Seeing gay couples on the street, a question ...

[KinkyDem]

Sometimes when I'm out on my own or with my wife I see young gay couples on the street or on the Metro and all I can think is "Damn, aren't they cute." and I want to go say so. I want to be able to reach out to them and let them know that they are beautiful and that there are those of us who respect and encourage their love.

But I don't.

I fear in so many ways that I'm going to intrude. To make a spectacle of them, at least maybe in their eyes or in the eyes of bigots on the train etc. I can't say I would do the same with a straight couple, but then straight couples in this country don't need that sort of encouragment from outside, it's already everywhere, telling them they're OK.

So here's my question. Would gay couples be offended or even simply annoyed if a straight couple, strangers to them, came up to them and said that they are beautiful? Offered a word of encouragement for their bravery in being out in such a hostile world? And walking away

[DarkPhenyx]

1. Let me spin it this way.

Would you go up to a straight couple and say "gee, ya'll are cute together"?

[MissMillie]

3. I've done that

not often, but I have done it.

[DarkPhenyx]

11. It isn't something I'd consider doing.

That's just me though. Since I wouldn't do it to a straight couple, why would I want to do it to a homosexual couple? The other end of it would be who cares if they are cute together. For me homosexual couples aren't a big deal. No more or less so than straight couples. In that sense they kinda fade into the background like every other normal thing around me. Personally? I think they would prefer that everyone think like that. that they are normal enough to not be worth the comment. :shrug: I could be wrong though.

[KinkyDem]

5. I have

but not often.

Did you read the post?

[DarkPhenyx]

7. Yes I read the post.

Why do you ask?

[KinkyDem]

12. because your comment makes little sense.

From the original post:

"I can't say I would do the same with a straight couple, but then straight couples in this country don't need that sort of encouragment from outside, it's already everywhere, telling them they're OK."

So, if YOU were out with your SO (same sex or not), would YOU be offended if someone came up to YOU, said you two make a beautiful couple and walked away?

I've had people say this to my wife and I and I've not been offended. When they ask if we're brother and sister I get a little squicked but not for a compliment.

[DarkPhenyx]

14. I personally don't give a rats ass if they think we look cute together.

As to my question...are you saying they look cute together because they are homosexual or because they actually look cute together? If it is because they are homosexual then my opinion is that you shouldn't say anything. If you want to be honestly supportive then tell them you admire their courage, or better still just smile and treat them like it's no big deal. The sooner we begin treating it as a normal thing the sooner it will be a normal thing.

[KinkyDem]

17. DP, are you aware of how angry your coming off here?

Look, I'm not nescasarily talking about physical attractiveness here. I'm talking about "that look tm" that couples get, especialy when young or in new realtionships that scream sexual tension and new found passion and I personaly find that a very appealing look for anyone.

The point I'm trying to figure out here is what is or is not a way to OVERTLY show my support and encouragment to these couples with out offending them, without intruding on them, without causing them undue attention.

Case in point. Coming home Saturday night we saw a young (college aged) deaf gay couple heading out to the bars. Yes, these boys were cute as all hell. Short hair, pink tee's. Fit. Smiling like new lovers and having a fine time. They were flirting and making eyes at each other. I know enough ASL to know they having a pretty raunchy conversation.

I did. I wanted to go over and sign what I could to them that they are beautiful and to wish them a fine night, to offer some social validation to them that they are accepted and appreciated.

I know that I can convey much with a smile and have. I wish there was a more overt way to show support, both socialy and emotionaly to a pair of young lovers that are facing a long hard road.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

18. you should have told them :)

[KinkyDem]

20. I should have and I regret not doing it

I know that I can sign enough to tell them that they (plural) are beautiful. Not sure I know enough to tell them much more though. But then, I probably wouldn't have had much else to say.

[DarkPhenyx]

31. And my point is...

If you would do it with a straight couple then yes, by all means tell them. If you wouldn't and doing so with a homosexual couple would constitute "treating them differently" then don't. The best validation youcan give them is to treat them like everyone else. Treat them "normally". If someone else is hassleing them that is the time to step in and be actively, personally, supportive. The rest of the time, if you really want to be supportive, get active. Participate locally and work toward establishing taht tiem when they really are normal enough to fade into the woodwork "just like everyone else".

Angry? Interesting. I also usually get called homophobic in these threads. I've also been racist, sexist *keeps counting them off on his fingers* :shrug: All them couldn't be farther from the truth of course.

[KinkyDem]

32. DP

I know all too well where your coming from. I've seen it all to much.

I suppose the over reaching quesion here is perhaps, "How can we, as straight people, show solidarity with homosexuals in a day to day overt fashion?". How can we reach out, on the street, on the bus to others so that they know there are those of us who support them and appreciate their courage in being out.

As far as being supportive and active: my wife is Bi, I have been active to some degree in LGBT at two different colleges, I attend pride marches, I have been a bouncer at gay events at college, I have backed skin heads off of subway trains for hassling homosexuals, I have been beaten to the ground by a gang of rednecks hell bent on hurting my frinds, I have sat and listened as friends cry over their families and their friends, I have watched my friends die of AIDS and suicide.

