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By Nancy Greggs
A short summary of recent history, according to the Good Ol’ Republican Party:
George W. Bush was the perfect choice for president in 2000. The fact that he was an academic failure in college was a sign that even as a young man, he aspired to higher things than book learnin’ – things like someday running a country.
During the Viet Nam years, George single-handedly kept Texas safe from the enemy, and honorably completed his military duty, despite the fact that not a single record of that completion has ever been found.
As governor of Texas, the many executions that took place during his tenure cemented his reputation as a man of law and order. Feeling bound by the sentences imposed by judges and juries, Bush undoubtedly prayed fervently for the departed souls of the dead – in solitude, because he is not the kind of man who makes a public display of his faith.
Once installed in the Oval Office, Bush immediately insisted on tax-cuts for the wealthiest citizens in an effort to encourage all Americans to work harder, become rich, and thereby become eligible for tax-cuts, too.
Calling himself “a Uniter”, Bush’s efforts to unite all good Christian Republicans against the evil godless Democrats were wildly successful, In addition, he has been able to unite world opinion against the United States. As a result, major US cities no longer have to worry about being overrun with foreign tourists, and good Americans everywhere can enjoy their Freedom Fries in peace and quiet.
Surely the events of September 11, 2001, will go down in history as Bush’s finest hours. Undaunted by being told the country was under attack, he simply continued reading along with a classroom full of children, keeping a cool head while all of those around him were frantically trying to secure the country. He even stopped for photos with the kids before leaving to attend to the nation’s business, ever mindful of his obligation to leave no child behind.
In the aftermath of 9-11, Bush realized the urgency of doing whatever was necessary to fight the War on Terror against the Axis of Evil – i.e. a war on a concept waged against three countries that had nothing to do with 9-11 at all. These measures included the passing of the Patriot Act, which would ensure the government’s ability to jail anyone who didn’t take George W. Bush’s form of patriotism seriously.
Ignoring the advice of intelligence and military advisors, Bush launched the War on Iraq (aka The Liberation of Iraq) on the basis that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. The WMDs were never found, however; obviously Saddam immediately shipped his vast arsenal to neighboring countries rather than use them to protect his own nation. Millions of tons of weapons were spirited out of the country, undetected, overnight; others were sold at yard sales along the border.
Bush lost no time in putting together a coalition of the willing, comprised of many countries that no one had ever previously heard of. Each partner nation did what it could; some sent soldiers and military equipment, while others contributed much-needed items like candied fruit and those little packages of Ritz crackers filled with peanut-butter and/or edible cheese food product.
As predicted, the invasion went like clockwork; US soldiers were met with sweets and flowers, and the victorious president declared Mission Accomplished in a quiet ceremony aboard an aircraft carrier. The media, somehow tipped off about the event, showed up at the last minute with TV cameras and technical crews, and managed to turn the affair into a photo-op circus – much to the chagrin of the man who has repeatedly been thwarted in his attempts to shun the limelight.
Once underway, the liberation of Iraq proved hugely successful. By allowing rampant looting to go unchecked, including that of the national museum, many ordinary Iraqi citizens were able to supplement their income by selling their nation’s priceless artifacts on eBay.
Anxious to introduce modern western ideas in the backwards country, college fraternity-type hazings were a daily event at Abu Ghraib – and except for those who died in the process, a good time was had by all.
Having been promised that their ravaged country would be rebuilt, Baghdad citizens were heartened to see the US Embassy rising in their midst, complete with air conditioning, swimming pools, generators and water filtration systems. It reminds them that they, too, might someday have luxuries like electricity and clean drinking water – just like they did before we got there.
Corporations like Halliburton more than made up for the lack of body and vehicle armor by supplying towels embroidered with the KBR logo – an expensive but welcomed luxury in the midst of combat.
Billions of dollars have gone missing in the fog of war, but they have undoubtedly found their way into the hands of deserving Iraqi citizens – who can now buy back their nation's ancient artifacts as soon as they show up on eBay, along with a classic 1959 Barbie in mint condition and a Singin' Bass wall clock.
The Iraqi liberation has had its problems. A handful of insurgents, knowing they are in their last throes, continue to wreak havoc and chaos. This has led to the administration’s insistence that Iraq demonstrate it is capable of progress in quelling such violence by giving their oil to the fine folks at Exxon as a show of good faith.
Over the years, Bush has demonstrated his uncanny ability to inject a playful lightheartedness into situations fraught with overly-serious discussions about world problems, often acting the buffoon at major conferences in order to prove that laughter is indeed the international language.
Who will ever forget the hilarity that ensued when George carried on a conversation with Tony Blair with a mouthful of food? Who can argue that world-wide hunger, drought, disease and poverty have been eased by Bush’s a little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants philosophy?
Not even the worst nay-sayer can fault Bush’s reaction to Hurricane Katrina. Once convinced by his closest advisors that New Orleans was actually a US city, George sprung to action by leisurely continuing his vacation, keeping the country calm during a time of major disaster.
Finally, in an unprecedented move, Bush cut his vacation short by twenty-three minutes and hastily arranged for a series of NOLA photo-ops that captured the imaginations of those who hadn’t already drowned.
But Bush’s crowning achievement will always be his ability to keep the country safe after the attacks of 9-11.
Having learned that ignoring all of the warnings of an imminent attack on US soil before it took place might not be such a hot idea, the president became vigilant in securing all US borders (except those with Canada and Mexico), and has implemented security measures that ensure no one will ever hijack a US flight by bringing baby formula or bottled water onto an airplane loaded with un-inspected cargo in its hold.
George W. Bush will undoubtedly go down in history as a man of vision and integrity, a true leader who foresaw the necessity of disposing of the very freedoms the terrorists hate us for, who foresaw that the gutting of the American treasury, the back-breaking national debt, the destruction of the middle-class, the outsourcing of jobs, and the dismantling of the Constitution were trivial matters when compared to the ongoing fight against the enemy – an enemy he knows better than anyone, having created that enemy himself.
The Democratic nit-pickers will continue their campaign against George W. Bush, his administration, his policies, his tactics. But in the end, he will undoubtedly be long remembered by the party that now wishes it had never supported him in the first place.
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