobbed. To consort with the enemy no less! With THIS one, the one that took that cake of cakes, no less!

HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH !

:)

[burythehatchet]

4. therein lies the true comedy of the situation

she doesn't think I live a "good" life because I haven't accepted JC as my savior. (still evaluating the proposal). But she can lie and break every commandment on a friday night but its OK because Jesus forgives her.

[jmowreader]

5. Did she really say "service"?

It's not your leash and collar sizes you need to be worried about, BTH, it's your track shoe size.

Run. Fast. Far. Now. OMG.

[burythehatchet]

13. No she actually dropped the F bomb on that one

[nini]

6. WAIT a minute here...

if she's a fundie shouldn't you - being the MAN - have the authority over the relationship?????


hmmmm, not a very good Christian is she?

:evilgrin:

[GOPisEvil]

7. She's a fundamentalist feminist!

Sorta like Log Cabin Republicans! :D

[nini]

10. no - she's a FREAK

Poor guy... I hope he runs for the hills.


:7

[GOPisEvil]

12. True. She is a freak!

I'm guessing she's filled with self-loathing, too.

I'd run for the hills if I were Mr. Hatchet.

[nini]

17. though I've gotta say I like that demanding to be 'serviced' 4 times a wk

LOL

[GOPisEvil]

27. Shoot for the moon - ask for 7!

:D

[nini]

33. well....... I know I can handle that.

... but I think I'd have to go to the local high school to find a guy that could meet my demands

:evilgrin:



btw: UConn is winning :-)

[GOPisEvil]

34. Hey now...

...I've been working on my cardio. ;-)

UConn looks good. I should have picked them. Oh well. Considering I made my picks in about 3 minutes, I did OK. :-) I had UConn in the finals at least.

[nini]

35. I think jogging 10 miles a day should work.

har har.


The main reason I picked UConn was I won with them in 99 or whatever year it was. I know.. dumb reason, but I knew they were one of the top 2 or 3 so just went with what worked before.

However, I see there is one guy ahead of me that also picked Uconn in the DU pool, so if they win I only come in second. But I'll bump you out - hahah kidding! well, maybe I'm not kidding :7

[GOPisEvil]

36. Oh well...I was in first before this weekend.

So, I picked the most games correct overall. That's my story and I am sticking with it. :7

[nini]

37. Well, that's true, it's harder to get the last teams...

than the FIRST ones though. :P

UPS guy just came by and about cried when I told him Uconn was winning. He said he'd win 1500 dollars if Georgia wins. poor guy


on edit: I changed last to first to make some sense :eyes:

[GOPisEvil]

38. Yikes!

What about those guys who lost money because the guy from Duke heaved that last shot at the buzzer on Sat. night? There might some pissed off bettors. This is why I don't bet on college games. Too freaky. I think I can trust race horses more. :P

[nini]

39. or pro boxing

yeah right...

[GOPisEvil]

40. Well, I'm off to watch the game.

Then I gotta get to bed. 6:20am comes early. :boring:

Talk atcha tomorrow! :hi:

[nini]

41. sleep well.

tell me about the early AM :cry:

[YellowRubberDuckie]

9. Exactly.

This chick sounds PSYCHO....RUN RUN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!! I'm sure you're a great guy, and you'll find someone NONPSYCHO. Do what I did. I looked on the internet. Caught me a feller, and we've been together for 4+ years.
Duckie

[VolcanoJen]

8. burythehatchet, it's not even *worth* the sex.

I mean, honestly, how good can sex with a fundie be? And you must hate yourself everytime it's finished... I know I would.

Hold out for a good Dem girl. We're much better in bed, and you won't have a crisis of conscience out of the bed, either... ;-)

[burythehatchet]

15. VolcanoJen I have to agree in principle with what you say

but 6 months is a looooong time. And I forget the self-loathing that usually follows

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

11. Wow dude. RUN NOW!

No sex is worth all that.

[Semi_subversive]

14. Negotiate!!

Tell her 1-3 are out, but you can live with 4 and 5. If she can't accept those terms, ask for a BJ for old time's sake and bid her hasta la bye-bye!

[burythehatchet]

16. would you represent me in these negotiations?

I like how you think - pragmatic - to the point - and looking out for No. 1

:)

[kevinam]

18. fairly impressive...

Wow, let me correct myself, amazing. She has some real control issues. I don't mean to insult crazy people, but that lady sounds crazy. Thinking of it, is she typical of most people or women that vote for Shrub*??? Although the leash and collar thing isn't all bad in some circles. Actually, what you should do is marry her, and then break all of her commandments. She will get so insane with rage, she will demand a divorce. Once that happens you can sue her for palimony, since she forced you to leave your home, your career, plus mental distress. I had to atleast suggest it. :) ...Kevin.

