Interview with Trackfan (8 years old) from the summer of 1968.

[trackfan]

John: Trackfan, why don't you want to have this interview?
Trackfan: I don't like to be asked questions.
J: Trackfan, why don't you like to be asked questions?
T: Oh, I don't know; they're stupid.
J: Why do you consider questions stupid?
T: Because you always ask stupid questions.
J: Because I always ask stupid questions, or people in general ask stupid questions?
T: People in general ask stupid questions.
J: What do you consider a not so stupid question?
T: Everything is a stupid question to me.
J: Is that because you have all the answers, Trackfan?
T: No, I don't have any answers.
J: Why are you sitting where I can't see you?
T: I don't know. I guess I like it up here.
J: Trackfan, you are a well known Dodger fan. Would you please tell us why, since the Dodgers are currently the worst team in baseball and have done nothing this season to deserve fans, especially such
devoted fans as you.
T: I like to hear them get wiped out.
J: Do you have any favorite players on the team who you particularly enjoy listening to their atrocities and mistakes?
T: Yes. They're two of the cruddiest players on the team, but they both lead in one department: Gabrielson and Fairley.
J: What department do they lead, and why are they the cruddiest players on the team if they lead a particular department?
T: Gabrielson leads in home runs, and Fairley ribbies (that is R.B.I.s). Fairley is cruddy because he is batting about .215, but most of the season it's about .190 or .170, and Gabrielson
never gets any hits.
J: But he must get some hits Trackfan, after all, he's leading the club in home runs.
T: Well, it's true, but the only time, well...he just doesn't get that many hits any more. He had to go and run into Paul Popovich...dumb left fielder. He should have played right
field right off the bat, but now it's too late.
J: How many home runs does he have, and what was the result of his unfortunate collision with Mr. Popovich?
T: He has 8 home runs, which way back in 1900 would have been second in the league, but it's different now, and he is currently about 90th in the race for
the home run crown. When he ran into Popovich he was out for two weeks, and when he came back he had to swing the bat with his right hand.
Now I can give an answer for something and you supply the question for it.
J: Sure.
T: All right. Ask me what I'll do if the Dodgers lose today.
J: Okay. Trackfan, what will you do if the Dodgers lose today?
T: Well I'm already rooting for Detroit in the World Series. So I'll root for Detroit if the Dodgers lose today.
J: Trackfan, what do you think of Dick "The Scooter" Bass?
T: Nothing to think about.
J: Now, in a more serious vein; Trackfan, what is your favorite color?
T: Black.
J: Any specific reason why black is your favorite color? It is a well known fact that black is not a color, but is, in fact, the total absence of color.
T: Black is my favorite color because black is the color of an 8 ball.
J: Is and 8 ball your favorite object?
T: Not really. It's because my favorite number is 8.
J: I see. And why is your favorite number 8?
T: My favorite number is 8 because I just got it that way. Now 2 is a good number, my second favorite number. Did you know that 8 equals 2 and two is ten because 8 and 2 equal 10 and
8 and 2 equal ten. So you see they have to DO with each other. 2 and 2 isn't 4, and 4 and 4 isn't 8 because 4 is a terrible number and it couldn't have to DO with such good numbers.
Now 40 is a good number because there is a zero on it.
J: Trackfan, what do you think of animals?
T: I like animals.
J: Is that all?
T: Yeah.
J: Trackfan, what are some of your favorite books?
T: Dodgers scorecard, Peanuts, Rams Program, and Trees and Stars; also nature books by Golden.
J: Can I assume by this selection of reading material that you are a sports fan and a lover of nature?
T: I don't particularly like nature, I just read those when I don't have anything to do. I am a sports fan, especially for the Lakers and Rams.
J: Trackfan, you say you are not a lover of nature, but don't you enjoy being outside and playing under the open skies?
T: ummm...not that much.
J: How much?
T: Well, about a quarter of the time.
J: A quarter of what time?
T: About 3 hours of my 12 hour day.
J: Trackfan, what do you think about time?
T: I wish I was 3 or 4 years old. That was some of my best time. I liked 1963, 1964 and 1967.
J: Why these years?
T: 'Cause I liked it then. I was real little. I was Mr. Punk then. I used to go knock on everybody's door and say, "This is Mr. Punk".
