A REAL Coalition of the Willing - Democratic Underground

NanceGreggs

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Sun Jul-23-06 09:01 PM
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A REAL Coalition of the Willing

A REAL Coalition of the Willing

A Letter to G.W. Bush
From Nancy Greggs

Yo, Georgie!

As always, it looks like you’re just itching for another war. I understand you’ve got your eye on Iran this time.

I know your staff are afraid to give you any bad news, so I’ve volunteered to lay it out for you.

You see, after the mess you’ve made of Iraq and Afghanistan, you’re not going to get too much support from the general populace. And to be perfectly candid, you’ve pretty much broken the bank, and we just can’t afford another fiasco right now.

But I’ve come up with an idea that could satisfy everyone, so please hear me out.

If you really think it’s necessary to invade Iran, I think you should do it – but on your own. Oh, I don’t mean completely alone; you could put together one of those ‘coalitions of the willing’ from among all of your supporters who think this is great idea, too.

Just get on the old blower and call your buddies: “Hey, my dad’s got some old uniforms out the in barn. Whadda ya say we put on a war!”

Now, due to the debt the country is in, the available finances for this junket are non-existent (but then YOU would know that better than anyone, right?) But you can always go to the people who you’ve made even richer with your tax cuts, and ask them to pony-up some moolah. They sing your praises all the time, so I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to dig deep into those pockets you’ve lined with cash.

You’re going to need to charter some helicopters to drop you and your coalition partners into Iran, and you can make your way from there on foot to the capital. It’s going to be a tough slog, but you’re so used to hard work, you won’t even notice the 110-degree temperatures. And it’s not like you’ll be bogged down with body-armor, because I understand there isn’t any available.

Carrying your own rations and water will be tricky, but you’ve got all kinds of pull with Halliburton, so maybe they can help you out there – but be warned, they’ve got a reputation for being VERY PRICEY when it comes to delivering their services.

Accommodations will be on the stark side, but that won’t bother an ol’ military vet like yourself. As for the others in the coalition, who might not take to sleeping on the ground and such, tell them we folks back home will arrange to send them a couple of FEMA trailers, just as quick as you got them to NOLA. That should lift their spirits.

As for the actual coalition, you can start with your own administration. I’m sure they’ll follow you anywhere, but there will be a few challenges to getting them completely on-board.

Take Cheney, for example. He’s known for asking for deferments when it comes to anything that resembles military duty. But maybe that’s just as well. Considering the Whittington fiasco, it might be safer to just leave him home.

As for Condi, I think she’d be into it, but you’re going to have to give her some advance notice. You know how she reacted during Katrina, and now with this thing in Lebanon – a little slow on the uptake, if you know what I mean. Besides, she’s going to need to be fitted for designer gear; no way she’d go into hand-to-hand combat wearing something off-the-rack.

Rumsfeld might squawk at first. But if you tell him he can personally torture any prisoners you take, he’ll sign-on before you can say ‘waterboarding’! (Word to the wise: DON’T let him do any of the actual ‘military planning’, if you get my drift.)

I know Rove won’t take much convincing – he’s always struck me as that manly, outdoorsy type. But food rations are going to be minimal, so to avoid any nastiness, you may want to reconsider his participation.

You know, you’ve just got so many people out there who go on and on all the time about how you should do this Iran thing, so you can pretty well pick and choose. There’s all of your neo-con buddies, like Kristol, Perle, Wolfowitz – sure, they’ve got regular jobs now, but invading and occupying Iran is going to take – what? A few weeks, tops? They can just take a leave of absence, and be home before anyone even notices they’re gone.

And don’t forget all of your media pals. Tell Limbaugh about the cool drugs out that way, and he’ll BE there. Ann Coulter, no problem getting her involved; here’s her chance to get some hands-on experience with forcing Muslims to covert to Christianity, just like she keeps saying. Pat Robertson? Give him a gun and tell him he can assassinate a world leader, instead of just praying for it!

O’Reilly will probably say he’s too busy gearing up for the upcoming War on Christmas 2006, but you can be pretty convincing when you want to be. Just make up some crap about there being chemical-lab trucks and drones that can deliver weapons – you know the shtick.

To fill out the ranks, I would suggest checking out some websites for likely coalition partners. Free Republic comes to mind; that site is just full of guys who were really gung-ho about the whole Iraq thing who, for some reason, never actually joined the military and went over there to help out. This could be the very thing they’ve been waiting for!

So there you will be, dressed up in a uniform just like the grown-ups wear, leading your Coalition of the Willing into the wilds of the Middle East, ready for action!

Man, that’s some pretty exciting shit, don’t you think?

While you’re actually there, we here at home won’t have any way of keeping in touch. So when you get to Tehran and take over the country, just send an email to your friend Ted Stevens. Once he clears out the tubes and downloads his internetz, he can send us the good news.

Oh, yeah – bon voyage! We’ll try not to miss you too much.