So don't talk to ME about active and supportive in the community. I'm not talking about in the "Community", I'm not talking about orginizations and groups. I'm talking about random, face to face positive reinforcement and validation of others lives and loves, specificaly where it applies to homosexuals on the street and in public.

Did you see the thread about "gentle men"? Yeah, I get all mushy over a young couple in love and I'll tare your fucking lungs out for hassling them on the street.

[DarkPhenyx]

34. Then treat them like you do everyone else.

You most likely don't "reach out" to the average kid wearing too many chains and with 40 piercing and offer support. Nor do you probably feel the need to reach out to the bi-racial couple and offer them support for being brave enough to be "out".

Why do we want to continue to hold them out as special and different? It is absolutely counterintuitive to me that, w/o any need to do otherwise, we constantly want to keep them in the spotlight. If the goal of the civil rights movement is to have everyone treat equally and evenly, then how is that accomplished by making them seem different and special?

[KinkyDem]

36. kid wearing too many chains and with 40 piercing

Dude, you don't me very well!

Yeah, I admit it, I get all mushy over punks in love! They however do not face the same perils that their gay friends face and I don't see that they need the same sort of overt acceptance that some of their friends may need.

Maybe, instead of treating everyone the same and keeping our mouths shut maybe we should work on simply being nicer to people in general.

[DarkPhenyx]

40. And you don't know me at all.

You might talk to the punks sometime. Many of us are just as insecure and scared as the rest of the world. A lot of it comes with being young and eventually we grow out of it.

"treat everyone the same" "be nicer to everyone in general"? Shit, I thought that was what I was saying. However being nicer to everyone requires a shift in personality. I'd settle for an asshole like me treating everyone with an equal level of contempt or disdain.

Now, please be kind enough to point out where I said "keep your mouth shut". Thank you.

[KinkyDem]

41. Hey DP

It's been fun.

I think that for the most part we agree.

I feel like I'm running around in circles with you though.

Maybe you can't relate to my centimentality. Maybe I'm missing something in your posts. Whatever it is I think that we agree.

I'm gonna drop this now, cause there are better things to discuss than picking nits over how to go about being kind to our nieghbors.

Oh, and I never said you said for anyone to shut their mouths.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

35. kinky we love and appreciate your support

and for most of us we would be ok with the compliments too...i think you of all people can compliment people without being patronizing or condescending

[La Lioness Priyanka]

9. as part of a gay couple

absolutely you can say we look adorable together...many people do,..and we like it ...

[Maat]

2. I hope not. I think that there has got to be a way we 'straights'

can be supportive, show our support -- and not offend.

[drumwolf]

4. I'm not gay, so I can't really say, but if I were to speculate...

...I'd say it depends on the particular location.

My guess would be that they'd be much more likely to be offended in a city where being gay is taken for granted (like San Francisco), perhaps less likely to take offense in an area where being publicly out takes more nerve (suburban areas in the Midwest or the South).

Any gays reading this, please confirm or contradict this.

Oh, and BTW, I've seen individuals (who may or may not have been gay) come up to straight couples and say "you two are beautiful together." It actually happened to me on one date I was on.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

6. kinky you had better say my girl and i are cute!

[KinkyDem]

8. What can I say LP

If I saw you two on the street I'd be too busy drooling and picking my jaw up off the floor.

She's a doll though ... and so are you!

So, would YOU be offended if while out, some stranger walked up to you, said the two of you are beautiful as a couple and walked away?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

10. no of course i would not

did you see her pic?

[KinkyDem]

13. Huh ... what?

I'm sorry, I was looking at this pick of these two women in this other thread ... and ... uh .. I'm sorry, did you ask me something?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

15. also people say that to us often

both gays and straight...All couples like being told they look beautiful together...

[KinkyDem]

19. Then ...

why is DP so angry at me?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

21. some people are just angry in general

also hes not gay so what difference does it make...wasnt your question addressed to gay people?

[KinkyDem]

22. Never mind then

Here I thought I was trying to show support, to offer a word of acceptance to my fellow human and I get DP bitching at me.

Shrug ... I suppose some people just don't get it.

[THUNDER HANDS]

16. only do that if the gay couple are two really ugly people

:D

just kidding

[pagerbear]

The word "ugly" should be banned from DU!

[Xithras]

23. Sorry, I'd be offended

First, 90% of the time that I'm out with a guy, I'm just having fun. "Love" doesn't even enter the equation, and anybody who started spouting off about love to me would instantly be labelled a freak.

Second, if someone walked up to me and started talking about how "cute" we were, I'd instantly start wondering what their game was. There's too much hate disguised as sarcasm today to even grant the benefit of the doubt.

Essentially, you're suspect until you prove otherwise, so I wouldn't even bother. I do appreciate the sentiment, but making a spectacle of us because we're "special" just isn't the right way to show your support.

Disclaimer: I'm actually bi, so my experiences and attitudes may be abit different than your average yogi bear.

[KinkyDem]

26. Wow, now I'm getting sad

I fear doing it, in that I might offend.

You fear someone doing it due to disguised hostility.

