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THE REPUBLICAN COMMANDMENTS
Thou shalt not kill, except when killing a person teaches them a useful lesson about freedom, democracy and the American Way.
It shalt be OK for there to be poverty, homelessness, suffering, disease, famine, starvation, torture, grief and death - as long as it is God's will - and as long as it's someone else suffering other than you.
If thou shalt encounter a sick man, thou shalt never offer him health care. Just "pray for him" instead.
If thou shalt encounter a destitute man, thou shalt never offer him even a tiny fraction of thy wealth. Just say, "get a job" and walk away.
Thou shalt not question any dictum of the Republican party, no matter how nonsensical. Thou shalt endlessly repeat and echo every proclamation that thou hears from any tentacle of the Republican propaganda machine.
It shalt not be allowed for two persons of the same sex to get married (unless it's two hot dyno-babes and you can download the video later for not more than $9.95)
Thou shalt believe that the way to teach a nation about "democracy" is by first dropping bombs on it and then driving around it with guns pointed at everyone.
Thou shalt mislabel heroic bravery as "cowardice" (Kerry in Vietnam) and smirking cowardice as "leadership" (Bush AWOL). Thou shalt mislabel pig-like self-aggrandizing boors as "strong role-models" (Schwarzenegger) and genuine selflessness or caring (Doctors without Borders) as "wimpiness." Thou shalt mislabel dissent as "treason."
Thou shalt believe that terrorists are the root cause of terrorism.
Thou shalt never neglect the smallest opportunity to insult and deride any non-Republican. Thou shalt constantly keep the following words at the forefront of thy mind: "fucking" "liberal" "scumbag" "pinko" "commie" "socialist" "faggot" "tree-hugger" "feminazi" "why" "don't" "you" "just" "move" "to" "Canada" "or" "France" "you" "America-hater" and use these words often and in any order.
Thou shalt believe that Wal-Mart is the finest example of the American capitalist system at it best and that blanketing the world with useless plastic trinkets made in China is the ultimate goal of mankind on Earth.
Thou shalt believe that no person has ever died inside a Home Depot store from falling objects. Thou shalt believe that Home Depot is going to someday do something about those boxes way up there near the ceiling. Thou shalt believe that Home Depot gives a damn whether thou lives or dies in their store.
Thou shalt remember that any infraction of any law committed by a liberal or Democratic politician is equivalent to treason and is rightfully punishable by death without delay - but the exact same crime committed by any conservative or Republican politician is merely a "unfortunate misstep" and merits prayers for that politician.
Thou shalt forget all about that silly nonsense about "separation of church and state." God said that's so last century. Thou shalt vote religiously, in both senses.
Thou shalt forget that "America" exists entirely on stolen land which was brutally and savagely taken from the native inhabitants who had peacefully lived there for many thousands of years, and remind thyself daily that "America" is the only nation in the world that matters.
Thou shalt buy the biggest SUV with the lowest gas mileage possible, and drive alone in it, on two-block trips to the mailbox or the grocery store, even when thy could have walked and burned off some of that fat on thy ass. Thou shalt never look at, or think about, the price of gasoline. Thou shalt exert power and control over any nation in the world which has oil under it, no matter what the people in that nation might think.
Thou shalt believe that the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is covered with snow all year long. Thou shalt believe "Hell, we might as well drill the damned place, I'll never go there anyway." Thou shalt believe that the Rocky Mountain Front would be a dandy place to drill for natural gas.
Thou shalt believe that oil is a more scarce commodity than wilderness is.
Thou shalt believe that clean water and clean air should have retail price tags.
Thou shalt believe that criticizing America is "un-American," that the first Amendment of the U.S. Constitution does not grant Americans the right to criticize America, and that criticizing the President is the same as "hating America."
Thou shalt believe that the Dow Jones Industrial Average is more important than the U.S. trade deficit.
Thou shalt believe that homeless people choose to be homeless and want to be homeless.
Thou shalt believe that ketchup is a vegetable, that secondhand smoke only travels upwards, and that trees create pollution.
Thou shalt not know what any of the following words mean: chipotle, foccacia, hummus, rumaki, glogg, chimichanga, paella, falafel, penuche, ratatouille, stollen, tapenade, arugula, and salat olivieh.
Thou shalt believe that corporations have the same rights as human beings. Thou shalt believe that some human beings are more valuable than other human beings. Thou shalt believe that human beings are more important and have more rights than any other species of life.
Thou shalt believe that "owning" a piece of land means that thou shalt do whatever thou wants on it or with it, regardless of any consequences.
Thou shalt trust implicity - in fact, not even concern thyself with - the integrity of electronic voting machines (Shhh. Remember! The companies that make and program the machines are on our side. Heh heh heh! Shhh now. Don't talk about it.)
Thou shalt believe that winning is more important than fairness, justice, accuracy or accountability.
Thou shalt believe that giving money to televangelists assures thou a place in the Kingdom of Heaven.
Thou shalt believe that taxes are the root of all evil. Thou shalt belive the high cost of living and low wages are not the source of misery for anyone - that taxes are the entire problem and eliminating taxes is the only solution to any economic problem. That shalt be the entire extent of thy knowledge of the field of economics.
Thou shalt believe that shopping is entertainment, and that debt has no meaning. Thou shalt believe that the U.S. national debt will "never really have to be paid off anyway."
Thou shalt believe that a momentary exposure of Janet Jackson's boob is more shocking than the videotaped beheading of Nicholas Berg.
Thou shalt act out of self-interest alone, at all times. Any action that benefits a society as a whole is Godless communism.
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