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"The Difference Between Men and Women"
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named
Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have
a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to
dinner, & again they enjoy themselves.
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They continue to see each other regularly, & after a while
neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one
evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, &, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do
you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each
other for exactly 6 months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine it seems
like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Oh, I
wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been
feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm
trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he
doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Wow. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want
this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a
little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether
I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving
steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy?
Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a
lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment?
Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's
see ...February when we started going out, which was right
after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme
check the odometer ...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil
change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his
face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he
wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more
commitment; maybe he has sensed--even before I sensed it --
that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it.
That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own
feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say,
it's still not shifting right.And they better not try to
blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather?
It's 87 degrees out, & this thing is shifting like a
blasted garbage truck, & I paid those incompetent thieves
$600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him.
I'd be angry, too. Oh, I feel so guilty, putting him
through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not
sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a
90-day warranty.That's exactly what they're gonna say, the
scumbuckets.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic,
waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse,
when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a
person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about,
a person who seems to truly care
about me. A person who is in pain because of my
self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll
give them a warranty! I'll take their warranty and stick
it right...
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this, " she says, her
eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never
have ...Oh, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no
knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight,
& there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time,"
Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast
as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally
he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh , Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him & gazes deeply into his eyes,
causing him to become very nervous about what she might say
next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she
speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, & she lies on her bed, a
conflicted, tortured soul, & weeps until dawn, whereas when
Roger gets back to his place. He opens a bag of Doritos,
turns on the TV, & immediately becomes deeply involved in a
rerun of a tennis match between 2 Czechoslovakians he's
never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his
mind tells him that something major was going on back there
in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would
ever understand what, & so he figures it's better if he
doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy
regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or
perhaps 2 of them, & they will talk about this situation
for 6 straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will
analyze everything she said & everything he said, going
over it time & time again, exploring every word,
expression, & gesture for nuances of meaning, considering
every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off & on, for
weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite
conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a
mutual friend of his & Elaine's, will pause just before
serving, frown, & say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
B-)
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