No wonder we live in such a fucked up world.

Peace Xithras. You're beautiful. I wish you love. I hope you're not too offended.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

27. just make sure the couple is in reality beautiful

i only say this cos pretty people have been told so before and will not think you are being "gay specific"

[Xithras]

29. I'm not offended, just bitter

Sorry KD, I didn't mean to come off so harshly, but it can be tough to deal with sometimes. Living in a relatively conservative city, I've tolerated countless hurled epithets, had beer bottles thrown at me, and was even assaulted once for the "crime" of going out with another man. I can deal with those, because I've come to understand that some people are simply bigots and that will never change (not in our lifetimes anyway).

What is more hurtful to me personally is the wan smiles, the blank stares, and the quicked step many people around me acquire when they realize they're dealing with a man who enjoys other men. It's obvious that they're disgusted by my presence, but are too PC or civil to say anything. They try to be polite, but their underlying dislike for me and others like me shows through all to clearly. It's hurtful, and after enduring it for so long it has a way of closing people off from those around them. I readily admit that I'm bitter and defensive, and I'm sorry that I couldn't be more encouraging, but I hope you'll understand where I'm coming from.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

30. i do understand where your are coming from

i had someone in the subway say "you are gonna get aids and die"...people look at us strangely...even more so because we are both from homophobic cultures...either or i still appreciate people telling me we are beautiful

[La Lioness Priyanka]

24. i am bi too

and people have often told me that i am part of a cute couple with either gendered people...so i know this is not gay specific...hence i am perfectly ok with it...

[La Lioness Priyanka]

25. i am bi too

and people have often told me that i am part of a cute couple with either gendered people...so i know this is not gay specific...hence i am perfectly ok with it...

[LDS Jock]

28. I would not be offended

Depending on the situation, I might think it was odd, but wouldn't be offended. I've also done something similiar to others. I saw two young men obviously with each other riding the bus. They were sitting next to each other, holding hands, talking quietly. I was facing them and saw it. Finally I asked how old they were. Both 17. I couldn't help but be impressed with them, how comfortable they were with their sexuality and what a beautiful couple they made. So I told them. They told me they've had a lot of positive feedback from others and appreciated it. The only negative comments were made in our lovely public schools. This is in Austin, TX which is a pretty accepting city for gays and lesbians.

[KinkyDem]

43. ldsjocktx

Howdy!I've read a few of your posts and if I haven't yet I'd like to say welcome to DU.

You keep being nice to strangers!

And, thanks. I'm glad I'm not the only one taking a positive interest in the lives of young homosexuals out and about in the world.

[jpgray]

33. I'm not gay, but if I were, it might seem patronizing to me

As in 'Oh look at the cute little gay couple! Aren't they just the bravest little things?' Who knows, though? It all depends on context, and the couple in question.

[Mrs. Venation]

37. I Would Not Be Offended

Bertha and I don't try to attract attention when we're out in public, but we are out in public and we are disinclined to suffer fools (or bigots) gladly.

We hold hands sometimes; we give each other a quick kiss or two (but no one would ever be justified in telling us to "get a room," we are dignified women) and it's probably obvious to most people we are a couple. Sometimes we get an odd or angry look but most of the time people seem to just accept us as part of the world.

I can't speak for everyone, but I can tell you that I appreciate every positive gesture we receive, from a friendly smile to an overt statement of support. I think the things I notice most, though, are apparently straight people (one never knows for sure unless you know the person) who wears a supportive t-shirt, or hat, or sports a bumper sticker that says something like "It's Love That Makes A Family" or "Straight, But Not Narrow" or "Hatred Is NOT A Family Value."

Do what feels right to you, KD. There are so few people who go out of their way to perform an act of kindness or support and so many people who will act out their hatred. If you really want to make a statement, buy an HRC or other gay-supportive t-shirt and wear it proudly!

[La Lioness Priyanka]

38. my sentiments EXACTLY!

[KinkyDem]

42. kpharmer

My wife worked as a fund raiser for HRC (then HRCF) for five years.

I'm good friends with their previus Network Admin and Web Weenie. He has since moved on.

We (my wife and I) play an addapted version of the liscense plate game with our son in the car, "see who can spot the rainbow flags!" He knows what that yellow equal sign means.

My wife wears her rainbows often.

At this point, no I don't wear stickers or pins for any cause. I'm a gubmint contractor these days and don't let my freak flag fly the way I used to. I still have my hair though and that causes enough trouble as it is.

[Mrs. Venation]

44. KD, Will You Be At The March?

Bertha and I will be there.

I am a government employee, and I am totally out at work. It hasn't been a problem for me at all. In fact, I think the security guards would be concerned if I didn't kiss Bertha when she drops me off in the mornings.

If you work in downtown DC, maybe we could meet up for lunch sometime. PM me if you're interested.

Mrs. Venation

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

39. I think all impromtu comments depend on the nature of the person

If you acted funny or weird, I might be put off. It it was out of the blue but stated with sincerity and not in a "leering" manner, I'd probably be stoked that someone cared enough to say anything.

In essence, the offensiveness or lack thereof is dependent on yor demeanor in the matter.