Terrifying Bill Passed During NBA Playoffs

[CAcyclist]

Terrifying Bill Passed During NBA Playoffs
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28637

May 28, 2003 | Issue 39•20 | Onion Sports

WASHINGTON, DC—With the nation safely distracted by the NBA playoffs, Congress passed the terrifying Citizenship Redefinition And Income-Based Relocation Act of 2003 with little opposition Monday.


Dallas Mavericks fans cheer on their team while Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (left) announced the passage of the terrifying new law.
>snip<



In a nationally televised address before an estimated audience of 150, President Bush praised the Citizenship Redefinition And Income-Based Relocation Act.

"The swift passage of this very important law proves what I have always believed: that government works best when spared the constant carping and criticism of naysayers," Bush said. "I am proud of all the senators, representatives, regional overseers, and metropolitan sub-commanders who worked so hard to make this law a reality. Almost as proud as San Antonio is of its Spurs."

[LostInAnomie]

1. What was in this bill?

Whatever was in it this line is terrifying: "The swift passage of this very important law proves what I have always believed: that government works best when spared the constant carping and criticism of naysayers."

[Iris]

2. omg. I couldn't breath for a moment. . .

and then I saw it was The Onion!

And it was from 2003!

[pnorman]

3. Here's a few more excerpts:

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Andy Guthridge of Savannah, GA, is among the estimated 240 million Americans unaware of the sweeping package of civil-liberties curtailments, voting-privilege re-qualifications, and mandatory relocation of the working poor to the Dakotas.

"Man, I was so glad to see the Lakers finally get knocked off," said Guthridge, who was glued to TNT while the bill's passage aired on C-SPAN. "Shaq and Kobe and the rest of those dicks have had it coming for a long time."

In addition to allocating $14 billion for "development of surveillance technologies and domestic weaponry," the bill expands the criminal code to include any acts determined to be "a compromise of national interests" by the Justice Department or other federal authorities. U.S. Sen. Joe Biden (D-DE) also tacked on a rider late in the approval process that adds situational provisions to the First Amendment and effectively does away with the Fifth.
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pnorman

[natrat]

4. headline on onion today:

Cat Likes it Doggy Style-lifestyle section