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SSSHHHH! (Memo smuggled out of the WH!)
By Nancy Greggs
Apparently a kitchen staffer at the White House found this on the fridge door, secured by a “Support the Troops” magnetic ribbon:
Georgie:
Now that Mommy and I have agreed to come and live with you at the WH (in yet another effort to save your sorry ass, as we have traditionally done) you are technically living under our roof.
Therefore, you WILL obey the following House Rules until further notice:
Other than necessary public appearances, you are hereby grounded. That means NO telephone and NO internetz! And don’t think you can sneak behind our backs on that one – we know how to wire-tap, too.
When you ARE allowed out, you will stand up straight instead of slouching, and will stop that incessant ‘heh-heh’ cackling. The whole world now knows you’re an IDIOT – you don’t have to go proving the point every time you open your mouth.
Mommy has hired a tutor, who you WILL spend four hours with each and every day. Until you learn how to properly pronounce words like ‘nuclear’, you will not be permitted to threaten anyone, anywhere, at any time. Got it, bub?
The very next time you use a word like “strategery”, or refer to “people putting food on their families” in public, you will have your mouth washed out with SOAP! Mommy spent a fortune on your E-D-U-C-A-T-I-O-N (NOT “edumacation”!), and she is tired of being embarrassed. Doesn’t the poor woman have enough worries on her beautiful mind, without THIS?
There will be NO MORE sleepovers! And yes, that includes that Jeff Gucki character – the one who keeps changing his name. There’s something strange about that guy; he gives both me and Mommy the willies, and it looks like he’s been over here WAY too often anyway. This ban also includes that bin Laden fella – and you can tell him to get all of that videotaping junk out of the rec room, PRONTO! Jesus, you can’t even shoot a game of pool down there without tripping over those crappy “cave” sets you two wasted so much time building.
Mommy and I will now be THE DECIDERS when it comes to your playmates. It is obvious that despite our warnings, you’ve been hanging around with the ‘wrong’ crowd. We tried to get you to be best friends with Tony, that nice Limey kid, but you screwed it up – just like you screw everything up.
Uncle James is here to save your bacon – yet again. You will refrain from calling him by any of your cutesy nicknames. He is Mr. Baker or “sir”. I thought you learned your lesson when the Fundies found out they were referred to as ‘wackos’ and ‘wingnuts’ – don’t you EVER learn anything?
You will NOT take Air Force One out “cruising” on Friday nights with the excuse that you and your friends are just “hanging out”. Mommy and I weren’t born yesterday. We KNOW what Zig-Zags are used for, and we KNOW that stuff on the little mirrors is NOT an anthrax sample. We have also marked the levels on all of the J&B bottles, so don’t even go there!
Out of deference to Laura, “Barney” can stay – but that other pudgy dog, the one you call “Rover”, will HAVE TO GO! Mommy wants to have him ‘put down’, but I am willing to give him away – assuming it’s even possible to find someone willing to give a home to such a vicious, ugly mutt.
No, you cannot have a new country, so you can cross that OFF your Christmas list right now. You had two new countries to play with, and you broke both of them – and that’s not even including the one we’re living in.
Stop teasing your brother with that, “Nani, nani, I have a job and you don’t,” crap. If it wasn’t for Jebbie, YOU wouldn’t have a job either.
The Oval Office WILL be cleaned up immediately! That means all Lego will be picked up off the floor, Star Wars action figures will be put away, and coloring books will be stacked neatly in the appropriate cubby. It’s bad enough everyone here at the White House KNOWS you don’t actually do any ‘work’ – do you have to make it so Goddamned obvious?
Speaking of the Oval Office, that G.I. Joe wallpaper will be replaced NOW! Just how long do you think Mommy can keep photographers out of there? If you’re so enamored of the military, why didn’t you SHOW UP for duty instead of making Mommy write all of those, “Please excuse Georgie from the Viet Nam War today, because …” notes?
You will NOT contradict direct orders from me, Mommy, or anyone else now in charge by saying, “I don’t HAVE TO listen, because I’m the President and you’re not.” Guess what? YOU’RE NOT EITHER. At this point, that title is just a technicality.
All of the above rules will be OBEYED. You have been an unbelievable disappointment from the day you were born. We realize now that thinking that would ever change was just a baseless illusion – kind of like the baseless illusion that the Republicans would win the mid-term elections.
Junior, I’ve said it before, and I will say it again: YOU ARE AN IDIOT!
Love and Kisses,
Mommy & Poppy
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