Back to reality...

[jme0318]

Tobin S and I got back from our honeymoon yesterday - only to find that my mother and aunt had made some changes to our house. My aunt was staying here while we were gone and watching our dog..

My mom made new curtains for our room and they moved the furniture around. While I know that they meant well - I am finding that I am angry about the whole situation. I know that Toby has told you that I have hoarding tendencies and that I don't deal too well with change.

We can't find anything - I have a ton of clothes - which were in a pile and I wasn't using them. My mom took those clothes to her house to wash - but in the process - clothes that I do wear got put in that pile. Some of Toby's stuff included. I have to keep calling my mom to ask if she knows where things are at. Toby posted something a while back about cleaning our back room - we can't walk in it now. They put everything in that room!!!! I am just so aggravated right now - I can't go to sleep.

Like a coward - I sent my mom and dad an email telling them not to do it again. Now I'm worried they will be mad at me! I know they meant well - and they were trying to do something nice for us - they wanted the house to have more of a masculine touch to make Toby feel like it is his house too. We have lived together since January - I hope he does feel like it is his house too - I told them - in my cowardly email - that it was our home and we would make it our own and to please not do anything like that again. I don't want to make them mad or hurt their feelings - but they made me mad and hurt my feelings. My aunt said she hoped I didn't feel violated - that they just wanted us to start fresh when we got home from our honeymoon.

We are starting fresh alright - we don't know where anything is!!!! Not to mention trying not to break our necks walking around in the dark in our newly re-decorated room! I am trying to find something humorous in this....

[elleng]

1. So sorry, Jen!

I remember returning home from not sure where, summer camp or something, and furniture in my room was rearranged and PAINTED! HATED IT, and angry MY things had been re-done by others, so I empathize. I suspect my disatisfaction showed on my face.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. Of course, you're angry!

Your space was violated. They had NO business doing this, and I think you did very well telling them not to do it again.

I don't think you were cowardly either. An email is a good way to compose a message.

I hope that you can quickly put things right and get on with your lives...

Maybe you might want to take back the house key you gave them...Just a passing thought.

I'm so sorry, Jen...

:hug:

[MiddleFingerMom]

3. Sorry that happened to you, Jen -- it sounds like you've done the right thing & taken control again.

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Now do your best to leave it behind you -- forgive and start fresh
without holding a grudge.
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You, and everyone involved -- Tobin and your relatives -- but
especially YOU... will be much happier. Move on to the NEXT
part of your life.
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And perhaps this will help.
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Your "overcrowding" could be worse.
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Much, MUCH worse.
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[jme0318]

4. Well....

My actions have made my aunt leave our house - and made my parents not want to be around me or talk to me.

I'm an only child - and am very close to my parents - especially my dad. To have him say he wouldn't be coming to our house any time soon and to say he was disappointed in me - about killed me... especially not much more than a week after I got married...

[CaliforniaPeggy]

5. I am sorry to hear that.

But I think it won't last...

They are not seeing you as the adult you are, and this transition is tough for them.

I still think you did the right thing.

Stay strong, and make your life with Tobin...

I think they'll be back, I really do.

:hug:

[jme0318]

7. Thank you

I don't think I have ever been this upset in my life.y aunt left us a note saying not to call her and that she wouldn't be calling us either.

[pacalo]

13. I bet they are just crazy about you, being their only child.

They'll get over it. And don't give up on them; call them & just be sweet in a way that will let them know you've put it behind you. If they persist in showing you how hurt they are, tell them sweetly that you were hurt, too, but sorry, you'll talk again later, goodbye.

(Lord, what a mess that must be for you! They meant well, though, & their labor of love reflected how highly they think of Tobin.)


But just in case you really need it, here are some blessings all the way from Italy...

[RebelOne]

6. Well, just remember the old saying: This, too, shall pass. n/t

[suninvited]

8. I hope you had fun on your honeymoon.

While I know you are angry and feel like your space was violated, I am sure they thought they were helping and in a way giving you a gift by doing what they did.