J: And who was Mr. Punk?
T: I was Mr. Punk.
J: Don't you think that you are still Mr. Punk, and simply called by a different name?
T: Not as much as I used to be.
J: Okay Trackfan, what do you think of your sister Anne?
T: Nothing to think about.
J: Are you quite sure about that?
T: Yes. I haven't gotten deep in discussion yet.
J: What do you think of your sister Laurie?
T: Can't stand her. She hits me for nothing.
J: But don't you have any other feelings towards her?
T: No.
J: What about your brother Frank, and myself?
T: I think Frank is a good card player. He can mark cards without bending them. I think you're too lazy to go out and play with me.
J: What about mom and dad?
T: Dad's a bad bettor in card playing. Now mom, let's say she gets mad at Laurie, then I ask her for a glass of water and she says "Get it yourself". She's always still mad.
J: Do you think she's mad at you, or still mad at Laurie?
T: Still mad at Laurie; she goes around the house getting mad at what everybody says.
J: Would you say that in general you love the members of your family?
T: Well, let's see; it's a 3-1/2 combination, not including mom and dad in this one. You and Frank get a point each, Anne one and Laurie half.
J: Are these love points?
T: Yes.
J: Now what about mom and dad?
T: One point each.
J: What do you think of the world situation?
T: I don't think of the world situation. Right now I only think of the Azusa fire. I hope it keeps on going.
J: Why do you hope that it keeps on going?
T: I don't hope it keeps on going.
J: Then why did you say that you did?
T: 'Cause I'm not stupid.
J: Trackfan, what do you think of Church? You are a Catholic aren't you?
T: Something you go to every Sunday. Also, it said in the Cub Scout book a funny thing about religion. If the achievements are numbered 1 to 12 like they are numbered, you would supposed to
be starting from 1, but in this case , this achievement - the tenth achievement - would be so easy. The requirement is: practice religious things in your church, home, friend's house, Cub Scout meeting, or
Synagogue. It's such an easy merit badge.
J: Do you take your religion seriously?
T: Yes.
J: Then why are you laughing?
T: I'm laughing because it is stupid to go over to your friend's house to go to church when you can simply go to church on Sundays.
J: Why do you go to church?
T: Because I like to see the color of the missilettes. I take church seriously.
J: Do you believe what the church tells you?
T: Yes.
J: Then you must believe that I live in mortal sin since I don't go to church.
T: Yes.
J: Do I look and act like a mortal sinner?
T: No.
J: Then how can you resolve this apparent contradiction?
T: I can't.
J: Do you think someday that perhaps you will?
T: I don't know.
J: Why do you keep saying "I die" while I ask these questions?
T: I was saying "I dive".
J: Why do you say that?
T: I don't know; it's fun to jump on the bed and say "I dive".
J: It is a well known fact that you're a great fan of the television set. Could you give us some comments and opinions about television.
T: I watch television because I don't like to get up and read and play.
J: Is this your way of telling me that television is the easiest way of entertaining yourself, and involves the least amount of thinking?
T: Yeah.
J: What do you think of Dick "The Scooter" Bass?
T: I think he finds places to run where big men get knocked down. He's one of the last little men in football, as he says on the NFL Action show.
J: Trackfan, why do you always laugh at what you say?
T: I don't know. I just seem to laugh at what I say.
J: Do you think what you say is funny?
T: No.
J: Why do you laugh?
T: It just comes to me.
J: What do you think about school?
T: I can't stand school. The only thing good about it is talking about somebody at lunch time.
J: Don't you like to go to school and learn; or do you think that the school can't teach you anything?
T: The only thing you learn at school is to learn.
J: What would you do if you ran the school?
T: I wouldn't run the school. I'd quit. That's what I'd do.
J: Do you like sunshine?
T: Most of the time I don't; half of the time I don't.
J: Do you like rain?
T: Yes.
J: Do you like Art Bradley?
T: Yes.
J: Who is your favorite person?
T: Hawthorne Babbit, and he's not even a person.
J: Then why is he your favorite person?
T: I like the name Babbit.
J: Do you like the name Trackfan?
T: Half and half.
J: Are you happy as an 8 year old boy?
T: I can't answer that question because it's a terrible question.
J: Why is it a terrible question?
T: Because "I dive".