Man Oh Man, Do I Despise Ultra-Religious Kooks!!

[The Donkey]

Whenever a national tragedy strikes, you can always rest assured that the religious kookery will come out en masse to say something crazy, primarily just to get a bit of press for their crackpot cause. Many of these organizations have nothing to do with Christianity, as their lack of compassion toward victims of catastrophic misfortune flies directly in the face of the teachings of Jesus – who by all accounts was a pretty cool guy. I mean let’s face it, he wore sandals and a robe out in public, turned water into wine, fed poor people without asking anything in return, and liked to hang out with the homeless, lepers, and prostitutes. His only message was to show love and compassion toward everyone. Today he would be referred to as an “America-hating extremist freak”, or even worse, “Canadian”.



Michael Marcavage: Riding in the
Back Seat of God’s “Short Bus”


Of course, this primary tenet of Jesus’ philosophy is almost universally disregarded by those in the kooky Christian right-wing. Their message is primarily one of “assholier-than-thou” condemnation of anyone they feel to be violating a strict interpretation of the Bible. Most of them believe that the Bible is the direct word of God himself, and should be interpreted as literally as possible. Which of the dozens of versions of the Bible should be literally interpreted is another debate, as is the fact the Good Book itself has been pieced together from several different documents hand-written over centuries, many of which are fragments. Using this strict logic, apparently God could create the universe in less than a week, but writing a confusing, often contradictory book takes thousands of times longer. Perhaps the early scholars God chose to assemble his thoughts were not well-schooled in the editing process. Maybe he needed a better agent.

Anyhoo, after Katrina, the kooks came out of the woodwork like termites at the sight of the exterminator at the front door. There’s nothing like a massive catastrophe to pimp out your cause, right? I suppose it would be one thing if these organizations would actually reach out to people and offer them help in their neediest hour. But sadly, such an act would involve compassion and actual effort. Why do that when it’s just easier to tell victims that what happened was completely their fault? You can do that without having to get dressed and leave the house - and you’ll still get your name in the papers. Then you can just sit back and watch the donations roll in.

Michael Marcavage of Repent America is a great example of this sort of hypocritical operation. He’s one of those nuts you see on your local street corner with the bullhorn and the picture of the dead fetus who ruins your lunch hour at Subway, as you see him outside the store window while you’re eating your meatball sandwich. What separates him from the normal embarrassing public ranter is that he has an actual organization that helps fund his message of damnation, Hell, and eternal suffering. You can even throw some cash his way through his website (big surprise there). Known as “Repent America”, his organization issued a press release after Hurricane Katrina hit that expressed no real empathy toward New Orleans or the victims of the disaster. Instead, they chose to let us all in on a secret: God took out a good chunk of the Gulf Coast last week to punish gays, abortionists, and yes – women who expose their boobies.

Here’s a portion of the Repent America release:

Just days before "Southern Decadence", an annual homosexual celebration attracting tens of thousands of people to the French Quarters section of New Orleans, Hurricane Katrina destroys the city. . .

"Although the loss of lives is deeply saddening, this act of God destroyed a wicked city," stated Repent America director Michael Marcavage. "From 'Girls Gone Wild' to 'Southern Decadence,' New Orleans was a city that had its doors wide open to the public celebration of sin. From the devastation may a city full of righteousness emerge," he continued.

New Orleans was also known for its Mardi Gras parties where thousands of drunken men would revel in the streets to exchange plastic jewelry for drunken women to expose their breasts and to engage in other sex acts. This annual event sparked the creation of the "Girls Gone Wild" video series. Furthermore, Louisiana had a total of ten abortion clinics with half of them operating in New Orleans, where countless numbers of children were murdered at the hands of abortionists. Additionally, New Orleans has always been known as one of the "Murder Capitals of the World" with a rate ten times the national average.

"We must help and pray for those ravaged by this disaster, but let us not forget that the citizens of New Orleans tolerated and welcomed the wickedness in their city for so long," Marcavage said. "May this act of God cause us all to think about what we tolerate in our city limits, and bring us trembling before the throne of Almighty God," Marcavage concluded.

