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Perhaps parody of funny songs should not be comical. The following parody is deadly serious. While most of this parody has no basis in reality, fiber-glass Humvees rigged with makeshift armor were common in Iraq, until only a few months before the last national elections in America. Prescription drug use by our troops is another reality, which remains the most common method for keeping combat fatigued troops in action.
UNEASIEST RIDER OF ALL
After being deployed across the sea.
I was toolin along in a fiber-glass Humvee
Rocking with a big-gun and diggin on the radio
Just as I crossed the Baghdad Hot-line
I felt a chill run up my spine
'Cause I knew that left rear shock was about to go
We'd rigged sheet-metal on the doors last night
Cause ridding in fiber-glass ain't too bright
So we just shut it down there, as things were looking dim
We coasted along but while stopping the truck...
crap started explodin, before we could duck
We saw cover or luck, in a small shack but who was a-lurkin within?
I stuffed a fresh clip in my M-16
And as we kicked in the door, they all started to scream
Then a newbie cut lose, his skull-split brains all a-spin
I wish smoke still hid a sight, too sad to see
Cause everyone was dead, cept for him and me
Then he died too, when he saw that dead baby
I ran to the radio, with my own head feeling dazey
And called for support but their reply sounded crazy
Still, they said they'd get someone up there in ten minutes or so
It said," Now, just keep quiet and stay right where you are!
Cause we're sending you some help, in a special armored car
With special folks who'll help your new career grow."
Then, I took a pill, to forget that gorey show
As a guy came a-quizin, "Where'd those terrorists go?
They shot all these folks and that's all you need to know!"
As he looked at me a-smilin, I broke right down and cried
The dead-eyes staring at me, made me want to wait outside
Then, vanish like evidence, I was watching them create or hide
Just when I thought I'd get outta there with my skin
Three dudes in black come strollin in
And a chick taking notes, with eyes as cold as ice
Now, I figured I'd stay cool and play real nice
Before body count changed, as I payed the price
Especially with my squad lying so far away from our ride
I was almost to the door when the guy in charge
Said, "Did they shoot in bursts or one big barrage?"
All I did was sob, while looking at our dead sarge
They all started laughin and I felt kinda sick
And I knew I better think of something pretty quick
So I just reached out and kicked a contractor right in the gut
While he moaned, I said "see that woman over there?
Well, she said a few things before dying in her chair."
And I said "So watch him folks cause he's makin a dangerous plan!"
"You may not know it but this man gets more pay.
He's a undercover agent for the CIA
And he's been sent out here to infiltrate Halliburton's game!"
He was still bent over holdin onto his gut
While everybody else was listening to me save my butt
And I laid it on thicker and heavier as I went...
"He's a friend of them bearded, Muslim-types, in the rags!
I betchya he's even got their insurgent flags
tacked to the wall inside his private underground garage."
"He's a snake in the sand and it ain't no joke.
He may look dumb but his disguise fools most folk,
Cause he's a mastermind in the ways of sabotage"
"Would you believe this man plans to kill me too?
After you clean up this mess, he'll start killing you.
Even worse, he supports ole Kerry for President!"
They started lookin self-rightously pissed at him
Then he jumped up and said "Now just wait a minute Jim!
You know he's lying no one gets a private garage!"
"I'm a faithful follower of Brother Dick Cheney
And the sand makes my new car just as grainy.
As the vettes you park outside after steaks nearly every night!"
Then he started saying something bout my bloody uniform
But I didn't wait around to hear his scorn
I was too busy moving and hoping they'd left keys in their truck
When I hit the door I heard a loud crack
As they shoot their leader right in the back
So I threw down my gun and jumped in and fired that mother up
Old Dick Cheney woulda sure been ashamed
Of the way they left all those papers that named...
him as the one who ordered both cover-up and clean sweep
Now I guess I shoulda gone ahead and split
But somehow I just couldn't forget their shit
So I turned her around to put some freaks to sleep
Well, the last one standing, grabbed a radio
And just to help them hide our horror show
I spun her around, as my bumper landed square
I had them all out there bleedin and screamin
Like a bear snaggin salmon, school was out but still teamin'
Yep, I split, right then, before I had time to care
When I hit the road I was really freakin
As I read a report, I'd soon be leakin
And I didn't slow down till I was almost to Pakistan
I'd say to those folks about to join
Save your time and just flip a coin
If it's heads, shoot your head off, right there, where you stand
War ain't marchin in a big brass band
And those who've been there rarely find it grand
Hit the beach without sunscreen, if you want to die in the sand
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