The All-New Devil's Dictionary! ...........for the Neo-Age

[ElsewheresDaughter]

21st Century Definitions for the Neo-Age


by Douglas Herman



This is a tribute to the Civil War officer, author and newsman, Ambrose Bierce, who originally compiled The Devil's Dictionary.



America. Noun. Former republic, reportedly founded 1776, but which foundered soon thereafter. An exemplary idea, a belief better realized in abstract than actuality.



Anti-Semitism. Noun. Mistrust of Jews by non-Jewish people. Not to be confused with Semitism, the outright hatred and hostility of Semitic Jews and Arabs for each other. See Zionism.



Bush. Noun. Prolific shrub, non-native plant beloved by many for purely decorative purposes. Invasive, fast growing and tends to take over a garden. Shade tolerant.



Christianity. Noun. 2,000 year-old religion originally based on gentle non-violence. Now a worldwide cult transformed by conquest, persecution, money-making and cronyism. See Zionism.



CSI. Acronym (Crime Scene Investigation) Also, refers to the detectives obsessed with digging up the details but oblivious to the crime. TV characters, “CSI,” continually absorbed with digging up bones while the unburied carcass of their country decays under their noses. See NineOneOne.

Democratic Party. Archaic English. Defunct influence group. Now less powerful than PETA but featuring neutered males and spayed females nonetheless.



Elections. Controlled means of persuading the powerless to stand in line and prove their gullibility.



Evildoers. Anybody not with the US (and more than half of all Americans, according to recent polls). All foreigners, foreign-born, foreign-looking people, or the group Foreigner. All doers and thinkers of evil.



Government. Less than organized crime but on a larger scale. Uses strong arm methods where possible but prefers the lure of promotions, patriotism, bribes, medals, judgeships, cabinet positions and high senate offices, to secure unquestioning allegiance.



Government Appointment. A high bureaucratic post bestowed upon someone woefully unqualified by someone equally so. Lately, the higher the post, the least qualified the person.



Hollywood. Movie factory town. Manufactures blockbusters with predictable plots, cardboard characters, silly dialogue and explosive special effects. Prefers films that feature superheroes--mostly cartoon characters--foiling crimes and criminals that resemble nothing or no one who ever existed.



Homeland Security. Cardboard castle created to install false sense of security on citizenry with heads in the sand.



Hurricanes. Nature’s acts of terrorism, mostly named for foreigners. Osama Bin Laden suspected mastermind.



Iraq. Mythical Garden of Eden and site of new Indiana Jones movie sequel entitled, Temple of Doom and Gloom.



Jihad. A foreign act of violent terrorism, religious inspired, wholly unrelated to pre-emptive strikes, unlawful occupation or nation-building.



Kean Commission. Belated glimpse into events loosely related to 9-11attack. Conducted by wealthy appointees overly concerned with arcane details, questioning key witnesses allowed to avoid pertinent testimony, finally buried under mountains of paperwork which resulted in a bestselling book.



Lottery. Legalized gambling by state government ostensibly for the benefit of public education, which magically never materializes. AKA “Lotto,” a form of addictive, non-prescription medicine. See Money.



Money. Fictitious wealth created by fictitious states and often called currency. Money is neither liquid nor solid but a vapor, or gas, pumped into the pockets of the populace to induce them to sleep. A pleasant, narcotic feeling occurs, “to have money,” and entire populations are thus controlled by colorful pieces of paper. An addictive substance—See Lottery—and side effects can be lethal: delusions of grandeur, ambition, murder, even treason.



MSM. Acronym (Mainstream Media). Happy lapdogs. Overfed pets who guard the nation. They sniff at felons, whimper at scoundrels, and wag their tails while the whole household is emptied. Satisfied at last, they lick their balls, confident the doorknobs are secure.



Nation-building. Conquest and occupation of one nation by another, for its own good.



NeoCons. Future convicts in a perfect world, role model in this one.



NineOneOne. (9-11) Formidable attack on US urban areas, never fully investigated (See CSI). Crime scenes hastily wrapped in flags, ribbons and black bunting and then hurriedly swept away when mainstream media (MSM) not looking. Forensics painstakingly examined the DNA at Fresh Kills but never examined the motives, means and opportunity of masterminds who benefited (See Government).



Osama Bin Laden. AKA Usama or OBL. Mastermind terrorist and World’s-most-wanted-criminal. Tall, bearded, ascetic Muslim who once lived in a cave. Evidently possesses superpower, since able to thwart FBI, CIA, NORAD and Pentagon. Reportedly invisible.



Pre-emptive Strike. Noun and verb. Democracy-building through creative bombardment. Military incursion to stop proliferation of weapons through use of superior weapons. See War.



Rap. Rhyming ghetto jargon intended to shock the mainstream, mostly white, society. Set to loud, monotonous music difficult to dance to. Meant to establish a voice for poor or powerless minorities but wholly adopted by poor and powerless white kids, who play it loudly after conquering poor and powerless countries.



Shock & Awe. Creative military jargon for quick air strikes using fancy expensive weapons instead of boring diplomacy. Also expected reaction—“shock & awe”--of next generation of Americans when bill for weaponry falls due.



Talk Radio. Blather for white people stuck in traffic who cannot rhyme or rap. Propaganda outlet for huddled masses who imagine they enjoy political power with the state but assuredly do not.



Televangelist. Animated actor in tailored suit with a gift of gab and a TV time slot. Capable of generating millions, allegedly for the Glory of God. Claims to knows Jesus personally; claims spiritual rebirth; claims to speak for God and vice versa (mostly the former). Allegedly Protestant (dating from the protests of Martin Luther), televangelists protest little nowadays. Should God and the state ever clash, actor always chooses the state—without protest.

See Christianity.



Television. Contrived, artless programming for morons, by morons and about morons. Created to sell consumer products to over-indulged morons, not least of all the sale of acceptable ideas, societal behavior and political candidates.



War. Profitable enterprise thought up by think tanks, lobbyists, talk radio hosts, bored heads of state and religious nuts (Or anyone not directly involved in the fighting), for use of tax money extorted from otherwise peaceful citizens. War is the disease of the state disguised as a healthy, lawful enterprise.



WASP. The insects at the top of the food chain. Omnivorous, they can eat anything and often do. What they do not eat, they own. Except Zions and Catholics.



Zionism. New age mystic cult, mostly Jewish but also Wasp. Core beliefs are money-making, cronyism, conquest, control of MSM and Madonna, and of course, debased spirituality. Motto is, “By way of deception thou shalt make war.” See (modern) Christianity.

http://www.strike-the-root.com/52/herman/herman18.html

[Gloria]

1. Thanks for this! My facsimile edition of Bierce dates back to l

1968, so I will have to print this stuff out for an update! LOL.

Bierce would have loved this...

And here's a couple of golden oldies from the man himself....

Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Uknowable.

Congress, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.

Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

[Bellamia]

2. Brilliant.....

Love it, 'specially SEMITISM.............. so true!!!!! One of the many things Shrub doesn't understand, never will either.

Edit: Spelling