How have depression / anxiety / other mental illnesses affected your life or the lives of others?

[Locut0s]

I've posted this on here before but the cliff notes on my own life are

• 29 yrs old, living at home with parents still. Just about a shut in.


• Never had a real relationship, still a virgin


• Social anxiety, I'm good in environments where I feel I have control. I simply don't interact in social environments where I feel I don't


• Life long issues with serious depression and anxiety. Been on meds for it.


• Family history of depression and anxiety on both sides of the family. Father had a SERIOUS mental break down in his mid/late 20s.


• Dropped out of university 5 or 6 times due to my depression and anxiety issues.


• In the last 6 years I've been mainly going from sitting at home doing nothing to working retail jobs. I've had 2 retail jobs during this period. A rather long 4 year stint at 7-11 where things were actually fairly good, I was acting manager when I quit. And 1 year working retail at NCIX (a computer hardware retailer). In between I sat at home doing nothing, or worse, drinking.


• When I've managed to hack it I've been good, hardest working empyee at those jobs and A to A+ student at university level math and science courses


• Another plus if I managed to save up about 65k during my time working. Also have a supporting family.

But suffice it to say emotional problems have played a central role in shaping my life and personality. And played a central role in preventing me from sculpting out the life I know is hiding away there, if I only had the tools to get at it.

Anyway I don't want this thread to be about me. I do have something of a rudimentary plan in place to get out of the darkness.

What I want is to hear how emotional problems have shaped the lives of others on here, or the lives of those you care about. Don't get me wrong this isn't some form of tragedy porn, I'm not looking to wallow in the misery of others and I hope others don't as well. I know simply, that reading the stories of others who have faced similar adversity is actually therapeutic in some ways. No one wishes to feel alone in this world, least of all those who may have the most reason to feel alone. Perhaps we can all reach out and and lend something of a virtual helping hand.

What's your story? In brief or in detail.

[zanana1]

1. I can relate.

I haven't suffered as much as you have. First severe depression at 14. (I barely espcaped being committed to the state hospital). The depression let up after about six months and I was supposedly "fine" again, but, as you know, you never feel fine again. Second major depression at 16. Had to change schools, was in and out of school for a year. Mananged to graduate from high school and go on to college. Had a major deprssion again, had to leave school for a semester. Graduated. Have been living with up and downs and on meds ever since. I don't think I have a real problem with social anxiety but many phobias. I once went to a job interview but found that I'd have to take the elevator up to the 12th floor, so I didn't go. I've worked many different types of jobs; haven't been able to settle down to just one. I'm disabled now (heart attack at 38)so I get Social Security. I have to force myself to have a life, though I'm politically active and speak at events. Whodda thunk it?

[Locut0s]

9. This on again, off again recurrence seems to be a hallmark of depression in my experience...

You hit a smooth patch in your life where everything just seems to fit into place and you wonder why everything looked like shit before and then inevitably the demon rears it's ugly head again some years down the road. The cyclic nature of the condition makes it very hard to get over as, over time, it leads to a defeatist attitude. As for your phobias, I have sociophobia, but my father has the same serious claustrophobia you mention. Elevators are a nightmare to him and he avoids them at all costs.

[easttexaslefty]

2. Due to a major traumatic event

4 years ago (( I'm 56 now )) I have major depression, PTSD & anxiety. At this point, working is not possible. Sometimes, getting out of bed is not possible. I'm on meds, and see a therapist. I'm fortunate to have a husband who loves me and is very understanding. Through all this I have learned that mental health issues are every bit as debilitating as any other disease. I remain hopeful ( sometimes) to reclaim some of my old life back.

[Locut0s]

10. I'm very sorry to hear that. Always remember there are those who love and support you. And....

try to steer clear of the ass holes and haters in life. I know from posting online in other forums that people often like nothing better than to kick you when you are down.

[Brickbat]

3. My mother had a depressive episode that didn't affect me much, but then I fell into a moderate

depression in my mid-30s. As near as I can tell, it was simply a chemical imbalance -- I had a good childhood, no trauma, was happily employed, had a loving marriage and a wonderful child. I was almost embarrassed to be depressed because I had nothing to be depressed about -- I was successful without being driven, comfortable without being lazy, and so on. It took me many months of numbness and going through the motions of life to finally realize I wasn't going to snap out of it and went to the doctor. I was worried, though, that we would have to go through all sorts of medication or she would recommend therapy when I didn't feel I needed it.

