Lunabush's Bad joke Tuesday

[Wickerman]

I'll start - you know the rules - say nice things about my joke.

Post others that are somehow related to Justice/Public Safety.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said,

"Edna, I have good News and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom right after you saved him, I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."



note to gungeonites: File under recidivism, prison overcrowding, death by something other than a gun...

[Wickerman]

1. oh come on, dammit, don't totally ignore my bad joke

:grr:

[demsrule4life]

2. I enjoyed it

A redneck family from Alabama was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling
around
while the wife shopped.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (neverhaving seen an
elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that
in my
entire life, I ain't got
no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady
rolled
between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it
reached
the last number and then the numbers began to light in the >reverse
order.
Then the walls opened up again and a >gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old
blonde
woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma......"

[MrSandman]

12. Jerry Clower...

Told this one really well. It is soo funny.

[Superfly]

3. My momma always used to say....

"If you don't have anything nice to say about something...."

[Wickerman]

4. Well you picked a fine day to start following her advice

:nuke:

[Superfly]

5. LOL...

actually, I thought it was pretty funny.

[TX-RAT]

9. Good news

The blue bonnets are in bloom.
The joke ,well ,ahhh, the blue bonnets are in bloom.

[Wickerman]

10. hmmm

I lived in Texas for years, and uh, I gotta admit, that one slips right by me...

[TX-RAT]

24. Just a response to your bluebonnet post in state forums

Not a response about the joke.

[Wickerman]

25. gotcha

I wondered if that was it. I hate to admit it, but I do miss Bluebonnets. I miss the ice cream, too.

[TX-RAT]

26. Ahhhhhhhh Bluebell

[Wickerman]

27. oops, see its been too long already

I don't even recall the name correctly. :sigh:

Hard to imagine one would miss Texas, but its true, I do.

[iverglas]

28. blue this and that

I've seen the bluebonnets, but I missed the Bluebell. Durn. But I'm not going back for it.

Good tamales somewhere on the road between Dallas and Austin, too. Also many houses with their roofs taken off in the hurricane that preceded us.

Generically blue, bells but not ice cream and flowers but not bonnets, the bluebells bloomed in my northern garden yesterday. The trademark tulips are still mere leaves, though.


Oh, I suppose I have to have a joke.

If flaminlib spoke in the forest and there were no firearms control advocate there to hear him, would he still be wrong?

Hey, if mods can do it, I can do it.

.

[iverglas]

29. all right, I can do butter

haha, butter, a little preface to the joke. haha.

From one of my favourite sites:

these were created by Pat Marren 2/14/96

Subject: TOP TEN ECONOMIST VALENTINES

10. YOU RAISE MY INTEREST RATE THIRTY BASIS POINTS WITHOUT A CORRESPONDING DROPOFF IN CONSUMER ENTHUSIASM

9. DESPITE A DECADE OF INFLATION, I STILL DIG YOUR SUPPLY CURVE

8. WHAT DO YOU SAY WE REMEASURE OUR CROSS-ELASTICITY

7. YOU BRING THE BUTTER, I'LL BRING THE GUN

6. LET'S RAISE HOUSING STARTS TOGETHER

5. FURTHER STIMULUS COULD RESULT IN UNCONTROLLED EXPANSION

4. TELL ME WHETHER MY EXPECTATIONS ARE RATIONAL

3. LET'S ASSUME A RITZY HOTEL ROOM AND A BOTTLE OF DOM

2. YOU STOKE THE ANIMAL SPIRITS OF MY MARKET

1. A LOAF OF BREAD, A JUG OF WINE, AND THOU BESIDE ME WATCHING RUKEYSER

Well, I see they're a little short on gun jokes, so rather that conceal my source and regale you with them one by one, here's the other:

A Harvard economist had a summer house in the Maine woods. Each summer he'd invite a different friend (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two.

On one occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian to stay with him. They had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning they went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch along came two huge bears. The economist dashed for cover. His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The economist ran back to his car, drove to town as fast has he could, and got the sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the economist. Sure enough, both bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the economist, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatd'ya do that for?!" exclaimed the economist, "I said he was in the other!" "Yep," said the sheriff, "and would YOU believe an economist who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

http://mluwis17.wiwi.uni-halle.de/~jzw/texte/economists.htm

[Wickerman]

30. OMG

that wins the prize for perhaps worst joke of the day. Nice one Iverglas!

:thumbsup:

[happyslug]

33. That is bad almost as bad as this one

My father once walked into a ball in the Hill District of Pittsburgh (For you non-Pittsburghers out there, the Hill District is a "Black" section of Pittsburgh) and asked for a beer.

