Velveeta

[jberryhill]

Choose or die

[Chan790]

1. Not cheese.

The FDA says unequivocally that Velveeta is not and cannot be sold as cheese.

Your firm's Velveeta Pasteurized Process Cheese Spread product is misbranded within the meaning of Section 403(g)(1) of the Act in that it purports to be or is represented as a food, namely pasteurized process cheese spread, for which a definition and standard of identity has been prescribed in 21 CFR 133.179, and the product does not conform to the definition and standard. Milk protein concentrate is not listed in 133.179(d) as one of the optional dairy ingredients that may be used in pasteurized process cheese spread.

http://www.fda.gov/ICECI/EnforcementActions/WarningLetters/2002/ucm145363.htm

[jberryhill]

10. But what does it mean to be made "with real cheese!"

Exclamation point optional.

[jberryhill]

14. The label says "prepared cheese product"

So does that imply it is the product of preparing cheese?

How much preparation does cheese normally need?

[Chan790]

19. That's what they call it because the FDA doesn't define what a "prepared cheese product" is.

Some of which contain no dairy even.

Prepared Cheese Product sounds better than Cheese-like Substance, does it not?

[jberryhill]

21. It would strongly suggest cheese was implicated in its preparation, no?

Like that pinch of 150 year old yeast culture used to make sourdough bread at that bakery in San Francisco. Boudin's, I believe.

[Chan790]

24. I dunno...

Is there any butter in the "butter topping" they put on popcorn at the movie theatre? (No.)

That nasty cup of garlic-butter they give you with cheap takeout pizza...also has no butter in it.

[jberryhill]

29. Yes, and there is no actual Froot in Froot Loops,

And Taco Bell now posts a disclaimer on screen whenever they say "seasoned meat".

But whatever may or may not be in butter-flavored topping does not get to the heart of what, if any, relationship may exist between Velveeta and anything properly denominated as "cheese".

[Chan790]

32. It looks like cheese and melts like canned artificial queso dip?

To wit, it is a cheese-like substance. Note that is not saying much...so are nutritional yeast, toe-jam and emulsified vegetable oil colored with annatto.

[trof]

2. In 1950s Alabama we had two kinds of cheese.

At least in my family and many others.
Velveeta and 'rat-trap' cheese.
Rat-trap was a relatively mild block of cheddar.

Velveeta was used in ho-made macaroni and cheese.
Rat-trap was grated or sliced to make cheese toast.
:-)

[Denninmi]

3. Reminds me of the "Happy Fun Ball"

Contains "an unknown, glowing substance which fell to earth" "Happy Fun Ball is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq." "Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball."

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/happy-fun-ball/229058

[Charlemagne]

4. Hahahahha

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/happy-fun-ball/229058/

[Gidney N Cloyd]

5. It's a cheese miracle!

(edited for exclamation point)

Tastes like cheese but lasts longer than a Twinkie while requiring no refrigeration.

[maddezmom]

6. agree and with a can of Rotel it's was a great late night snack

when I was in college. :D

[jberryhill]

8. Is "Rotel" some sort of alcoholic beverage, or a narcotic substance?

[maddezmom]

15. it's 'mater based

and always good after your options above. :D

[jberryhill]

16. Salsa in a can?

Chili without meat or beans?

What is that stuff, and where is it sold?

Do you need a permit or special training?

[Chan790]

67. It's diced tomatoes and jalapenos in a can.

I can cut up and mix my own thankyouverymuch! They don't use enough jalapenos and too many tomatoes.

[LiberalEsto]

71. I thought it was shorthand for Roach Motel.

[jberryhill]

7. I bought it as a hurricane preparedness item...

Since it clearly requires no refrigeration.

Heck, even Lenin's body needs to be kept cool.

[provis99]

9. how about this? Velveeta or Cheez Whiz?

choose or die.

[jberryhill]

13. Cheez Whiz is made from real Cheez isn't it?

[lg59kis]

11. nasty stuff

yuck..

[Turbineguy]

12. Nobody really knows what it is

put if you put some in a bread roll, add another unknown substance that looks like ham, slather it with BBQ sauce and heat it in the oven, you can satisfy the Teenaged palate.

[texanwitch]

17. My Grandparents ate it everyday.

They lived untili 95 and 96.

I don't know if that it good or bad.

I ate, it didn't kill me.