Fortunately, the drug she picked worked like a charm, and after three weeks I felt like my old self -- not unnaturally happy, but "normal." I tapered off it after two years and have not had a problem since.

I know I'm very lucky in that regard. I've had days where the black dog sort of stops at the end of my driveway and turns his head toward the house, but he hasn't ever come back in and made himself at home, for which I am grateful. It's truly not a feeling you can understand unless you've been there, and anyone who is still struggling with it is in my thoughts. It wasn't just a "blue period" or a bad mood or feeling down. It was an almost physical sensation of the futility of everything, the emptiness of existence, and the nothingness behind the mask. I tried to fill it with exercise, good eating, surrounding myself with comfort and loved ones, religion (I tried everything!), yoga, and so on, but nothing worked.

Because of that, I have no judgments with any way people try to make that terrible feeling (or not-feeling) go away. Whatever gets you through. You're in my thoughts, Locut0s.

[Locut0s]

11. Thank you very much for the support, it means a lot! Also your description of depression...

is bank on. "wasn't just a "blue period" or a bad mood or feeling down. It was an almost physical sensation of the futility of everything, the emptiness of existence, and the nothingness behind the mask" very apt. Thanks.

[rrneck]

4. Fought it for thirty years.

Still fighting it. Probably always will.

It disrupts relationships for me. I can use high IQ to seem charming and outgoing but it's exhausting because it's "all give and no take". Since it's only a performance most of the time people get the wrong impression of me and become disillusioned when they get to know me better. Thus I have very few friends chosen very carefully. You better tough if you want a long term relationship with me because I live life the hard way.

Meds don't work well for me because while they make me a happy worker, it's very difficult to make art while medicated. While my life has been hampered and frequently derailed by depression and ptsd the effort to fight through it and manage it have helped me become a damn fine artist. And depending on rationality and and self awareness to manage chronic depression has helped me a more fair and compassionate person. There's nothing like having a debilitating albeit invisible condition to remind you about the hidden suffering of others.

I have always thought the term depression was a misnomer. It has become synonymous with "feeling low" or "sad". Actually, for me at least, the term attenuation seems more appropriate. You just don't have the energy to feel or do anything at all; and that's what makes you sad. People who commit suicide don't want to die - they just can't live. But suicide isn't as great a danger as most people think although it should always be taken seriously. The real tradgedy to my mind is the number of walking wounded it creates.

[Locut0s]

12. Thanks for the fantastic reply. Interesting I too cherish aspects of what depression...

has given me / made me into. Like you I am a much more compassionate and caring person for it. And while I would never call myself an artist I too have a love of the arts and like to think that I have a good eye for many artistic mediums, from literature to sculpture and photography. Which is interesting as my primary talents are really in the fields of math and science. I'm something of an amateur photographer and have been told by others that I have skill. I don't think I would ever have been able to truly "see" and enjoy art if I had never had by life long black companion.

BTW what type of art do you do?

[rrneck]

16. Trained as a painter.

I work in mixed media to make anxious objects. Heh , I can explain cubism but I don't know what seven time nine is. I envy anybody that can deal with numbers.

Everybody's an artist. If you're human it's in you. Keep taking pictures. A therapist friend is fond of saying that artists are painting their way out of hell. She may be right. Photography is one of the visual arts as well...

[hunter]

5. I was in and out of university for nine years.

I was asked to leave twice.

With the help of a couple of professors who saw past my crazy, I eventually graduated with a solid science degree.

I've never had a "career." This will bite me in the ass when I'm older. Hell, it's biting me in the ass now.

I'm married and we have kids who are in college. My wife has the stable career in our family but we both have serious medical problems that keep us teetering on the edge of financial ruin. Not a month goes by that we are not negotiating medical bills we can't pay. If we'd had any sense we'd have fled when we were young to a civilized nation with a good health care system. Since we've been married our health care costs have always been our greatest annual expense, more than food, shelter, or anything else.

