Colbert's BALLS JUST GOT BIGGER!!!

[FULL_METAL_HAT]

He's playing his Press Secretary "Audition Video" on his show!

HOLY HUEVOS!!

This guy knows how to say GO CHENEY YOURSELF to the press that ignored him!

Here's the transcript of the video:

http://dailykos.com/storyonly/2006/4/30/1441/59811
NOTE BY FREDERICK: The "audition tape" I have transcribed below is available here.

BEGINNING OF "AUDITION TAPE"

Colbert shows a video of a mock press conference. It opens with an empty podium. Colbert's head rises from behind the podium until Colbert is standing at the podium. He addresses the assembled Washington press corps.

COLBERT: I have a brief statement: the press is destroying America. OK, let's see who we've got here today.

COLBERT (acknowledging various reporters): Stretch! (David Gregory nods)

Sir Nerdlington! (reporter nods)

Sloppy Joe! (reporter nods)

Terry Lemon Moran Pie! (Terry Moran nods)

Oh, Doubting Thomas, always a pleasure. (Helen Thomas smiles)

And Suzanne Mal -- hello!!

(Suzanne Malveaux stares at Colbert, looking unhappy. Colbert mimics putting a phone to his ear and mouths "call me.")

REPORTER: Will the Vice President be available soon to answer all questions himself?

COLBERT: I've already addressed that question. You (pointing to another reporter).

REPORTER: Walter Cronkite, the noted CBS anchor, . . .

COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, no, he's the former CBS anchor. Katie Couric is the new anchor of the CBS Evening News. Well, well, how do you guys feel about that?

You, tousle-haired guy in the back. Are you happy about Katie Couric taking over the CBS Evening News?

DAN RATHER: No, sir, Mr. Colbert. Are you? (Laughter)

COLBERT: Boom! Oh, look, we woke David Gregory up. Question?

DAVID GREGORY: Did Karl Rove commit a crime?

COLBERT: I don't know. I'll ask him.

(Colbert turns to Rove) Karl, pay attention please! (Rove is seen drawing a heart with "Karl + Stephen" written on it.)

GREGORY: Do you stand by your statement from the fall of 2003 when you were asked specifically about Karl, and Elliott Abrams, and Scooter Libby, and you said "I've gone to each of those gentlemen, and they have told me that they are not involved in this." Do you stand by that statement?

COLBERT: Nah, I was just kidding!

GREGORY: No, you're not finishing. You're not saying anything! You stood at that podium and said . . .

COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, that's where you're wrong. New podium! Just had it delivered today. Get your facts straight, David.

GREGORY: This is ridiculous. The notion that you're going to stand before us after having commented with that level of detail and tell the people watching this that somehow you've decided not to talk. You've got to . . .

(Colbert is seen looking at three buttons on the podium, labeled "EJECT," "GANNON" and "VOLUME." He selects the "VOLUME" button and turns it. We see Gregory's lips continue moving, but can't hear any sound coming out.)

COLBERT: If I can't hear you, I can't answer your question. I'm sorry! I have to move on. Terry.

TERRY MORAN: After the investigation began, after the criminal investigation was underway, you said . . .

(Colbert presses a button on the podium and fast-forwards through most of Moran's question.)

MORAN (continuing): All of a sudden, you have respect for the sanctity of a criminal investigation?

COLBERT (seen playing with rubber ball, which he is bouncing off attached paddle): No, I never had any respect for the sanctity of a criminal investigation. Activist judges! Yes, Helen.

HELEN THOMAS: You're going to be sorry. (Laughter)

COLBERT (looking vastly amused, mockingly): What are you going to do, Helen, ask me for a recipe?

THOMAS: Your decision to invade Iraq has caused the deaths of thousands (Colbert's smile fades) of Americans and Iraqis, wounds of Americans and Iraqis for a lifetime.

COLBERT (interrupting): OK, hold on Helen, look . . .

THOMAS (continuing): Every reason given, publicly at least, has turned out not to be true. My question is why did you really want to go to war?

COLBERT (again interrupting): Helen, I'm going to stop you right there. (Thomas keeps talking.) That's enough! No! Sorry, Helen, I'm moving on. (Colbert tries to turn her volume off, but the knob falls off his controls.)

(Various reporters start shouting questions at Colbert.)

COLBERT (agitated): Guys, guys, please don't let Helen do this to what was a lovely day.

(Reporters keep shouting at him.)

COLBERT (putting his fingers over his ears and shouting in a high-pitched voice): Bllrrtt! No, no, no, no, no. I'm not listening to you!

Look what you did, Helen! I hate you!

(Helen Thomas glowers at Colbert.)

COLBERT (frantic): I'm out of here!

(Colbert pulls back the curtain behind him, desperately trying to flee. He says, "There is a wall here!" The press corps laughs. Colbert has difficulty finding a door from which to exit the room, echoing Bush's experience in China. He finally finds the door and hurries through it.)

