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Before I begin: SARCASM ALERT!!!
Yes, John Kerry took over the world in 1971!
Or at least the United States Navy! Its TRUE! John Kerry, while still only in his mid twenties, took over the ENTIRE US NAVY all the way up the chain of command to PRESIDENT NIXON and used his SECRET POWER TO:
a) Give himself medals;
b) Go back in time to start the Vietnam War;
c) Make himself INVULNERABLE to bullets and shrapnel;
d) Make cats and dogs get along;
and
e) Singlehandedly take over the entire country of Vietnam (but especially the prison camps holding POWs in 1972 and 1973)!
I am NOT making this up!!! He also used his SECRET POWER on millions of people to make them do stuff they didn't want to (did it happen to you?), and made cameras record scenes of horrific violence and death that didn't really happen, and made people remember things (like war being bad) that just weren't true, and THEN HE TOOK OVER THE GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES so no one could tell that he was a "traitorous, treasonous, communist bastard" (That's a quote from a freeper ex-friend, by the way.) when he publicly testified in front of Congress!!!
How did he do it, you ask? How could a young man manage to pull all of this off without anyone noticing?
Miss Cleo. Yes, you may laugh at her vaunted powers, but SHE guided him in his efforts to take over the world! She told him to find a young Marine who would someday become a Republican, and save him so his eventual election to the presidency would be assured! Trusting in his invulnerability (and besides, he'd already taken over the Navy and the Vietnamese, so it was more like a prank, right?), he pretended to save Young Jim Rasmussen from a watery doom -- just like he would later pretend to save Licorice the Unlucky Hamster! (Can't you people see how he was willing to manipulate the feelings of his children for his own presidential campaign? Is there nothing this man won't do? Why, he's even saved a Republican Senator from choking to death for his own personal political gain!)
Yes, John Kerry has been in charge of Everything on the Planet ever since 1971. (Technically before that, once he started using time travel, but the verbs get confusing...) Everyone thought all the bad stuff in the world was due to the power of the Clinton Penis, but in reality, it was John Kerry and his Magic Powers of Potential Presidency! In fact, I am sure "proof" can be found tying him into Anything! After all, his vote against $87 Billion for the troops/Halliburton slush fund was the REAL cause of inadequately equipped troops being sent over seas -- it just looked like the money was actually allocated, and then used inappropriately by the current incumbent! And he was IN the United States when 9/11 happened!
See! More proof of his POWER!!!
My friends, I have bad news: John Kerry is an X-Man. George W. Bush is one, too, but he's the OPPOSITE KIND from John Kerry. That's why sometimes people see what looks like a transmitter box on George's back -- in reality, its a deformity caused by his genetic ability to speak PERSONALLY with the God of the Freepers (aka Space Aliens from Mars), while John Kerry has NO HUMP so you can tell he's only using his SECRET POWERS of no-humpedness when he talks.
How can we trust a man with no hump to lead the country? (Feeling faint -- he must be using his powers against me so I can't warn everyone!)
For the love of humanity, remember these things when you vote! (Swoon!)
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