While the Bar tender was getting the beer, my Father saw a sign saying "No Checks". My Father than said "You should be turned into to the EEOC, you serve, Blacks, Germans, Russians, Jews but No Czechs, that's DISCRIMINATION.... The Black bar tender bringing the beer pointed eastward and said "Polish Hill is about a mile that way, that old joke might get a giggle over there".

[TX-RAT]

31. Tamales? Didn't know you were a hogs head fan

You did know thats where they come from didn't you?

[iverglas]

32. hmm <tangent alert>

I was under the impression that the ones I ate, like the ones I make, contained chicken. Was I deceived?

After the discussion of things Cuban in the other thread, I was checking for Cuban restaurants in Toronto on line. Found one; but it had only one review, which said that the service was so bad the customer was never going back, so I didn't bother recommending it.

The description pointed out, though, that pigs are easily fed, and that is the reason they are so popular in economically depressed areas. I sure ate a lot of ham sandwiches in Cuba; also in the Azores.

And wandering even farther afield ... after watching an episode of Deadwood in which a body was disposed of by dumping it in the hog pen, thus avoiding having to offer the pigs any food for a while, it occurred to me ... the "pig farm murders" on Canada's west cost, i.e. the case of the deaths and unsolved disappearances of several dozen women from Vancouver's downtown east side over the last quite a few years ... and maybe why the police report finding the DNA of the victims on the pig farm in question, and release no other details. Although, even worse, there was a request last month for friends of the accused to check their freezers for any ground pork that the accused might have given them a couple of years ago ...

Alrighty. Shall we make disgusting things in the news a regular feature, Luna me boyo?

One other tangent though. I noticed a reference in one of the guns in the news posts to the "east side" of Detroit. I assume that Detroit is like every other major city I know: the east side is the seamy, seedy side. (Human migration in the western hemisphere having been a westward phenomenon, the east is the first settled and economic development moves westward, and successive waves of immigrants continue the pattern.)

Now that I think about it, "east side" is USAmerican; I know the parts in question as "east end"s. My grandfather was from the original East End: working-class London. I'm from the East End of its namesake city, the London in southwestern Ontario, where one newspaper columnist once referred to those of us from there as "the great unwashed".

Any other bred in the bone east siders/east enders?

.

[MrBenchley]

6. LOL!!

Gun owner comes home from work unexpectedly early and catches his wife in bed with his best friend. He runs to the closet, grabs his gun, puts it up to his head and says, "Now I'll show you!"

His wife starts to laugh.

"Don't laugh, bitch!" he says. "You're next."

[Name removed]

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[Superfly]

8. Shucks....

[MrSandman]

11. Dang, it is Tuesday...

What I wondered is, did he dry out?

Pretty good one.

[Wickerman]

13. More, more

need more jokes. Don't let it be said the we in the gungeon are a humorless lot.

[Wonk]

14. More!

http://www.legal-forms-kit.com/legal-jokes/stupid-criminals.html

Some examples:

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"  When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

more...

[Wickerman]

15. Good ones Wonk

:thumbsup:

[MrBenchley]

17. You rang?

Guy is on his deathbed, calls his wife in and says, "Honey, when I'm gone I want you to remarry."

She says, "Oh, no dear, I couldn't remarry. I love you too much."

He says, "No. I want you to go out and find a new husband. And when I'm gone, I want you to let him drive my sportscar."
She says, "Oh, no, he's not going to drive your sportscar. You love that sportscar. You spent so much time with that sportscar, driving it, washing it, waxing it. I couldn't let him drive your sportscar."

He says, "No. I want you to let him drive my sportscar. And I want you to let him smoke my cigars."
She says, "Oh, no, he's not going to smoke your cigars. You love those cigars. You were so proud of your collection, and you kept them in the special humidor and saved them for special occasions. I couldn't let him smoke your cigars."

He says "No. I want you to let him smoke my cigars. And I want you to let him use my golf clubs."
She says, "Oh, no, he's not going to use your golf clubs. He's left-handed."

[Wickerman]

18. excellent

!!

[Wickerman]

16. Dammit - the next Tuesday you all come here unprepared

I am going to get angry. And It WILL go down on your permanent record!



DU Schoolmarm

[RoadRunner]

19. Crude joke from your "other" moderator.

Notice to other mods: I can legally say these things because I'm a New Mexican.

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up ariving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle.... "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. (sounds kinda like flaminlib, doesn't it?)

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .......


"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

[Wickerman]

20. ok, now we're cooking

'cept you have to explain how that pertains to Justice Public Safety.

tick, tick, tick....


:P

[RoadRunner]

22. Oh, I got that covered.

It was the flaminlib comment on the side. :evilgrin:

[Wickerman]

23. LOL

:thumbsup:

[Superfly]

21. ***Groan***

[Name removed]

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