COLBERT: It reeks in there! Ridiculous! I've never been so insulted in my life! Stupid job.

(Colbert continues walking away. We hear sinister-sounding music playing. We see Helen Thomas walking behind Colbert.)

(Colbert looks behind him, sees Thomas, and starts running.)

(Colbert trips over a roller skate, and yells "Condi!" We see a close-up of Helen Thomas' face, looking determined and angry. Colbert, increasingly panicked, gets up and continues running, running into a parking garage. He reaches an emergency call box, and yells into it.)

COLBERT: Oh, thank God. Help me!

ATTENDANT: What seems to be the problem, sir?

COLBERT: She won't stop asking why we invaded Iraq!

ATTENDANT: Hey, why did we invade Iraq?

COLBERT: NO!!! (runs toward his car)

(We see Helen Thomas, still walking toward him.)

(Colbert reaches his car, and fumblingly attempts to open it with his key. He is in such a desperate hurry that he fumbles with the keys and drops them. When he picks them up, he looks back and Helen is even closer. In his frantic rush, Colbert just can't get the keys into the lock.)

(Just as his anxiety is getting completely out of control he suddenly remembers that he has a keyless remote -- so he just pushes the button on the keychain and the car unlocks immediately with the usual double squeak noise. Colbert jumps in and locks the door, and continues to fumble trying to get the car started. He finally succeeds, and looks up to see Helen standing in front of the car, notepad in hand.)

COLBERT: NO!!! NO!!!

(Colbert puts the car into reverse and drives off, tires squealing. Thomas smiles.)

(Colbert is shown taking the shuttle from Washington, D.C. to New York. A car and driver are waiting for him at Penn Station. The uniformed man standing alongside the car opens the door and lets Colbert in.)

COLBERT: What a terrible trip, Danny. Take me home.

(The driver locks the doors, turns around, and says, "Buckle up, hon." IT'S HELEN THOMAS!!!)

COLBERT (horrified face pressed against car window): NO!!!

END OF "AUDITION TAPE"

THANK YOU MR. COLBERT! Go thank him at www.thankyoustephencolbert.ORG -- Now at 32011 thanks!

My fav funny line is "Sir Nerdlington" LOL

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[rusty charly]

1. loved the subtle "bush can't find the exit" joke

[Nostradammit]

26. "There's a WALL here!!!"

That had my sides splitting as well.

[holboz]

2. Like Helen's cameo! LOL!

[ShortnFiery]

10. Yes but I'm goofy in the fact that

they cut out his frantic use of the "Call Box" after he raced down the parking garage ramp.

One of my biggest belly laughs came when Cobert screamed through the receiver, "Help! Helen Thomas won't stop asking me why we attacked Iraq!" And without missing a beat the voice over the loud speaker said, "Yes, why did we attack Iraq?!?" :rofl:

[Sparkly]

3. And the audience is -- surprise! -- laughing.

I heard on Scarborough and elsewhere that Colbert just wasn't funny; yet Chimpy and the impersonator were.

The only way I can explain it: These are the same people who think "Family Circus" is funny, but not Gary Larson. :shrug:

[FULL_METAL_HAT]

5. Actually part of the "Colbert Lockdown" an example of how they CHOOSE NEWS

Truly, the media blackout will find the backlash of exposing the way the news media IN FACT chooses what is "news" by omissions like this.

Lots of _real_ journalists have commented on this already. Considering the video of his speech blew out the records at Crooks and Liars, the video is getting out there in a big way.

Colbert is an amazing patriot!

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

6. Yep. Same people who laugh at Benny Hill but not Monty Python.

[tinfoilinfor2005]

19. Hey, easy on Benny...

I enjoy both. ;)

[ShortnFiery]

11. Yes, the same folks you had to explain "The Far Side" to ...

And still, most of the time they didn't get it, or thought it wasn't funny. :shrug:

[Initech]

4. Huevos grandes!!!

[FULL_METAL_HAT]

7. Bolas De cobre amarillo Grandes!!!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Colbert_Report_miscellania#Stephen_Colbert.27s_Big_Brass_Balls

Stephen Colbert's Big Brass Balls

Colbert presents his balls, an award for those having "muchos huevos grandes".This award first appeared on the February 9, 2006 Episode of The Colbert Report. The priapic trophy consists of two swinging golden balls, somewhat similar to a Newton's cradle.

Recipients of the Award include:

John Boehner
Elected as the new House Majority Leader to reform the House Republicans, who were "feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals", CNN revealed that Boehner rents an apartment from a lobbyist whose clients allegedly had an interest in legislation that he sponsored. Colbert supposes that as where Boehner lives is public record he therefore knew someone would find out, arriving at the conclusion that he didn't care, even though he ran on a platform of lobbying reform. This must, Colbert summarizes, have taken "muchos huevos grandes".

