Pat Robertson - Vote No on Jesus

[bonemachine]

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2003/12/23mcintire.html
A M E S S A G E F R O M
P A T R O B E R T S O N A N D
T H E "V O T E N O
O N J E S U S" C A M P A I G N

BY NATHAN MCINTIRE

- - - -

June 25, 2004

Fellow Christians,

The Second-Coming of Jesus Christ was a magnificent and joyous day for all. Interrupting a brand-new holiday episode of 7th Heaven with his divine electronic prowess, Jesus informed the world on the first night of Hanukkah that he would return on December 25, 2003, somewhere in Washington D.C. Cynics dismissed the announcement as a hoax, while the faithful flocked to churches everywhere in anticipation of Christ's reappearance. Doubts of His authenticity vanished on Christmas Day as He walked across the Potomac River and quietly addressed a breathless crowd gathering for the annual Anti-Kwanzaa rally at Christian Coalition headquarters. He connected with the masses as only Jesus can, mesmerizing on-lookers with profound messages of peace and hope. He outlined the steps necessary to steer the world toward a path of deliverance, stressing tolerance and compassion. With such virtuous ideals in mind, Jesus announced His intention to run for President of the United States. As President, Jesus insisted, He could rid the world of evil, unite humankind, end world hunger, and achieve eternal peace—shaping God's Land in the glorious image of Heaven.

And so it is with great sadness that I write this letter urging you to vote against Jesus Christ for President.

Just six months after His re-rebirth, it has become startlingly clear that Jesus has lost touch with America. Far from being a prudent Savior, Jesus has proven to be no more than a foolhardy liberal. Aligning Himself with the far-left minority, Jesus has adopted the lofty and politically correct delusions that have come to define the liberal elite. Nowhere is this more apparent than in Jesus' irresponsible welfare proposals and pleas for universal healthcare.

"Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you," he blathered at a recent Senate hearing on Social Security, simplifying a complex issue as only a liberal would. Indeed, Jesus' socialistic remarks have enraged many would-be contributors to his campaign. After I informed him of the hundreds-of-millions of dollars I have raised in the name of the Lord through my televangelism and holy African diamond-mine interests, he had the audacity to respond: "It is easier for a camel to fit through the head of a pin than for a rich man to enter heaven." Well, the Christian Broadcasting Network will not waste its time and money supporting a candidate unwilling to recognize the blessed virtue of free enterprise. Our hard-working, god-fearing supporters regularly pay tax and tithe and are unable to continue supporting the freeloaders that Jesus would have us aimlessly throw our money at. "Tax-And-Spend Jesus" wants us to believe that our hard-earned money should be pumped into godless public schools and the sinful homes of single-mother welfare queens.

EDITED BY ADMIN: COPYRIGHT

[zonmoy]

1. Gee

If the christian right would reject jesus as being too liberal then what right do they have calling themselves christian.

[GOPBasher]

2. That's so funny!

I'm sending that to some friends of mine who are the classic oxymoron: "Christian Conservatives."

[Moderator]

3. bonemachine

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[amber dog democrat]

4. most Christians are not christian

If there was a Christ he was far too radical for conservative Christian fundamentalists to take, and I believe he'd find most of them insuportable.

[Krazy Jethro]

5. Sounds less left than you think

On a good note, he would certainly outlaw Capital Punishment and Abortion due to his absolute love of life for all people born or unborn.

That would be nice.

He would also change Affermative Action's scope from one of race to one of economic condition.

He would understand that the personal property taxes directly reflect the amount of money a public school gets, which has no bearing on race, being that there are more white americans in poverty than other races.

All this just seems to me what he would do.

Doesn't sound all that left or right to me.

Sounds a little of both.

[zonmoy]

6. You are right about that

I believe that the ones that the evangelical and fundamentalist Christians would be the most like would be the pharisees.