Making the World Safe for Terrorism: bin Laden Must Try Harder

[Walter Brasch]

WANDERINGS, by Walter Brasch
[e-mail]
for release: after Dec. 28, 2006


Making the World Safer for Terrorism

by Walter Brasch

	Deep in a cave or high on a mountain, in Pakistan or
Afghanistan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan or, maybe, sunning on the
French Riviera, is a furious Osama bin Laden.
	“Infidels!” he screamed to his aide.
	“Yes,” said the Aide reassuringly, “that is truly what the
Great Satan is.”
	“How dare them!” stammered the financier and leader of
al-Qaeda.
	“What is it this time?” asked the Aide. “Did they capture one
of our thousand great and glorious deputy leaders? Did they
reduce the violence outside of Baghdad?”
	“Worse! They made Bush Number 1!” He looked directly at his
Aide. “Do you know how disgraceful that is?!”
	“I do not understand, Oh Great and Wonderful Courier of
Absolute Wisdom.”
	“Bush!” said bin Laden, sputtering out the word. “He’s the
most despised man in America.” The Aide tried his best to
suppress a laugh, but a giggle left his dried lips. “Do not
mock me, you son of a camel driver,” said bin Laden who turned
his computer screen to his Aide. “There!” he commanded. “Seek
wisdom through your own eyes.” And there, before the Aide was
the latest AP–AOL poll. One-fourth of all Americans declared
that George W. Bush is the Biggest Villain of 2006. Osama bin
Laden was far behind, with only 8 percent of the vote. “Four
times worse than me!” said bin Laden, almost choking on his
words. 
	“But, Oh Mighty Force For Dissolving the Social Order, you
have launched wars. You have brought about terror. You have
disregarded human rights and shredded the written laws of more
than two centuries. You alone have given new interpretations
to our Holy Book.”
	“And so has that Sand Flea Upon a Camel’s Ass,” said bin
Laden, “and he’s done it four times better.”
	“But you have been able to do it without a press corps
regurgitating your propaganda. You know how the media always
inflate someone’s worth.” It didn’t help.
	“I was once the most wanted man in the world,” said bin
Laden. That Dung Beetle on the Droppings from a Bloated Goat
put 10,000 of his troops into Afghanistan. He said he’d hunt
me down and bring me before his witch trials.” Bin Laden wiped
a small tear. “But then he changed his mind, put his own
weapons of mass destruction into Iraq and forgot about me.
It’s as if I don’t matter.”
	“Please do not cry,” said the Aide, “by invading Iraq, he
opened a new land where you could unleash your terror!”
	“Bush! It’s always Bush! You don’t think I could have gone
into Iraq if I wanted to, killed Saddam, and made the world
safe for terrorism without Bush?! Is that what you think?”
	“Never in a thousand years, Almighty Benefactor of the Weak
and Poor. I would never criticize you. Please don’t kill me.
Saddam kept you out, but only because you allowed it. If you
wanted to go to Iraq, you would have gone there long before
the Great Satan invited our glorious revolution to do battle,
and we would have been the first to destroy the 3,000 year
civilization of that country.”
	“Praise Allah! Allah is with us! Allah Bless al-Qaeda!”
	“That’s the spirit,” said the Aide. Here’s even better news.
The American With the Constant Smirk is also the most praised
American.”
	“Do you take me for a fool!?” thundered bin Laden. “I can
read and analyze statistics better than that Fool of a Mixed
Malaprop. Only 13 percent of Americans say he’s the Biggest
Hero of 2006. That’s only half of all who say he’s the Biggest
Villain.”
	“That shows you how foolish those Americans are,” said the
Aide. “He creates a war—and that is good—but he stays behind
the battle, like he always has done, and while his troops are
sweating and dying, while they’re eating condensed sand, he’s
in an air-conditioned villa in Texas and eating barbequed
mourning doves, which he just killed.”
	“He’s even better than me at killing birds of peace,” said a
lugubrious bin Laden.
	“Mighty one, you have shown your power to spare the smallest
of sparrows, as Allah has so ordered, while launching a jihad
against the heretics.” 
	“That is true. And I should not forget that those foolish
Americans not only made their workers, the soldiers of the
desert, only the Number 2 Heroes, they . placed Oprah as the
third Biggest Hero!”
	“That’s the spirit, oh Wise and Noble Warrior. The Americans
are nothing if not shallow.” 
	Bin Laden again looked at his Aide, a smile emerging. “Bush
may have helped make the world safe for terrorism, but in two
years, he will no longer be President, and I will again regain
the honor of being the Worst Villain. Prepare for my
coronation.”

	[Walter Brasch’s current books are America’s Unpatriotic
Acts: The Federal Government’s Violation of Constitutional and
Civil Rights,; ‘Unacceptable’: The Federal Response to
Hurricane Katrina; and Sex and the Single Beer Can: Probing
the Media and American Culture. They are available through
amazon.com and other on-line sources. You may contact Dr.
Brasch, professor of journalism at Bloomsburg University, at
[e-mail], or through his website,
www.walterbrasch.com.]