Knowing Colbert, he won't hesitate to award it to himself!! LOL

[Cronus Protagonist]

16. I have a message from Mr. Colbert's left testicle, OrbLeft - here it is

As Mr. Colbert's left testicle, I think I can speak for the right ball as well.

I have to say that while it was very brave of Mr. Colbert to expose us so boldly on national TV, it was also an egregious violation of the trust we placed in Him, Mr. Colbert (or "the Hand of God" as we affectionately call Him). However, we do forgive him, in the light of the resulting events.

I think we made it clear, at the time, to Mr. Colbert that we might let him know of our displeasure by releasing tremendous quantities of pain, so Mr. Colbert took quite a risk in going ahead anyway.

Expecting the worst, we both retracted deep into Mr. Colbert's pelvis just before the speech, but the Hand of God dug us out and stretched us out onto stage right despite our understandable trepidation. Then Mr. Colbert slapped us right into Mr. Bush's rather nasty looking face, making us unure if pain would be the correct response to the stimulous as sheer disgust took over.

We thought that being shoved so noticeably into Mr. Bush's face would be painful, but we quickly found out that we had only fear itself to fear as Mr. Bush took the entire enslaught not unlike the way a three legged pussy in the cage next to the execution chamber might take a petting at the pound.

We're sure he'll make some muscle-bound Iranian prisoner a great cellmate after he's tried for his crimes because he didn't even ask for a reach-around while being screwed in front of millions of laughing Democrats and appalled Republicans alike.

Despite our disgust at being exposed like that, and the dubious decision of Mr. Colbert's to go ahead with the slap-down, overall we think that Mr. Colbert's bravery is both laudible and commendable, and we were glad to play a large part in the execution of a distasteful, yet undoubtedly valuable mission.

I'd like to note, for the record, we were both actually tickled pink by the whole thing, and yes, we are very, very well hung, thank you very much.

Best wishes,

OrbLeft & OrbRight
Mr. Colbert's Testicles

[FULL_METAL_HAT]

8. 32643 Thank You's Now. n/t

[FULL_METAL_HAT]

9. an additional 200+ 32852 now ... in just 30 minutes! n/t

[FULL_METAL_HAT]

12. 34315 now. Wow! n/t

[n2doc]

30. over 45 thousand now! n/t

[Land Shark]

13. K&R, Indeed he did, saw it live, K&R

[deaniac21]

14. ..

[FULL_METAL_HAT]

21. OMFG This is HUGH1 ;^)

LOL

GREAT pic!

ROTFL

[One_of_8]

15. Even my 8 year old son was laughing at the video

It's just plain funny, even if you aren't political. One of the silly parts that made me laugh the hardest is after he reverses to leave the parking garage, then he yells "NOOOOOOOO!" again, then slowly the romote-control passenger window goes up.

[BeFree]

17. Ah yes, forever to be known as:

The Colbert Retort!

[ChiciB1]

18. i Was Very Impressed... Saw It On Comedy Central This AM...

was going to comment on it then, but I was sure someone would post.

Bet "the corrupt ones" are in a Pow Wow somewhere trying to figure out how to SHUT HIM UP! MSM didn't come through as well as they anticipated and Colbert just is sticking it to him!

LOVE IT!

[FULL_METAL_HAT]

20. Thank you's about to break 40k! -- 39932 Add yours now!

THANK YOU MR. COLBERT!

You are a TRUE patriot!

Don't stop!

Thank you sir may we have another?!

Looking forward to tonight's show!

[Kurovski]

22. The exchange with the attendant and the rollerskate bit were cut...

but I hope they keep finding ways to incorporate that evening into the show!

[Mr_Spock]

23. Now I say he has red-giant sized balls

I called them planet-sized previously :D

[rocktivity]

24. COLBERT (frantic): I'm out of here!

...Colbert has difficulty finding a door from which to exit the room, echoing Bush's experience in China.

AND Iraq...

:evilgrin:
rocknation

[twenty4blackbirds]

25. kick

so I can see it later

[midnight]

27. I have yet to see this man's video.

My pop up blocker prevents me from seeing this.

[Guaranteed]

28. Hee hee Sir Nerdlington....yeaaaah....

I think that's my favorite, too.

And "Sloppy Joe."

And the way he reacts to Helen. LOOK WHAT YOU DID, HELEN! I HATE YOU!

[FULL_METAL_HAT]

31. All the press nicknames are hilarious

Stretch! Sloppy Joe! Terry Lemon Moran Pie! Doubting Thomas! Suzanne Mal -- hello!!

But for some reason "Sir Nerdlington" just makes my belly laugh... Its a GUT reaction LOL

{B^> FMH

[Libby2]

29. I'm so in love with this man.

:loveya: :loveya: