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Where’s Your Messiah Now?
A Message from Our Fearless Leader
(As Conveyed By Nancy Greggs)
Well, I guess the events of the past few days means that the few of you who still believe in my abilities as a leader have finally cottoned on to the idea that you have been royally had. And I’ve gotta ask, what took you so long?
Ever since that day I was first sworn into office, my hand on the Bible and my fingers crossed behind my back, I’ve been anticipating this moment. Heck, even I didn’t think it would take this many years, but I guess I mindunderestimated the stupidity of the average American citizen.
Oh, I know, I know. Contrary to what you’ve been told (about pretty much everything), I do look at those poll numbers. So I am aware that a lot of you have bailed over the past year or two. As for the rest of you, I can’t imagine what it’s gonna take to wake you up from this dream you’ve been having where I’m some kind of second coming.
Honestly, dudes. If YOU were God, would you have picked someone like ME to carry on your goodness in the world? For once in your life, try THINKING.
It all started with that whole Florida election fraud thing. I gotta level with you, even a mastermind like Jim Baker had his doubts that we’d actually pull that one off. But thanks to you simple folk believing I was honestly elected, there I was, President of the United States.
When we started handing out those tax cuts to the wealthy, I thought to myself, “Well, here’s where it all falls apart. Who’d be stupid enough to believe that giving folks like Dick Cheney a tax break was going to ‘stimulate the economy’?” But I’m willing to admit when I’m wrong (well, sometimes), and I was wrong on that one. You guys lapped it up like one of Bill Frist’s kittens lapping up their last bowl of cream before headin’ for the lab.
But then 9/11 happened and I thought, “Oh, shit, they’re on to me now.” There I was sitting reading ‘The Pet Goat’, looking like the idiot I am. But then someone on the staff got me to NYC, handed me a bullhorn, and the rest is – what do they call it? – yeah, history. And you just loved it!
So we did the Afghanistan thing, just to make it look good, but we was already planning on Iraq by then and that presented some problems.
Now, just between you, me and that Curveball fella, I figured y’all had me dead to rights when I trotted out that WMD nonsense. If I had a nickel for every time I said, “Hey, Rummy, they’re NEVER going to swallow THIS story,” I’d be even richer than I already am. Hook, line and sinker – that’s how Rummy told me you’d react, and you gotta give the man right when he’s right.
So there we were, off to Iraq right on schedule, and there you were flying your flags and getting on board with this whole ‘Democracy in the Middle East’ thing like you’d invented it yourselves. And you pretty much did, because it was the LAST thing on our minds.
But it’s not like it was smooth sailing from the get-go, let me tell you. We’d sucked up to those Fundie nutcases pretty good in terms of them making a show of it at the polls in both so-called ‘elections’, so I got pretty nervous about the whole Gitmo and Abu Ghraib torture thing we’d set up. I thought, well, there goes that born-again Christian schtick I’d worked on for years.
But again, the stupidity of some people amazes even me sometimes. There we were, waterboardin’, using dogs, even shipping people off to secret prisons right through international airports – and you STILL BELIEVED that whole ‘good Christian man’ crap that we’d been spoon-feeding you. Hot damn! Gonzo and I still laugh our asses off over that every time we get together for a couple of brewskies.
Truth be told (which don’t happen often with me), that whole Katrina thing caught us nappin’. I mean, who knew? Sure, sure, we’d had some yapping from people about how bad it might get, but we really didn’t picture THAT many people drowning and all. We figured a couple of hundred, tops! So I gotta level with you folks; I was sure you had me on that one.
But no, you just hung in there, looking up to me like your great f*#king leader, even when I sat there and played the Goddamned guitar while an entire American city was washed away. By that time, I knew that most of you die-hard supporters were triple-O stooopid, but Jesus H. Christ on a bike, the fact that you looked the other way on that fiasco just blew me away.
But as they say, that was then, and this is now. Iraq is pretty much a write-off, and Afghanistan was in the toilet from day one. And now there’s this crisis between Israel and – yeah, some other heathen country I can’t remember the name of, because quite frankly I don’t give a damn.
Anyway, I’m photographed having a sit-down with Putin, shit-faced, with a bottle of beer on the table in front of me, I’m driving around in a little golf-cart thingy smilin’ and wavin’ like the fool I am while the Middle East is threatening to blow up, and when I’m asked about it, I’ve got the balls to stand there and whine about how long do I gotta wait before I can chow down.
And still you believed. You believed I was the second coming while I lied to you, cheated you, handed your tax dollars to my buddies, bankrupted the country, tortured innocent people, and killed off those Iraqis you were dumb enough to think I was actually there to ‘liberate’.
You’re spending most of your miserable salary on gas to get to the jobs that are left only because they were too crappy to outsource, your kids are going to wind up working like peasants just to pay off the interest on the debts I’ve run up, and still you bow your heads when you say my name.
No wonder so many of you are praying for the Rapture – it’s your only way out of the hellhole I’ve created for generations to come.
Man, oh man. I’ve met some suckers in my time, but you jerks who are still looking up to me like your great messiah are giving me the big time hooboo-jeebies.
As for that roast pig I was on and on about while my little Roadmap to Peace thingy got turned on its ass, I’m bringing the leftovers back to the ranch. It won’t look like much after it’s been setting in the Texas heat for a while.
But for those few of you left who still think I’m something to write home about, come on down. I’ll just slap some lipstick on the damned thing, and I’m sure y’all will eat it up – just like you been doing all these years.
Your Great Leader (heh heh),
W
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