In the U.S.A. one serious accident or preexisting condition can make you uninsurable and slams shut a lot of doors in life. My wife and I have run out COBRA plans and been without health insurance while on waiting lists for state high risk pools. Currently my wife has a high deductible plan through her work. The first part of the year we are paying absurd premiums and medical expenses, the second part of the year we are paying absurd premiums and arguing with the insurance company.

Modern meds do keep me stable. Without them I'm pretty sure I'd be a crazy homeless guy.

[Locut0s]

13. I'm sorry to hear your position. The Canadian system is not perfect but I'm VERY thankful for...

having it! I mentioned in my original post that I've become something of a shut in in my own parents home. But I also mentioned that one of the few things I am proud of having accomplished over the years (one of the very few things) has been saving up the $65k in savings that I have. It's not much in the larger picture but at the very least it gives me some piece of mind to know that I don't have to worry about things like where the money is going to come from to pay for my future educational goals. Even if that doesn't pan out it still gives me some ease of mind to know I have something to fall pack on if the very worst comes to worst. I know I would NOT have been able to save that up if I had to pay any of the ridiculous medical bills you guys are saddled with in the US, I too have been on meds for a long time (though tapering off now). I also have an appointment with a psychiatrist coming up.

Here's some advise. Hold onto those you love and support you dearly, ignore the haters, and do your best to push the financial situation to the periphery(as much as possible anyway). I have few friends, never had a romantic relationship, so I know what loneliness can do to you! Concentrate on those things that you DO have!

[Tom_Foolery]

6. I am proud to say that depression and anxiety have made me the loser that I am today!

I've been in a battle with those two demons for 35 years (I'm 51). Whenever I've found myself succeeding in life, my two demons would whisper in my ear, causing me to screw things up. How can a relatively intelligent person let his emotions get so out of control? I've tried to answer that for years.

[Locut0s]

14. Perhaps the answer is that those who are seen as intelligent often....

owe much of their intelligence to seeing the bigger picture. Often seeing much more of it than they ever want to or have any control over doing so. Live I've said elsewhere here my depression and anxiety has in many ways shaped who I am and along with the bad has also GIVEN me much. I know I would not be 1/2 as compassionate, open minded, artistic, and yes intelligent, if it were not for my depression. Which is not to say that I don't often yearn for the ability to sell it all just to be one of the other dumb fucks out there with nary a care in the world. I don't mean this to sound like I look down on the majority, I do not, I only say it this way for effect.

[raccoon]

22. Sometimes I feel exactly that way too.

" Which is not to say that I don't often yearn for the ability to sell it all just to be one of the other dumb fucks out there with nary a care in the world."

I'm in my 60's, had several depressive episodes in my life. I believe that I was depressed for
most if not all of my childhood and teenage years.

I think my mother had depressive episodes too. She never got medical help for that.

I have been on meds for years and I guess I always will be.

Hang in there. :hi:

[nolabear]

7. Two ways. I've fought the fight and I treat those who do.

One thing that people sometimes don't think about is that mental health professionals have very, very often been down some hard roads themselves and rather than feeling separate from those we treat we do in fact have a great deal of empathy and real appreciation for how bloody STRONG people are who fight this battle every day.

I had a childhood that set me up for some serious issues, and went through a period of time when I had a lot of anxiety and some honking panic attacks. I still fight low level depression when it gets triggered. In opposition to that I've always had a really srong drive to do things so I always find another mountain to scare the hell out of myself with as soon as things quiet down.

Sometimes it's a mountain to get out of the house, but you manage it. Sometimes it's unimaginable that you have myriad amazing qualities in addition to the ones that you struggle with but you do, and they can be your best friend if you pay them great attention and get creative with them (as you the OP just did by posting and inviting posts). I am knocked to my knees every day in awe of the people who battle hell and all every single day and yet have a spark that keeps them going. Personally, I'm a believer in going all in; radical acceptance of who you are and where you are while understanding that the pain is real and no one would wish it on his worst enemy, and leaving any shame that you can (unfortunately it can be a symptom of depresion so you have to argue with it) at the hand you were dealt.

