Director of lessons learned, sort of (and other possible WH positions)

[ProSense]

Director of lessons learned, sort of

By Dan Moffett

Palm Beach Post Columnist

Sunday, July 30, 2006

No administration in the nation's history has had more opportunity to learn from its mistakes than the Bush White House.

In fact, the president takes the quest for improvement so seriously that he has hired a "director of lessons learned." Someone who goes by the name Stuart Baker works out of the Department of Homeland Security and pulls in $106,641 a year to advise the administration on how to do things better.

Snip...

A director of lessons learned knows now, after Katrina, that administrators of Arabian horses probably don't make good disaster managers. Michael Brown might have performed well as a fact-checker but should not have been allowed to run FEMA. The director also understands that it's probably a bad idea to give German heads of state neck massages and address British prime ministers with "Yo." The director also knows it's best to wait in the car when Mr. Cheney goes bird hunting.

The success of the director of lessons learned will pave the way for the creation of other highly specialized positions at the White House:

Director of hyperbole - Must be able to talk about weapons of mass destruction and terrorists in a really scary way and mispronounce nuclear.

Director of paradox - Must be able to explain how a presidential veto of stem-cell research advances the cause of protecting life. Is a heartbeat removed from the director of irony.

Director of rosy scenarios - Can predict victory in Iraq, cure for cancer, $1 gasoline and end of global warming without getting derailed by facts. Must be able to discredit movie star Al Gore without mentioning movie star Al Gore.

Director of aspersions - Tastefully casts disparaging remarks at deserving subjects. Reports to the director of character assassinations.

Director of cover stories - Oversees research and development of White House excuses and blame deflection. Runs the Department of Plausible Deniability. Must be able to make the case that ExxonMobil would be making $4.7 million an hour in a Democratic administration, too.

Director of common sense - Supervises the two ethics advisers. Sets policy that accepting bribes and telling lies without good reason or written permission is often wrong.

Director of patriotism - Promotes devotion to the flag, national anthem, pledge of allegiance and major-league baseball, but most important, questions the loyalties of political enemies. Oversees budget of the director of aspersions and works closely with the director of hyperbole.

http://www.palmbeachpost.com/opinion/content/opinion/epaper/2006/07/30/a2e_moffettcol_0730.html