Right-Wing Reader Mail: The Friday Fruitcakes

[Bob Geiger]

Well, it's Friday, which means it's time to look in the old Democratic Underground mailbag and see what conservative Nobel Laureate or general nutcase tries to give me my comeuppance this week.

In response to my article on George W. Bush doing an extensive photo opportunity at Dunkin' Donuts while he ignores our country's very serious problems, Mr. JIMSCH0207 writes…

YOU REALLY THINK THE PRESIDENT SHOULD'NT <sic> EAT DUNKIN DONUTS? IF WE ALL SUPORTED <sic> THE PRESIDENT WE WOULDN'T HAVE THESE PROBLEMS. THINK ABOUT IT, IF WE ALL STOOD BEHIND HIM AND SUPORTED <sic> HIM DO YOU THINK ANY NATION WOULD STAND A CHANCE OF PUSHING US AROUND? THEY ALL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF US NOT SUPORTING HIM. JUST THINK ABOUT IT.... HOW DOES IT GO? UNITED WE STAND - DEVIDED <sic> WE FALL.

UNITE - UNITED STATES - OR FALL,
THINK ABOUT IT! DO YOU WANT TO FALL?
LOOKS LIKE YOU DO!

And our little John Steinbeck ends with the tag line…

If you can read this thank a teacher, If it is English thank a soldier

To which I reply:

Dear Jim;

I always have a hard time answering e-mails like yours because I feel like successfully deciphering them would require me to down a bottle of bourbon, smoke a joint and hit myself in the head with a mallet multiple times. But I'll try and I'll do it in little chunks to make it easier for you to wrap your little Republican brain around.

- I'm guessing Mr. Bush's three-hour workday gives him lots of time to exercise and he looks quite fit so I actually think he should be allowed to eat as many donuts as he wants. But I believe that he could probably get them delivered to the White House -- I mean, being so close to President Cheney and all -- and use the saved time to focus on how badly he and Dick have screwed up our country.

- And just when I was about to call you on your assertion that "they all take advantage of us" because so many of us refuse to go along with the dictatorship, I did some homework and, much to my chagrin, I found out you're right. They all really are coming after us now. According to the U.S. Department of State, the Republic of Chad -- that's in Africa, Jim -- has threatened to bomb America back to the Stone Age unless we dramatically increase our imports of arabic chewing gum from them.

And that covert country of evil-doers, Liechtenstein, has contacted Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and said they will invade and annex all of Western Europe unless Rob Schneider is imprisoned and prohibited from making any more films.

And bands of Chinese youths, enjoying the proliferation of cell phones in their country, have been making prank calls to Bush at the White House and asking if he's "checked Dick Cheney's pacemaker lately."

Sure enough, the CIA reports that in all cases, they have evidence that this is all because of the 71 percent of us who do not support Bush.

When you're right, you're right, Jim.

- On your final question -- it's too late. I fell last weekend while mowing the lawn and got a nasty scrape on my shin. But thank you anyway.

Bob

P.S. If I have a difficult time reading your note because it's not really in functional English, who do I thank?


* * * * *

Ms. Janie0557 warmly writes…

You treasonous piece of garbage. Do you honestly believe that President Bush and Vice President Cheney are responsible for every death that has happened in Iraq in the last three years?

Dear Janie;

Yes.

Love,

Bob

* * * * *

Tune in next time for another edition of the Friday Fruitcakes. And, for you hateful, self-loathing Republicans – keep those cards, letter and e-mails coming.

You can reach Bob Geiger at [e-mail].

[Chemical Bill]

1. Since the first letter isn't in english...

I guess we don't have to thank a soldier for that one. But do you really think the writer will get the sarcasm?

Anyway, ROFLMAO, thank you.

Bill

[LynneSin]

2. I have one question for that first asshole

When Clinton joined other NATO countries in Kosovo to help stop the ethnic cleansing (a military function where at least we had not only a plan, but an exist strategy AND no US soldiers were killed during that manuever), was the writer of that first letter also behind President Clinton in his support.

:shrug:

[FSogol]

3. Is there anyway I can sign onto Liechtenstein's proposal? n/t

[sinkingfeeling]

4. Loved the second one! I had your answer pegged by the time I got to

her question mark! Way to go!!

[semillama]

5. Actually, your answer to the second question isn't technically correct

Since it doesn't account for the folks who have died of natural causes unrelated to the war and occupation. But otherwise, nice responses.