I like Brene Brown's take on things, though my own studies and work are far more involved than what she has to say. It's a damned good start though on learning to reach out and look for what you need. And that said, I know there's no easy way out. But things can get better, even after a long time. I see it happen all the time.

http://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o

[BrendaBrick]

8. Thank you for the Brene Brown link

I had never heard of her before. I also really like what you said:

"Personally, I'm a believer in going all in; radical acceptance of who you are and where you are while understanding that the pain is real and no one would wish it on his worst enemy, and leaving any shame that you can (unfortunately it can be a symptom of depresion so you have to argue with it) at the hand you were dealt."

I think that is an incredibly wise, insightful statement. I also think that shame plays into it...A LOT. It is one thing, I think, to feel bad (because of the depression, anxiety etc...) and quite another to feel bad....ABOUT feeling bad (enter the shame) and it's like a double-whammy!

I found another video with Brene Brown: "Shame & Empathy:" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQiFfA7KfF0&feature=related

It's too bad that the video was cut short.

This is a very courageous thread (and helpful one too!)

On edit: I just found another good video by Brown on Shame: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjFfKkjKdUU&feature=related

I think she really taps into the root of this and so often it is a universal but hardly ever discussed topic

[Locut0s]

15. Again thank you very much for your post, it means a lot. I have not actually had much....

experience dealing with true mental health professionals. I've seen my family doctor who prescribed Paxil for me and I was on that for about 3 years. It DID help for a time but has largely lost it's benefits and I am now off it. There have been a few other short trips to psychiatrists but to be honest I never felt much in the way of compassionate vibes from them so it never went much beyond 2 or 3 cursory appointments. One lady refused to treat me because at the time I was drinking. I understand this from a medical perspective, one can not really help someone who continues to use something like alcohol as a form of continuing self medication. It's like stitching up a wound at one end while the patient continues to aggravate it at the other end. Still it didn't help my situation much at the time and I'm amazed to this day that I managed to stop drinking of my own accord after that. I still drink now but only about a bottle of wine a week and I'm very careful to limit it to just that. The other psychiatrist I saw gave me the immediate impression of a pill pusher first, psychiatrist 2nd. One thing I suppose I'm lucky for is living here in Canada the medical expenses for all this are by default manageable by everyone.

[nolabear]

18. I understand your position. And there are providers who are like that.

It can be hard to decide what you want to do as a mental health provider and what you can do. I know people who are psychiatrists but who want to be with people, to treat them and form the kind of caring relationship that is often in itself very helpful. And I know people who see many mant people for the barest form of medication management, and if they're smart, or lucky, or both, the patient also finds a therapist who cares about the issues at hand. There's no point in seeing someone who isn't really interested in you as a person, not a syndrome, and I'd advocate shopping, funny as that sounds with such a delicate subject.

As to seeing someone who is actively drinking or using, I know people who feel both ways about that as well. Personally I figure that's part of what I can do to help, to address the substance abuse, but it has its dangers for the clinician. We must keep onfidentiality but if we know someone drives drunk or might endanger somoene we are in a dilemma. I won't see anyone who shows up at the office inebriated because it's not helpful to them or me, but then what do they do, drive home with my knowledge? No easy answer. Each person is different, each problem has its own distinct manifestation and when people are in pain it's hard for them to just want h-e-l-p the way a drowning person wants it.

But, you know, people are people, us mental health professionals included.

Hope things go well for you.

[bookworm65t]

17. My story

I am 46 and I have bipolar disorder (mixed episodes and bipolar one) and it has wrecked my life. It has wrecked my relationships with all my siblings.( I have 6)

In hindsight the signs of trouble started when small. I didn't get along with a lot of people no matter how hard I tried. Always out of sync. It didn't help that I would go though periods Eveready of wanting to be alone and trying to avoid human contact. I could only stand shorts periods of time with my brother and sisters before I would be forced to leave. I was formally diagnosed with depression when I entered high school and had to see with a guidance counselor at least one a week. When I was sixteen I I tried to commit suicide and was hospitalized for 3 weeks.