If they had spent a lot of time and effort doing something like, say making you a lamp, and it was a gift from the heart and they were pleased, but you hated it would you have done the same thing? Would you have said, please don't make me anymore lamps, that thing is butt ugly?

You would have probably kept it in a back room and brought it out whenever you knew they were coming, like many people do with ugly or unwanted gifts.

Even though you did not like the gift, I believe it was meant to be a gift and nobody was trying to hurt you or make you angry.

Sometimes you have to look more at intentions than the effect before acting upon your need to let people know how you feel. Were they trying to hurt you? Were they trying to make you angry?

There may be nobody else here that agrees with me, but I have dealt with a similar situation and decided that my anger and hurt were MY problem and nobody intended to do that to me, they were trying to do the opposite and I did not confront the people involved or ever tell them how I felt and fear that had I done so our relationships may have been severely damaged.

Give them a little time, call and try to make amends.

[MiddleFingerMom]

9. This is good advice, Jen.

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After thinking about it and from the way you described them and what they
did. it doesn't SOUND like they meant to be mean... maybe just thoughtless.
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And in your disappointment (and anger), you may have made them feel like
YOU felt that they were being mean.
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It's the type of gift that WOULD seem like (to me) the givers would want
to involve the receiver -- either for permission or compromising guidance
or even physical cooperation. At the same time, your words and anger MAY
very well have made them feel unfairly accused because chances that while
you were almost certainly justified in feeling irritated and inconvenienced --
you may have been unjustified IF you made them feel disrepectful or abusive.
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It sounds like they had VERY good intentions -- they just did it badly.
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I agree with forgiveness and proactively working towards regaining a
relationship now. Mistakes (ESPECIALLY presumptions) may have been made on
both "sides" in this.
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:hug:
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[Kali]

10. it will be alright

you will probably have to make the first/next move (I recommend e-mail;-) _

sorry I overreacted to your thoughtful project of all that housework. I have always needed to have my stuff in certain ways and I am working on that slowly at my own pace. I became disoriented and anxious at the new arrangements. I am sorry I got mad at you, I love you and want you in our lives blah blah blah...

[trof]

11. I have a "ton of clothes - which were in a pile and I wasn't using them"?

So...you weren't wearing them 'at the moment'?
Or they're just clothes you no longer wear?
:shrug:

That's what Goodwill is for, if you no longer wear them.
Guess I'd like a little clarification here.

Sounds like there may be other 'issues'.
Sorry your space was invaded.
Sounds like it was well intentioned though.

[jme0318]

Apparently, my mom made that decision for me...

My aunt said that my mom took some of the clothes to goodwill - and I noticed my aunt wearing some of them and some in a pile that she took home with her.

I have intended to go through those clothes and give them away. Hopefully they will be put to good use now.

[jme0318]

14. Dup - sorry

My aunt said that my mom took some of the clothes to goodwill - and I noticed my aunt wearing some of them and some in a pile that she took home with her.

I have intended to go through those clothes and give them away. Hopefully they will be put to good use now.

[Tobin S.]

12. My take on this

Jen's parents and aunt are being too harsh. The punishment certainly does not fit the crime. The first thing I said to Jen when she showed me her e-mail to her folks was that I thought she handled it well. She told them how she really felt and it was done in a mature way. There was no cussing or threatening. She was just very angry. Her folks had crossed the line. What makes it worse is that there is an element of hypocrisy involving the way her folks live. Jen seems to have inherited her hoarder tendencies from her mom. Her mom is so embarrassed about it that I have never set foot inside their house even though they only live about a mile away and I've known them for a year. She doesn't want me to.

The perception of Jen's folks and her aunt seems to be that it's all Jen's fault and they've done nothing wrong, when in reality there's plenty of blame to go around- some on my part as well. Jen's aunt left us her own nastygram telling us she doesn't want to talk to us again. Yeah, really.