Bush Administration Announces Plans to Protect Sperm Cells

[Bjorn Against]

Washington (AP) – Fresh from their victory on protecting the lives of embryonic stem cells, the Bush Administration today announced plans to criminalize the destruction of sperm cells.

“We are a culture of life, and every sperm cell represents a potential human life” the President announced in his White House press conference. “Every time a man performs an ungodly act millions of sperm cells are killed needlessly, that is why we are pushing forward the Ann Coulter Sperm Cell Protection Act of 2006.”

The bill would ban any act that would produce semen which is not intended to impregnate a conservative Republican woman. In order to enforce the ban it would require that posters of Ann Coulter be placed in every bedroom across America. Researchers have found that only Bush supporters find Ann Coulter attractive, and everyone else who had to see a photo of it would not be able to perform any sexual act until the image was erased from their mind.

Ann Coulter released a statement saying, “I am glad to stand with George W. Bush to promote a culture of life.” Coulter then went on to suggest once again that John Murtha should be fragged.

The Republican National Committee said that the act proves that the tens of thousands of human beings killed in the Iraq war are not an issue. “Every sperm cell that is killed represents a potential human life, and most American men have killed more sperm cells than there were humans killed in the entire history of warfare. We promise the American people that we will save ten sperm cells for every one human we kill. That is a net gain of nine lives, because as with stem cells every sperm cell is the equivalent of a human life.”

Political experts said that the Bush Administration would have a difficult time banning the destruction of sperm cells. One prominent political analyst said “most sperm cells are destined for death as soon as they are ejaculated. Logically however, if you believe that stem cells must be saved because of their potential to create human life then it must follow that sperm cells need to be saved as well as they also have that same potential. This may be satire, but sometimes satire is much closer to reality than what we would like to believe.”

[rodeodance]

1. I got to the word ungodly in the 4th line, before I wised up.

[Redstone]

2. But, but, now the rightwing jerkoffs won't be able to jerk off anymore!

We need a Congressional inquiry on this.

Redstone

[Martin Eden]

3. Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great.

If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate!

[AusGail]

4. What a sad sight

I saw Michael J Fox on the news after Bush's veto. What a wonderfully entertaining actor Fox was in his day. What an extremely brave man he is today, speaking up against Bush's decision.

[Erika]

6. Coultergeist is saying he's using his victim status unethically.

If he really cared, he'd just shut and die, rather than exploiting his illness.

[zulchzulu]

7. Anthrax Ann will soon meet a fate that she rightly deserves

If karma works like it usually does, her days as a hateful wench are certainly numbered.

[Erika]

5. In the 14th century, masturbation was thought of as murder

and those found guilty could be executed for killing a possible life. W has rolled back the centuries.