|
How To Be A "Good" Republican
1. You have to always be willing to point out that "adjusted for inflation, gas ISN'T the most expensive it's ever been!", but leave out that the only time it WAS this expensive was when there was a damn oil embargo on the U.S.
2. You have to believe that Bush won the popular vote in 2000.
3. You have to believe that those that lose popular votes should win elections.
4. You have to believe that Islamic countries are our enemies, but selling them arms to fund anti-Commie groups is okay.
5. You have to believe that when a woman is raped, it's usually her own fault.
6. You have to believe that the words "killing" and "conservation" are interchangable.
7. You have to believe that terrorism is spread by a lack of military spending.
8. You have to believe that we are a nation of laws and those who break the laws should be punished - unless it's your favorite politician or pundit.
9. You have to believe 9-11 happened because of Clinton.
10. You have to believe that when a liberal newspaper and a conservative newspaper break the same story, one is guilty of treason, and the other is...um...which paper?
11. You have to ignore the fact that "liberalism" and "fascism" are opposite concepts.
12. You have to believe that the USA, the strongest nation the world has ever seen, would have ceased to exist in 2 years if Kerry had become president.
13. You have to believe that moving US jobs overseas is good, but foreigners coming here to work is bad.
14. You have to believe that women should be put to death for taking the "morning-after" pill, whether or not you can prove she was ever pregnant.
15. You have to decry "big government", but sing the praises of the War on Drugs, corporate welfare, and the War on Gays.
16. You have to believe that flag burning is a major problem in America.
17. You have to go to church and say "Amen" when you hear messages about pacifism and charity, then go home, turn on the news, and yell "hell yeah" when you see a dead Arab, and "communist" when one penny of your check goes to help the needy.
18. You have to believe that everyone that sues doctors for malpractice is a Democrat.
19. You have to believe that Democrats suing for malpractice is the only factor driving up healthcare.
20. You have to believe that someone that went to Vietnam, was injured, came back and wrote a book is a traitor, but men that didn't bother going due to "other priorities" is a hero.
21. You have to feel the need to scream "sanctity of marriage" at homosexuals, but feel the need to scream nothing at people who have divorced, annulled, legally seperated, have a "trophy wife", or a mail-order bride.
22. You have to believe that sitting in a tree or in a boat for 8 hours drinking beer and shooting a dumb animal is a "sport".
23. You have to believe that the US hasn't been in any armed conflicts since WW2.
24. You have to think that guns, cigarettes, and alcohol are okay, but marijuana is bad.
25. You have to hate Osama, but not mind when the Prez escorts his family out of the country.
26. You have to believe that when Cheney has secret meetings with oil/energy companies, they're trading cookie recipes.
27. You have to think that showing concern about man's impact on the Earth makes you a lunatic.
28. You have to believe that dumping a trillion gallons of radioactive waste into the ocean is okay as long as it has a neat designation like "The Blue Water Act".
29. You have to believe that a democracy in Iraq will bring about peace in the Middle East.
30. You have to believe that Jeb Bush can correctly diagnose (or even spell) Persistent Vegetative State.
31. You have to believe that Damn Yankees were a good band and might get back together after Terd Nugget's self-inflicted chainsaw wound heals.
32. You have to believe that a zit on Rush's butt was a good reason for staying out of Vietnam, but an injured finger is treason.
33. You have to believe in "Free Trade", unless it is with Cuba, or unless people wan to trade US dollars for Canadian drugs.
34. You have to believe that people should have to pay for their own medical care, but they'd better not buy prescriptions from Canada.
35. You have to believe that the best use of taxpayer money is building a bridge to an island populated by 50 people.
36. You have to believe that pictures of slums in Cuba prove that communism doesn't work, but pictures of slums in America don't prove a damn thing.
37. You have to believe that a $100 billion inheritance shouldn't be taxed, but poor people should.
38. You have to believe that it's stupid to sue tobacco companies, but think that "Death With Dignity" is a crock.
39. You have to believe that anything done during wartime is justified, so when someone writes a book about soldiers cutting off ears and fingers, they're against the troops.
40. You have to believe that in the hazardous suburban warzone that is your neighborhood, you have a need for an assault weapon that shoots 10,000 rounds per second.
41. You have to believe that it's not a bad thing when a policeman pulls over someone that has an assault weapon that shoots 10,000 rounds per second in their car.
42. You have to believe that people's living wills should be carried out...unless they ask to NOT be kept alive while clinically brain dead.
43. You have to belieev that kids will stop having sex if there aren't any condoms around.
44. You have to whine that US schools are outshined by other countries schools because of socialist and communist teachers, but ignore the fact that the schools outshining ours lie in socialist and communist countries.
45. You have to support government standardized testing in colleges.
46. You have to believe that going to Vietnam was a great idea, but ignore the fact that there are 93,000 homeless Vietnam veterans in the country.
47. You have to believe that liberals are to blame for your kid failing in school.
|
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