Just add it to some spam for hurricane supplies.

[jberryhill]

18. Yeah, but now that hurricane season is over,

I have this bright yellow and orange box silently challenging me to do something with it.

Defying me not to melt it onto nachos or use it in sandwiches.

I was thinking about having it with some okay patê.

[texanwitch]

22. Go ahead and melt it.

Nachos.

It is sort of made from cheese, whey.

I need to use my box also, holidays are coming.

[jberryhill]

23. Whey?

No, whey?

[texanwitch]

25. I checked.

It is sort of cheese.

Cheese by products.

[jberryhill]

26. Okay, I'm not like the genius of cheese or anything

But what by-products are involved in making cheese?

Is there, or is there not, a chemical compound or ensemble of compounds which is traceable to a cow, goat, sheep or other lactating mammal?

[texanwitch]

30. Here you go.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Velveeta

[jberryhill]

34. That article doesn't seem to adopt a position

But it was invented at a cheese company.

[texanwitch]

36. Close enough.

:rofl:

[jberryhill]

59. Wikipedia says "Its source of milk is cow."

Okay, so if it isn't Kosher on a hamburger, that settles it.

[LiberalEsto]

72. I knew it! Another Swiss plot! nt

[jobycom]

27. Melt it, mix it with cheap salsa...

then spread it on anything you want to dissolve or explode.

[progressoid]

20. I dunno - but damn it melts good.

My daughter has to have this once every week or so.



I'm gonna try this:



Nacho Cheese Dip
Modified form Bon AppétitNacho Cheese Dip

Ingredients

1/2 cup beer
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 jalapeño, minced
1 16-ounce can refried beans
1 10-ounce can Ro-tel
1 16-ounce package Velveeta cheese, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro
Tortilla chips

Directions

Combine beer, cumin, dried oregano, garlic, and jalapeño in heavy medium sauce-pan. Bring to simmer.
Add beans and Ro-tel; stir until heated through.
Add Velveeta cheese; stir until cheese melts and liquifies, about 5-8 minutes. If the dip is too thick, thin with a little beer.
Stir in cilantro. Transfer to bowl. Serve warm with tortilla chips.

Makes about 3 cups.

[jobycom]

28. It's like any other packaged food...

You just don't ask questions like that about it.

[Chan790]

31. That should be one of the rules of Fight Club.

http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/60024527/Tyler+Durden+TylerDurdeninFightClub3.jpg
"You don't ask questions about Velveeta!"

[CatholicEdHead]

33. Not cheese

I have actually been to the only plant in the country that makes it and have seen many parts of its production. I will not bring back any stories so people will be able to eat.

[jberryhill]

35. Okay, but is it made in the vicinity of cows?

I understand you may have restrictions of critical national security importance, but did you notice large numbers of cows within say a radius of 20 miles?

[texanwitch]

37. There is mik involved.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whey


Curds are a dairy product obtained by curdling (coagulating) milk with rennet or an edible acidic substance such as lemon juice or vinegar, and then draining off the liquid portion. The increased acidity causes the milk proteins (casein) to tangle into solid masses, or curds. The remaining liquid, which contains only whey proteins, is the whey. In cow's milk, 80% of the proteins are caseins. Milk that has been left to sour (raw milk alone or pasteurized milk with added lactic acid bacteria or yeast) will also naturally produce curds, and sour milk cheese is produced this way.


For the radio station licensed to North Muskegon, Michigan, United States, see WHEY.

Whey, sweet, fluid







Whey collecting as newly made cheese drains



Nutritional value per 100 g (3.5 oz)



Energy

112 kJ (27 kcal)



Carbohydrates

5.14 g



Fat

0.36 g



Protein

0.846 g



Calcium

47 mg (5%)



Percentages are relative to US recommendations for adults.



Whey or Milk Serum is the liquid remaining after milk has been curdled and strained. It is a by-product of the manufacture of cheese or casein and has several commercial uses. Sweet whey is manufactured during the making of rennet types of hard cheese like cheddar or Swiss cheese. Acid whey (also known as "sour whey") is obtained during the making of acid types of cheese such as cottage cheese.

[Chan790]

41. If you never read the FDA letter I posted above, you should for laughs.

They try really really hard to skirt around the fact that statutorily (as opposed to logically) they cannot determine if Velveeta and Kraft Singles are food because there are standards the FDA uses to define what food is and these products don't meet them.