[Fenris]

19. So what part of the Bible says it's okay

To fuck someone without being married to that person?

Null and void. She's about as Xian as W. is.

[burythehatchet]

25. I know it Fenris

Its the reason why I will comtinue to keep this "thing" going as long as possible. In all seriousness, I have learned so much about fundamentalists, some new info but mostly stuff I suspected that has been confirmed.

But I'm finding it VERY interesting to observe her. I won't say any more right now because I don't want to anyone to think I'm mean.

[Ookie]

20. Well, that's the "family values" crowd for ya!

Run! Run faster! Keep going!!!!

[Book Lover]

21. Terms and conditions?

Well, I suppose the one positive thing about this is that she did have the brass balls to spell it all out for you. Seriously, this does not spell a healthy marital relationship.

[Deja Q]

22. I'd try it, to a point... of course, witness the following:

I seem to scare away men(1) in person.

I seem to scare away men(1) online.

I seem to scare away men(2) in person.

I seem to scare away men(2) online.

I seem to get along better with women, it's a great pity I'm gay and unable to give up that much of myself for another person...

Every time I go out to a social event I don't fit in.

Every time I go out to a social event I get harassed by heterosexual men (so mabye I should develop a case of heterophobia?)

--
men(1) = men who contact me, interested in a relationship

men(2) = men who contact me, interested in a quick fling, but it's okay if these guys disappear, I suppose...

(I don't contact men anymore... I get depressed when they don't respond, so why should I waste my time by initiating pointlessness?)

[boobooday]

23. Running a relationship like a business!

Four times per week. Did she specify duration?

Sorry.

Run away! Run away!

http://www.wgoeshome.com

[EstimatedProphet]

24. Nothing personal, but

she sounds disturbed.
Anyone who truly would want to marry someone and live with them in matrimony could not realistically put those kind of boundaries on them. Marriage is a partnership, not an ownership.

On edit: You could do far worse...
Like this

[Donkeyboy75]

58. Yikes!

Mary is scary.

[ButterflyBlood]

26. dump her NOW

seriously. I'd call her up now and say "fuck you, I don't ever want to see you again."

[burythehatchet]

29. I know I'll probably go to hell (as she often reminds me)

but don't you see that this an amazing opportunity. When I cut through her programming and find a person, I see someone who is quick to lecture about morality, and then speechless when I ask her a simple question that is designed to question her assumptions. Its why she wants to be here. She wants to break free but doesn't even know it.

[ButterflyBlood]

28. just a question though

why would a fundie be having premaritial sex?

[burythehatchet]

30. see 29

I take a very sadistic pleasure in participating in actions that betray her proclaimed faith. As I've always believed, the more fundamentalist you are, the more likely you are using your religion as a cover for who you really are.

[BiggJawn]

31. Hell, at least you get Mud for your Turtle.

RW Fundy Fuck-buddies....
Now I HAVE heard everything!

Wish I could find one....throw her ass out at 5AM with a "THERE! And all with NO PILLS! Bet your 'Pioneer' co-workers couldn't do THAT!"

Tell her you'll be more than happy to keep stirring the pot, but to forget the rest of the "Obscene Proposal"....

[burythehatchet]

32. You're a riot Jawn

I will have to use the RWFFB - that's classic

[sangha]

42. It's not tacky to write all of this

In fact, if you don't spill it all, I'm gonna hunt you down and force it out of you! :-)

[burythehatchet]

43. thanks Sangha

I feel better to have shared it. Its very therapeutic.

In the next thread we'll discuss the results of my offering to put her CDs in my car changer, and the madness that ensued.

[sangha]

44. I have a request

PM me. One post, and already I'm hooked.

[rppper]

45. dude....spank her...really...spank her

she's testing you....i can't fathom anyone spouting out conditions like that. next time you bump monkies, swat her on the butt and see what happens...i think she'll dig the disiplinarian overtone to it.....just my .02.......

[put out]

46. Oh, burythehatchet, I feel like I did when as a kid watching

horror movies, "get out Get Out GET OUT!". Go very quickly, be kind (because if you stop to point out her obvious crap, she may become vindictive, and she's wealthy and has means to pursue her whims), but friend, go go go.

Best of luck, and a word to the wise. People like this, and I have no reason to doubt your description , oh dear, feel entitled. They feel that everything good that comes their way is because they have been anointed by the (fill in the blank). They can become very angry when they don't get what they want, because they want it, and (fill in the blank) wants them to have it.

Good luck to you, friend. There are worse things than a dry sexual spell.

Kim

[burythehatchet]

47. Very insightful analysis Kim

a large part of the reason why this is happening is that (according to her) no man has ever not chased her. I'm the only person she's met who could care less. My guess is that all she really wants is for me to chase her, even just a little, and then she can feel good about herself again and move on. It kills her that I don't worship the ground she walks on.