Since then I have battled depression off and on. I have been suicidal several times but only hospitalized once. (It was a bad experience and I will not do it again.)
I didn't have the self-awareness to see that I was also starting to show signs of mania, and that the pattern of mood changes was alarming. I have not been able to hold a good job for very long and I know that I make people uncomfortable around me even though I do try to get along

I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 37. I am on almost 3000 mg of meds every day. I have seen the benefits of my meds and I won't go off them completely, though sometimes I may reduce a dosage. My friends and family think I'm over-medicated because I am often stoned and drowsy. My mind is so wound up at night that I can't sleep without Seroquel.

As for my family, the subject is verboten (at least around me). Nobody will talk about it, and there are times that they prove themselves to be ignorant of mental health issues. I am and I feel alone; I am to them an isolated case. But the more that I learn of bipolar disorder and other mood issues the more that I realize that I am not alone. I am dead certain that my father is bipolar and two of my siblings are as well. Two sisters have volatile temperaments and my mother has been suffering from depression for many years IMHO. Moody people are all over my mom's side of the family, and it's also possible on my dad's as well.

As for my age, it doesn't bother like it bothers my sisters. I feel that I haven't gotten started in the first place, so no Big Chill attitudes here.

Theresa

[Locut0s]

19. Thanks for your reply! It's sad, thought not unusual, to have your family treat you...

as an outcast. I have no doubt at all that other members of your family exhibit emotional problems and refuse to accept them. I am very lucky to have a very supporting family but my extended family is more of a mixed bag. Some would pity and look down on mental illness, others would simply deny it exists. Yet I TOO see it's fingerprints on MANY members of my extended family, luckily my father sees this as well. Unlike you I do find that my age bothers me a great deal. I have always been considered the bright one in my family and there were always quiet unspoken whispers of Locut0s will go on to great things! Now that I'm 29 and everyone else in my family has surpassed me long ago I can't help but feel a failure. I know that FACTUALLY it's not true but knowing it in your heart is something much more difficult at achieve. Add to this the fact that many members of me extended family, luckily not my parents, are extremely success oriented and it makes for a bad combo. I've had cousins try to lend me condescending helping hands "oh you poor thing, let me help you from MY position of great SUCCESS!".

[bookworm65t]

23. no children from me

I do like kids, but I think that I'm glad that I don't have any children. I wouldn't want to pass this down to another generation. On the other hand, I would have there to help them get the help that is out there. I do regret my late diagnosis; it would have saved me a lot of grief if I had been diagnosed earier.

[Locut0s]

20. I suppose my age should not bother me but it does...

I have always been considered the bright one in my family and there were always quiet unspoken whispers of Locut0s will go on to great things! Now that I'm 29 and everyone else in my family of similar age has surpassed me long ago I can't help but feel a failure. And this feeling is not helped by unspoken looks of concern and pity thrown at me from the shadows. I know that FACTUALLY it's not true but knowing it in your heart is something much more difficult at achieve. Add to this the fact that many members of me extended family, luckily not my parents, are extremely success oriented and it makes for a bad combo. I've had cousins try to lend me condescending helping hands "oh you poor thing, let me help you from MY position of great SUCCESS!".

[Celefin]

21. Oh yes, the SUCCESS fallacy

Hi there, and thanks for this thread, I've recognized myself in most of the comments.

I've always admired my dad who is a brilliant academic and has had an impressive international career
despite being told at school that someone with so limited skills should 'stay as far away from physics or chemistry as possible'.
He just retired this year after working the last 15 years as professor in physical chemistry, having laid the groundwork for other people who built on his research to go on an win a Nobel prize.

So, finally, after spending the better part of my adult life trying to get that PhD-position that would enable me to pursue my own academic career (albeit in forestry and agroecology) I succeeded. Only to find out, 1.5 years into the PhD, that this is the last thing I want to do. It's not that I'm bad at my work, quite the contrary, but it eats my soul.
This has brought back in full force the depression (or attenuation, as so aptly described further up the thread) I've been battling for the last 20 years. Last winter I stopped trying to hit deadlines. Not that I don't care, it just seems so pointless. I don't feel anything when i jeopardize my career by not adhering to standards. I've only still got the position because my supervisor knows what depression is and values my contribution to the research group. And I feel bad about letting him down, but not about myself.

