OK, so that was last week....THIS week's Onion is also very funny....

[Pert_UK]

Shotgun Blast To Abdomen
Just Pisses Wilfred Brimley Off More

www.theonion.com

[pnorman]

1. You Have Been Impregnated For National-Security Reasons

Thank you for your call, Alice. I got here as quickly as I could. Have you told anyone else? Thank God. You have no idea what a relief that is—not just for me, but for America. It is of the utmost importance that we keep this strictly between us.

I know that you must be very confused, even scared. I can't blame you. These things are always difficult. I wish I could explain everything to you—the greater context and the strategy at play here—but that would be in strict violation of National Security Agency protocol. I trust that it will suffice for me to inform you that you have been impregnated for national-security reasons.

Were I at liberty to do so, I would rejoice at this news. We would call your parents and begin to plan our wedding. Unfortunately, in this era of heightened anti-American sentiment and continued terrorist threats on the homeland, that is simply impossible.

I have been instructed by my superiors to inform you that word of this news absolutely must not spread. Only four people in the country, five including you, know about your impregnation—which, I might add, was authorized by the president. In order to be able to play a role in this mission, even I had to get my security-clearance status upgraded by going through rigorous procedures. Direct executive order. Top secret.

The director of the NSA has been calling daily to check up on my progress. When I told him today that the plan was now in Phase II, he was pleased—but also quite clear in emphasizing the vital nature of complete secrecy.
>
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Of course I love you. But I also love my country. And right now, my country needs me. Well, actually, I do have about an hour.
http://www.theonion.com/opinion/index.php?issue=4022

[ET Awful]

2. Rumsfeld Equally Proud Of All His Wars

"WASHINGTON, DC—Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced Monday that he shows no favoritism to the Iraq war and, in fact, loves all his wars equally. "Afghanistan, my first Gulf War, and all my covert operations in Central America—I may not say it often enough, but I'm as proud of them as I am of Iraqi Freedom," a beaming Rumsfeld said. "Sure, I may be giving Iraq more of my time now, but that's because it's so newly liberated. When those other wars had just started, I was just as involved with them." Rumsfeld added that he expects "a little jealousy" when mounting tensions in Syria begin to demand the Defense Department's attention."


Hehehehehehe