Okay, so the guy’s a bit insane – I think that’s somewhat apparent. But let’s face it - he’s also pretty stupid. There’s more holes in his argument than there are at the piercing kiosk at a fetish ball. For example, the “Southern Decadence” weekend was a tourist event. In case he doesn’t understand the implication of this – let’s explain it to him: people come in from out of town to celebrate. If God really hated the gays, he would have waited until they all got there in order to destroy them. At the very least, he would have turned them into pillars of salt as they fled the city. But no, the airports in the area were shut down a week before “Southern Decadence” was supposed to start. This means that the only gays in New Orleans at the time were the poor residents that couldn’t afford to leave.

Here’s another gem of stupid logic: according to Marcavage, God took out New Orleans partly because there are 5 abortion clinics located there. The Center for Disease Control reports that there about 440 free-standing abortion clinics in the United States, accounting for about 70% of all procedures undertaken nationwide (the rest occur in hospitals). So God decided to punish New Orleans because it housed 1.1% of the nation’s abortion clinics. Using Marcavage’s logic, his home city of Philadelphia should incur the fiery and sulfuric wrath of a vengeful God any day now, since his city contains 6 such clinics, even more than that wicked New Orleans. If Repent America wants to be consistent, they should remain in Philadelphia to be counted among the innocent casualties of an angry Creator. Now that’s a sacrifice I could live with!

Of course, no discussion of hurricane blame would be complete without pointing out what causes hurricanes, which is of course the exposure of boobies. Since I’m not a meteorologist I’m not exactly sure how this works, but I’ll give it a shot: first, a girl on Bourbon Street sees someone offering her plastic beads from a balcony. In order to get these beads, she is supposed to flash her “sweet jubblies” to all in visual range. The person holding the beads then tosses them up in the air, where they fall near the deserving (and obviously drunk) woman. Immediately, everyone in the direct vicinity pounces on the beads to claim them as their own, much like hungry pigeons in the park with bread crumbs. The emotional frenzy caused by such blasphemous behavior somehow causes extreme heat and air currents to emanate from the city, which in turn heats the entire ocean up a few degrees higher than normal. This inordinately warm water mixes with the atmosphere and the result is a class 5 hurricane that ironically destroys the city that caused it in the first place.

Sure, there are those in the “legitimate” scientific community that blame hurricanes on global warming due to pollution, but we all know that back here in the real world, all hurricanes are caused by tits.

Finally, if God exacted revenge on New Orleans because of its wickedness, why did he take out an entire region, most of it filled with evangelical, Bible-thumping Christians? Surely the American Gulf Coast south has to be one of the most God-fearing strongholds in this country. Is God’s aim so bad that he has to wash away such a big area? If so, I surely hope that he leaves the seat up when he takes a leak, otherwise Mrs. God would literally be pissed at him all the time. And we know God’s spouse is a Mrs. – because after all - he has a son, and he does hate the gays.

So here’s to you, Michael Marcavage – and all the others like you who let us know that everything we do is evil. If it weren’t for you, we’d be duped into thinking that God is a loving creature who knows that we’re trying our best down here, but our mistakes will be forgiven as long as we’re generally good people. Now we know that even thinking a bad thought on occasion will send us to the eternal sea of fire. Heck, even living in the same state as someone God disapproves of will make us guilty by association – thanks for clearing that one up as well. However, I think that given your recent behavior, I’ll stick with my loving and forgiving God, since yours has chosen an absolute moron to be his mouthpiece.

[AlinPA]

1. Those are the extremes of course, but it really pisses me off when they

say "God led me to this decision or that action or event was willed by God" for everything thing that happens, but when they fuck up or you ask why would God allow a horrible crime, etc. they don't have any answer.

[jeff30997]

2. Amen to that !

:thumbsup:

[unless]

3. He should read...

Matthew 5:43-47

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.