I love my field of research. I just can't get myself to work on it. It's gotten to the point that I feel physical discomfort when sitting down in front of my screen and opening the word processor. I hate it. And what I hate even more is the knowledge that I'm really good at it and would be really SUCCESSFUL if only I had any energy whatsoever to do what I'm paid to do.
The result is that I feel a total failure. I've been on meds since spring but although they helped to begin with, after a few months they pushed me into the deepest depression I've so far experienced. Getting off them now and just feeling my usual detached and drained self.

I'm 34, I've got a wonderful wife who supports me and two lovely little girls, I've moved 19 times over the last 12 years for studying and job-hunting, five of them internationally and I've managed to hold on to a few, very special friends. I'm politically active and I feel that I have a much, much better grasp of 'the big picture' than 90% of the people I've ever met. I write. I read. I'm trying to become self-sufficient and have done a lot of private research for that. And I'm certain that my depression has shaped me in a way that I'm able to do these things. Creative, physical work. Research. For myself. With long-term perspectives.
You could say that I'm successful now - but only after giving up the usual definition of success.

Because I'm rubbish at selling myself. I hate competition. I'm introvert, I married the second girlfriend of the two I ever had because it felt like it would be nice to live with her. Actual -love- for her materialized after our second child was born. I'm reveling in it.
I'm going to give up my career and do introvert, physical things. Simple things. Use my intelligence, that feeling for the big picture, that creative energy on stuff for me and my family. Beat that bloody depression at its own game and USE it. Make the demon feel to drained every morning to get out of bed because there is no point in sabotaging someone who is UNSUCCESSFUL, according to modern society's definition. Funny thing is, this approach has started working. I feel better than I ever have for most of my live.

Whew. /ramble

Regards to you and all the best.

[hunter]

29. I've never been able to absorb our society's notions of "success"

Wherever I am in the autistic spectrum (I'm so diagnosed) I'm certain it goes a long way reducing my internal misery. Demons of self-loathing and regret have a very tough time finding space in my head.

Unfortunately, demons of futility find very fertile ground and manifest themselves as major depressive disorder. I often take the hundred thousand year view -- it comforts me to know that I can't really fuck things up on geological time scales, but then I can't change much either. Maybe I shouldn't have studied so much evolutionary biology.

Crazy meds work well for me. Without them I'm depressed, paranoid, and asocial. I drift away from the herd and become a semi-homeless feral person.

If I go off my meds I trust my friends and family will hunt me down and shoot me in the butt with a tranquilizer dart if that's what it takes to drag me back into normal society.

I'm not in a satisfactory place now, I've got to rearrange my mental furniture again somehow, I think mostly because the economy sucks and my wife and I are having other medical issues. But at least I'm not living paranoid in my car in a church parking lot (a place I've been before) so things could be worse.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

24. tremendously, since the age of 17, I have been crippled by the demons.

[mnhtnbb]

25. My husband's professional life of almost 40 years has been

devoted to treatment of mental health problems: he's a psychiatrist/psychoanalyst.

I notice that you say you've been on meds for your depression/anxiety. Have you ever
been in any kind of therapy?

I'm not a professional, but having been married to one for 26 years I'm aware
that the most success in treating depression is with a combination of meds/therapy.

Does your plan 'to get out of the darkness' include therapy?

[Locut0s]

27. Sorry for the late reply. Yes my plan does, however...

I've had a few bad experiences with therapy. The first person I saw struck me more as a pill pusher 1st and therapist 3rd. The 2nd person I saw seemed good but refused to help me at the time because I was drinking (I understnad and accept this decision now). I don't plan on letting this stop me from getting help but it has put a dampener on it. I'm most likely also going to be seeing if I can find some different medication that can help as well. The Paxil that I quit actually did a lot of good for me early on but then slowly lost its effectiveness.

[GreenPartyVoter]

26. Late diagnosis Bipolar 2. Can't drive. Struggled with school and college. Have trouble

working and socializing so am mostly a shut-in. I did get married and have 2 beautiful kids, tho.

I wish I was stronger and could manage my illness better. But it is what it is, I guess, and I do the best I can. :hug:

[blueamy66]

28. I'm screwed up as well.

Anxiety and depression.....don't know exactly when it started...comes and goes....on 3 meds...my guy doesn't understand totally, but deals with me :-)