[jberryhill]

44. Holy shit!

It might not even be food?

It's got "nutritional facts" printed right on the box!

I'm thinking maybe they should print them on Elmer's glue.

[Chan790]

51. You realize their argument is absurd of-course.

They're saying it can't be cheese because cheese doesn't contain "powdered milk protein" and thus they don't know what kind of food to consider it so it may not be food. Let's get away from the Velveeta for a second.

I have an apple.
I dust that apple with Powdered Milk Protein.
By the FDA's logic, my milk-dusted apple is no longer an apple.
They can't figure out what kind of food it is.
______________
Thus it's not food.

I think the shorter and correct path might be:
Are Apples food? (Yes,)
Is Milk Powder food? (Yes.)
Is the combination toxic? (No)
Is the combination edible? (Yes.)
_______________
It's probably still food.

[jberryhill]

53. What's in the red wax on Gouda?

Is that part of the cheese too?

Or, better, what is the crust of Brie?

[Chan790]

57. I dunno, man! n/t

[TreasonousBastard]

69. The crust of Brie is a mold. The red wax is red wax.

[jberryhill]

79. Okay, but is Brie crust "cheese"?

[TreasonousBastard]

81. Not by itself, but it's what makes Brie a cheese...

scrape off the mold and you have French Velveeta.

[jberryhill]

85. French Velveeta... Now that explains a lot

Why is this cow laughing?

[trof]

74. I dunno either, but you can make a great clown nose with it.

[sakabatou]

38. Processed cheese

[Manifestor_of_Light]

39. It's a cooking abomination. I refuse to use it.

Also cooking abominations: Cool Whip and that fake cottonseed oil soft-serv ice cream that is not ice cream.

If you have to hide your dessert under fake whipped cream, you got problems.

[jberryhill]

45. My wife won't touch it

I mean, hey, the next time there is a hurricane warning, I'm sending her out to get stuff.

[flvegan]

40. I don't see the "Garbage" option.

"Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product" which the FDA cares little about.

[TreasonousBastard]

42. Of course it's cheese, as much as ricotta, farmer's cheese, cream cheese...

brie, and cottage cheese are cheeses.

Cheese is simply some sort of milky stuff with enzymes added to curdle it. Then the curds are separated from the whey to be cured and aged in various ways. Look at the Velveeta ingredients and say what's not cheesy.

The only difference with Velveeta is that they found a way to reincorporate the whey with the curds and then solidify it.

And once again I ask those of you who turn your noses up at this-- what sort of shit do YOU eat that we can make fun of?

[Chan790]

43. Huitlacoche?

It's corn smut. Feel free to mock it...it smells bad and it screams and squeaks when you cook it. It's also a Native Mexican word for raven shit.

[TreasonousBastard]

48. OK, that' bad. Even if you call it Mexican Truffle. But, that's not the sort of...

thing I mock. Like Surstromming, Lutefisk, Xinchin, and other local delights, it's all a matter of taste and (undoubtedly dreadful) upbringing.

No, I'm aiming at those who won't eat a Big Mac, but will gladly wolf down the fries.

[jberryhill]

50. Are Pringles potato chips?

[Chan790]

52. I dunno, ask the FDA. n/t

[TreasonousBastard]

55. Aha! Pringles! That's the sort of abomination I'm getting at.

[jberryhill]

61. They're not bad with Miracle Whip /nt

[LiberalEsto]

73. How about verivorst?

Estonian blood sausage, made with pig blood and barley in pig intestines. Fried and served up as a Christmas Eve treat.

[jberryhill]

46. Scrapple? Haggis?

[TreasonousBastard]

54. Haggis I can take, but scrapple only if it doesn't have that long white line in it...

but, again, these are traditional specialties, as are really ripe goat cheeses.

(If you've never had a really ripe goat cheese, you are in for a treat far better than Liederkranz and onions.)

[jberryhill]

56. Are they semi-solid?

[TreasonousBastard]

63. Some are.

[jberryhill]

64. I'll have to look for that

I was in a shop in Geneva once with the most spectacular prices on artisanal cheese, and didn't see runny goat cheese. I'll look for that in the future.

[Major Nikon]

47. Real cheese doesn't have plasticizers as additives

So real cheese is no so much about what's in it, but what's NOT in it.

When they start adding latex and dog knows what else, all bets are off.

