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In a dramatic development sure to impact on this November's Presidential Elections, and perhaps the ultimate October Surprise, WHOA News can now reveal that President George W.Bush is preparing to declare War on the State of Massachusetts, marking a dramatic escalation of long simmering hostilities against residents of the Bay State. An official announcement is expected within days, if not hours. In secret documents leaked to our reporters by disgruntled Pentagon hard liners who believe the pending actions fall short of what is needed, the President lays his case out to the nation for militarily confronting what he deems to be "the greatest Liberal threat facing the world today."
Although it must be stressed that documents leaked to WHOA News only include working drafts of the statement President Bush is expected to deliver to the nation in a prime time television address, the language used reflects a resolute Commander In Chief, who is certain of his convictions, and undeterred by the prospect of potentially igniting a second Civil War.
"For too many years, American Presidents of both parties have stood back and allowed a gathering threat to build directly on the border of our nation, some would even say within the borders of our nation. Massachusetts, despite it's coastal placement adjacent to the Atlantic Ocean, stands at the furthermost outer left bank and continental shelf of American mainstream thinking. In fact it is beyond that bank. Massachusetts currently wades in a foul watery stew of Liberal Lies, Ultra Liberal Priorities, and Extreme Liberal Intent to undermine all that is great about the United States of America. My fellow Americans, it did not have to be this way.
The warning signs have long been clear. In 1972 citizens of Massachusetts stood alone among those political entities deemed responsible enough to be granted a State, in opposing the overwhelming mandate of the American people to reelect President Richard M. Nixon. Instead they fell under the malicious influence of a wild eyed Liberal prophet, George McGovern, a bitter man holed up in the arid deserts of South Dakota, whose hatred for the abundance of wealth and freedom of opportunity offered to more fortunate Americans, poisoned him against the American Dream. Since that day citizens of Massachusetts have ceaselessly worked to export their Godless, flagless, motherless, pieless, and greedless ideology to the neighboring states in their region, creating a security risk to the corporate pallors of our society that Vice President Cheney and I can no longer afford to ignore.
Some would say, why act now? What is different this year than in 2000 when I first ran for President, or in 1988 when my father decisively turned back another Liberal threat to our nations freedom emanating from the State of Massachusetts? I am fully aware that many members of the Liberal dominated national media will see this war only as a cynical election ploy, born out of desperation that the ultra Liberal Senator John Kerry might defeat me in this year's electoral contest. The foolishness of that statement should be apparent to anyone who knows me. Under no circumstances would I allow a Liberal like John Kerry to defeat me and the American People this November. My fellow Americans, in the greater war against Liberalism that I am waging, defeat was never an option.
No my only concern now is for the future of our great nation, as I call on all of us together, Americans of every respectable political stripe, to unite to defeat the deadly threat that rampant Liberalism poses to our very way of life. Conservatives, neo-conservatives, right wing conservatives, the religious right, fundamentalists, partially misguided neo fascists, center rightists, Zell Miller Democrats, Ed Koch Democrats, George Wallace Democrats, even moderates and Independents. Together we encompass the full range of American patriotism. I ask you all to put aside the differences that divide us, to join with me now in a larger crusade to defeat militant jihadist Liberalism radiating from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. When I took the pledge of office of President of the United States, I pledged to uphold our Constitution, I pledged to protect our nation from all threats domestic and international. And I promised to unite this nation in that resolve toward a better and brighter future. It is with those words still ringing in my ears, the very sound of Liberty ringing out, reaching out, to all freedom loving Americans, that I ask you to join with me now as we decisively crush our foes in Massachusettes.
The immanent threat to our freedom posed by Massachusettes is far greater than has previously been realized. I can reveal to you now that I am forced to act decisively today because our intelligence agencies have acquired conclusive evidence that Massachusetts has accumulated Mass stockpiles of weapons of Misinstruction. Deadly misinstruction that were they to be dispersed in schools and colleges around our nation, or released into the atmosphere through Liberal broadcasters, would invariably result in millions of new Liberal infections. The effects of these newly identified weapons of misinstruction are long lasting, possibly irreversible, as Federal election trends in Massachusetts have clearly established.
We are now in the post Internets era. Everything has changed. Liberal terrorists could rapidly utilize Internets to disperse deadly misinstruction should it fall into their hands. As a result our Armed Forces have been ordered to seal off Massachusettes and quarantine it's residents, with the exception of conservative agents acting undercover in Massachusettes who have all been inoculated against infection. And specialized agents, using obscure provisions of the Patriot Act, are exploring some technical thingies that will shut down only the specific Internets that Liberal terrorists are using to infiltrate our Democracy.
I also want to issue a special warning to the State of Vermont to cooperate in this quarantine against Massachusetts. Our intelligence agencies are fully aware that in the past Vermont has provided a convenient and significant transit route for Liberal terrorist agents from French speaking Quebec to flow across American borders into Massachusetts to further the international Liberal conspiracy. Your actions will be monitored closely and failure to cooperate with this Administration may result in the severest of consequences.
My fellow Americans, this country was founded on the principles of Liberty and Free Speech. AS your President I will do everything in my power to guarantee that Liberal terrorists will never succeed in undermining those basic freedoms. God bless the men and women of our armed forces who as I speak are moving into harms way as the struggle to liberate Massachusetts commences. And God Bless the United States of America."
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