Reminds me the great Outkast song Roses.

[notadmblnd]

60. A good girl who wants to be bad

tell her you will agree to her terms if she agrees to yours make your terms outrageous. Terms like threesomes with your close budds weekly, bj's daily in the car while you drive and masturbating herself frequently for your viewing pleasure.

[burythehatchet]

64. oops, I responded as though you were a guy...my bad

we did the threesome thing with her friend. Then she was pissed because I enjoyed myself. Go figure.

:eyes:

[democratreformed]

48. Sounds like my ex step-mother

But my dad fell for it.

[SarahB]

49. Buy some new porn and run!

Sex isn't as hard to come by as a compatible partner (I know, easily said as a woman). However, don't settle for anything less. There are better women out there for you, dude.

There are a quite a few cute, sane, family-oriented, progressive women out there. :7

[Brewman_Jax]

50. You're a brave man

As a guy who doesn't get the good relationship prize terribly often (that's another story) I can understand not wanting to toss a sure thing. Watching the years tick on doesn't make it any better.

From personal experience I can tell you that a poor relationship is worse than none at all. No negotiations, no compromise isn't much of a relationship. I had one of those, and I drove her away instead of having the guts to just say that this ain't working for me and kick her to the curb.

I agree with the ladies' advice--run far, run fast, run now!

Peace of mind has no price tag. If you don't have that, you don't have jack!


P.S. She already has your collar size!

[burythehatchet]

51. I hear ya

the good thing is she lives out of state (about 4 hours away). So far I've been able to handle it in small doses. It got strange this past weekend though so I'll have to think twice next time.

Love the S&M smilies. Those things are cracking me up.

[BigMcLargehuge]

52. try negotiating like this

I won't tell you to run. If you're bumping uglies on a semi-regular basis then there must be something emotional between you. So, with that in mind....

1. I will attend church services three times a week
Tell her that you pick the church (then use the time to go drinking)

2. I will never speak about any religion with anyone she knows
No problem, don't bring anyone you know to the house.

3. I will never discuss politics that do not support George Bush (cuz he's a believer ya know)
Insist on watching only History International so you can discuss only Hitler's politics. She'll probably never get that you mean Bush.

4. I will not seek employment (she's wealthy) when I move to her state.
Tell her you want a thousand dollar a week allowance. Or, be allowed to get a job for pocket money. If not, use the time she is away earning your allowance to "do your church service" at the local tavern.

5. I will be ready and willing to service her 4 times per week.
Tell her this is no problem at all provided she reciprocates and doesn't limit your "service" to just what she likes. Tell her you are willing to service her a MINIMUM of 4 times a week, and she better be ready to pull out the H.R. Puffnstuff costume and any other scene setting aids you want to keep that minimum interesting.

[burythehatchet]

53. As the anti-Donald Trump might say - YOU"RE HIRED

That's hilarious. And how'd you know about my costume?

[BigMcLargehuge]

54. I could tell by your post that we are both

Krofft-fetishists... (but then, isn't everyone?)

I am serious, she's negotiating high, you have to negotiate low, in the middle there is something approximating mutual happiness.

Don't be Brian trying to buy a beard.


Ten for this? You must be mad...

[supernova]

55. Ha Ha! Best idea yet!

burythehatchet, I've been reading this thread with fascinated horror. This woman sounds like a real head case. :crazy:

What is it your see in her? You must see something since you apparently are.... not repelled by this "offer."

[burythehatchet]

56. Good question

I guess I'm fascinated. I see a person who lives in a world that I would never dream of living in, yet she continues to come back. So deep down I know she wants to be exposed to "our" world, but rails against everything that you and I would stand for.

Its the human contradictions that forever fascinate me. One other poster said it best when he suggested a spanking. While I would not do that (without an invitation and consent) she is intrigued by my refusal to bow to her wishes. I stand strongly for what I believe in and it confounds her.

[KinkyDem]

61. OK, you knew I would have to say SOMETHING ...

set up and scene is the thing to do with this one. Consent can and is implied.

What you need to do is either playfully find something she does that is "naughty", tell her in no uncertain terms that what she did was "naughty" and take it from there. Tell her you think she should punished for her "naughty-ness". Include her in that punishment process. Once she's there, ready for it, you have consent.

She is what I would call a "Brat" or a "Sam" or Smart Assed Masochist. SHe is chalenging your authority and she wants YOU to assert it. By making demands that you cave to she is being willfull and self centered. Correct her on that. Tell her how it is, give her a whack and see if she prefers it. Maybe she needs a little permission to let some of these things go.

Hmmmm ... did I keep that PG-13 or will it get deleted?

BTH, PM if you need some pointers on seting this up a little better. Remeber consent can be implied.