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Housebound Heroes
By Nancy Greggs
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I think it’s a crying shame that the people who could whip Iraq into shape and kick terrorist butt into the stratosphere are stuck behind radio microphones, TV talk-show desks, and the furnace rooms of their mothers’ basements.
We have waited too long for true heroes to stand up and do what needs to be done, and the fact that these men-of-action are hog-tied by their PR commitments, speaking engagements, broadcasting schedules, or paper-routes is an affront to every John Wayne movie-lover in the nation.
One can only imagine how humiliating it is for people like Wolfowitz and Perle to watch from the windows of their luxurious offices as other, lesser men don their kevlar vests (when available) and head for action.
Straining at their pom-pom shackles, having been ignobly consigned to the role of mere cheerleaders in the very war they so carefully crafted, too many red-blooded patriots have been left languishing in boardrooms or studios, their fierce fighting spirit held hostage by corporate responsibilities.
It is time to put an end to the madness, and unleash the Dogs of War; those whose threatening snarls would undoubtedly evolve into vicious, fatal attacks on our nation's foes, if only given free rein.
As an American citizen, I hereby demand that men of courage and conviction like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly be released from their broadcasting contracts immediately, and be permitted to hunt down the enemy they have spoken so strenuously against, and apparently know so well.
In the name of national security, I insist that those who have held Bill Kristol and David Frum back from taking up arms and headin’ to Baghdad cease and desist immediately. Does their unwavering support of the Surge not demonstrate how anxious they are to be in the thick of things, fighting side-by-side with the troops, there to join in the celebrations when the victory they are so sure of is declared?
I call upon the mothers of keyboard commandoes everywhere to cut the apron-strings, and let their sons join up and ship out. These fine youngsters have been chompin’ at the bit to get over there and actually do the insurgent ass-whoopin’ they’ve only been permitted to post message board threads about. Surely they have earned the right to serve on the front lines instead of just on-line, finally freed from the restraints of their patriotic but over-protective mommies.
Of course there are those bravest of the brave who will, by necessity, need to remain Stateside – much to their disappointment, but for the safety of the homeland.
When we stop fighting ‘em over there and they all head over here, I want to know that Glenn Beck will be available to dispatch those crazed terrorists in hand-to-hand combat as they try to take over our all-you-can-eat diners, our video rental outlets, our shopping malls.
And should there be another episode of campus violence, we can all sleep a lot better knowing that Neal Boortz is at-the-ready, willing and more than able to wrestle a crazed gunman to the ground, saving countless lives as he risks his own safety for his fellow citizens.
In times such as these, each must do his part – and that means allowing those who are so righteously committed to this war to follow their hearts, unfettered by any perceived obligation to keep us educated and entertained.
As gut-wrenching as it might be to do without the radio rabble-rousers, the talk-show militia, the powerhouse pundits, and the boys-who-would-be-men that lurk in the rec-rooms of America, now is the time for all big mouths to come to the aid of their country.
Farewell, we salute you – and we will bravely try to muddle through in your absence.
It won’t be easy, but it’s a sacrifice millions of Americans are truly willing to make.
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