For the record, I like mine melted with a can of original Ro-tel and a big bag of tortilla chips.

[TreasonousBastard]

49. Where's the plasticiser?

[Major Nikon]

58. The interwebs tell all about it

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Velveeta

[TreasonousBastard]

62. That's funny, but hardly true...

Here is the ingredient list on the package: MILK, WATER, MILKFAT, WHEY, WHEY PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, SODIUM PHOSPHATE, MILK PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, ALGINATE, SODIUM CITRATE, APOCAROTENAL (COLOR), ANNATTO (COLOR), ENZYMES, CHEESE CULTURE.

[jberryhill]

65. Enzymes and cheese culture

Sounds like cheese. Hmmm...

[Major Nikon]

66. You do realize that one of the main ingredients is used to make Styrofoam, yes?

http://www.dhmo.org/

[TreasonousBastard]

68. OHMIGOD! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

[Chan790]

80. I'm more concerned with environmental pollution.

I hear that every time it rains, the ground is saturated with dihydrogen monoxide that has been trapped in the clouds. Over 70% of the planet has already been contaminated by dihydrogen monoxide.

[LiberalEsto]

75. WTF is ALGINATE?

Is it made from algae? Like red tide, for example?

[jberryhill]

76. He was ruler of one of the Goth tribes, I think

[LiberalEsto]

77. now you've done it

I have a cracked rib and I should have known better than to get mixed up in a thread like this one.

ha ha ha ha --- OW! OW! OW!

and whoever posted that Uncyclopedia link should know what that did to my aching chest....

[Major Nikon]

82. I think I saw that dude down at the mall!

Yeah, that's the guy.

[slay]

60. It's a cheese-like, cheese based, cheesy substance...

that may or may not contain cheese. :evilgrin:

[TuxedoKat]

70. I've never looked at the ingredients that closely

I usually only buy it once or twice a year because it makes a great broccoli casserole for the holidays. For me it's still close enough to real cheese to be edible but not cheese in a jar or a spray can like Cheeze Wiz which I wouldn't buy.

[HopeHoops]

78. Everything, including cats and SPAM is a manifestation of the underlying Velveeta.

[TreasonousBastard]

83. Wait a minute! We are talking about Velveeta the cheese, Right?

[jberryhill]

84. Nothing simulated there, eh?

[petronius]

86. I used to mock it, but then we move to Louisiana and discovered

Spinach Madeleine, which is to die for, and so now I'm of the opinion that even the oddest-looking processed (somehow) not-cheese not-food substance has its place...

:9

[bigwillq]

87. I don't consider it to be real cheese

I think it's nasty.

[texanwitch]

88. This should explain velveeta.

http://www.squidoo.com/velveetainfo

[leeroysphitz]

89. The cheese that cannot die. n/t

[applegrove]

90. Cut velvvetta into small cubes, mix with chopped black olives and chopped green onions, mayonaise,

curry powder. Spread on an english muffin half, bake in the oven for 10 minutes. Yummy.

[Brother Buzz]

91. Herb Caen called Chico the city where you find Velveeta in the gourmet cheese section

Aaron Rodgers, head Cheesehead for the Green Bay Packers is from Chico, California. Coincidence? I think not.

[cherokeeprogressive]

92. Excellent trout bait.

[GoneOffShore]

93. But only if you make the trout spit it up before you cook them.

Velveeta masquerades as cheese.

[cherokeeprogressive]

94. I don't eat trout guts so it's no matter to me... but Velveeta also brings out the food snobs.

[texanwitch]

95. I have unwrapped my hurricane supply Velveeta and had a few slices.

Not bad, tomorrow grilled cheese.

Childhood memories.

My Grandmother always had at least two packages of Velveeta at all times.

Mac and cheese with home smoked ham, so good.

[cherokeeprogressive]

96. Your Grandma must have known mine. Grilled Cheese Magic.

As far as the Mac & Cheese thing goes though: If it doesn't come from a box that says Kraft, I don't want it LOL. You just get kind of conditioned to certain things.

And don't even get me started on Spam. Yum.

[texanwitch]

97. I like Spam.

Always have a few cans around.

I do like bbq spam, spam and eggs.

Spam and beans.

Just have to work with it.

[GoneOffShore]

98. It's not snobbery - It's about eating something that is almost

but not quite, in any meaningful way, food.