HOT INSIDE NEWS PRIOR TO RELEASE

[Jeffersons Ghost]

Here it is folks, as promised, it's all about a new program Dur Fuhrer will soon announce. While I have your attention can we somehow stop freepers from reposting all this devisive garbage for a while?

In the wake of Iraqi elections, President Bush announced a multi-level plan to begin withdrawing troops from the region. According to White House sources, however, Iraq must become truly safe for all religions, especially the three people in the country that want Iraq to become a Christian state. According to Bush, the three Christians represent a growing underground movement that boasts up to 37 believers in the “faith of freedom.”

When asked about the loss of freedom in America resulting from the USA Patriot Act, Bush quoted Janis Joplin saying, “Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.” He went on to add, “The poor from New Orleans are now finally free and we want impoverished people in other states to enjoy that same kind of freedom.” Unlike in New Orleans, Bush will deploy military units in other areas to achieve his goal of a “Joplin type of freedom” for all. According to Condoleezza Rice, “The brilliant new plan to reduce taxes on people making in excess of 750 thousand dollars a year while increasing taxes on the poor and middle class will create economic incentives to expedite this new definition of freedom. When asked about her unusual first name, the Secretary of State suggested that she was named for the Italian musical “con dolcezza” which means “sweetness.” Linguists are still debating the topic. Several authorities on language claim her first name more closely translates into “hand puppet” while another school of thought suggests the name is a Hebrew derivative of “Oreo Cookie.”

In response to Democrat criticism that the current administration has never offered concise plans for doing anything, Bush is consolidating his approaches on a variety of issues, calling his plan “Total Freedom.” First, according to the president, “We must make the whole of the Middle East free and safe for Christianity, which will likely include a massive troop deployment into Iran.” “Next,” said Bush, “we will gradually reassign the units serving in the Middle East to posts in or near the national forests as we begin to chop away all this troublesome timber to ‘free’ up the land for development.” These military units will be under strict orders to shoot anyone who even resembles a “tree hugging terrorist.” Bush claims, “tree huggers aren’t very patriotic and generally don’t believe in God.” The president went on to say, “Wild animals aren’t patriotic or Christian either, so troops will be ordered to shoot all of them too.” The Bush plan includes a seven-step program for the eradication of over 1,000 wild species. According to the president, “the best way to remove a species from the endangered list is to remove it from the planet, which will ‘free’ these critters from the worries of life.”

Critics of the Bush plan claim the current term of administration will end long before any troops leave Iraq. The President, however, states that “while the Clinton scandal proves that voters don’t approve of a president screwing around, Americans still like a good screwing.” Bush went on to say, “the Bush family tree has enough branches to keep ‘freely’ screwing America for many years to come. Florida governor Jeb Bush could not be asked if he would seek the Republican nomination for president because he was vacationing again with his brother at the ranch.
Ultimately, Bush does not want history to show his administration was the most divisive force in America since the Civil War. In a final statement of his Total Freedom plan, the president said, “Most of all we want to free Americans from debate. Instead of worrying over whether it’s a Red or Blue state, in the next election, my party intends to create fifty police states, which will free TV from reporting the news. After all, it’s television that drives America and it needs to be free of political dissension and citizens need to be ‘free’ to think about God and stuff like that, instead of wasting their time in a voting booth.”