Dear Dan Burton: A Satire

[McCamy Taylor]

Dear Dan Burton;

It isnt watermelon season, so I hope you have time to read this letter. Your nation needs you. Right now, the country is being run by a bunch of guys who weren't too good at running their businesses, so it is no suprise that they are not doing a super job of taking care of the business of our nation. Frankly, everything they touch turns to merde, pardon my french. Our surplus has turned into a deficit. We are hemorhaging jobs like a hemophiliac in a briar patch. Our troops are spread so thin that if some pissant little country were to stick out its tongue at us, we wouldn't be able to invade, even if the American people could be persuaded to buy one more war.

This is why I am calling upon you to forget your party affiliation and do your duty as an American citizen. Think of this as a citizen's induction into the People's Army of the United States. I want you to be the general in charge of doing what you do best---investigations.

Remember how you investigated the Clintons? You investigated everything they did. Whitewater, Travelgate, Monicagate, Buddhistnungate---no topic was too small to merit your attention. You kept the Clinton administration so busy, they hardly had time to run the country. If you need proof of the power of investigations, consider this. Thanks to investigations, your party was able to keep them from doing anything constructive about our health care crisis and peace in the Middle East.

I am asking you to do the same thing now, before the Bush administration manages to destroy Social Security, plunge us into a Depression, lets nuclear weapons fall into the hands of terrorists through its incredibly lax security and in general turns us into the laughing stock of the world. It should be really easy. Since you haven't launched an investigation in four years, issues have been stacking up. There is WMDgate, 9-11gate, Election 2000gate, Election20004gate, WhoOutedPlamegate, Enrongate---and that is just for starters.

Now, you may say "I dont have the authority to investigate these matters." Dont let that stop you, Rep. Burton. Do you remember how you investigated the Clinton pardons? You didnt have the authority to investigate those either!

Please say you will do it! We need round the clock investigations, 24-7 for the next four years of President Bush, his wife, the twins, the dog, Karl Rove, everyone on his staff and in the cabinet and anyone else you can think of. Actual indictments are not required. Just keep them so busy answering subpoenas and producing documents and responding to reporters that they have no time to screw up the country anymore than they already have.

I have faith in you, Dan Burton. I know you can do it!

Sincerely, Mc Camy Taylor

[underpants]

1. I must have missed the watermelon story until now

http://archives.cnn.com/2000/ALLPOLITICS/stories/03/31/bill.press/

Great letter