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President Bush made his republican supporters proud yesterday, when he gave one of the most ridiculous, out-of-touch with reality explanations of why Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned in disgrace: the democrats had dragged his good name through the mud for political purposes. The "heck of job, Brownie" business paled in comparison to this muddled nonsense.
Did James Comey drag Gonzales through the mud as part of this vast left-wing conspiracy? Dink Cheney, the fearless leader of Libby Liberation Front, thinks so. Rumors abound about a return of Karl Rove, in an attempt to put the proper spin on this entire episode.
Rove is reportedly going to have the Leader in Chief make a baseball analogy out of this, in order to win the hearts and minds of the day-to-day Americans. Using the Barry Bonds model, Rove will have the president say that the democrats are quite simply jealous of the fact that Alberto Gonzales stole home plate, and has become the record-holder of the All-Time-Worst Attorney General of the United States.
If only there was a federal pen in Cooperstown.
The Babe Ruth of corrupt Attorney Generals was the Sultan of Slime, John N. Mitchell. His reputation began when his name appeared in a deposition regarding Robert Vesco, a fugitive financier fleeing from a federal indictment. Big Mitch and pinch-hitter Maury Stans were indicted for obstructing an investigation of Vesco, apparently due to a $200,000 donation to the Nixon trust fund. But the case struck out, when both criminals were acquitted in federal court.
Mitchell made history in the Watergate episode, however, and ended up serving more than a year and a half in the federal bull pen. He set the record for Attorney Generals being convicted on charges including conspiracy, perjury, and obstruction of justice. Democratic die-hard fans of Mitchell have obvious reasons for resenting the fact that Gonzales seems even more corrupt than Mitchell, and they appear to have forced him out of office before he could pass Big Mitch’s records.
The Henry Aaron of the Reagan era was Edwin "Bullwinkle" Meese III. Ed always had an ability to ability to fabricate doubles and triples, but he may have hit one of the most important grand slams of tarradiddle with his classic 1985 speech demanding "jurisprudence of original intent." Those democratic activists William Brennan and John Paul Stevens attacked Meese’s batting practices, and who can forget the smears on His Honesty Robert Bork, based on rumors of steroid abuse?
Meese’s grasp of the Constitution was perhaps best displayed in May of 1969, when he advised California Governor Reagan to ignore the Berkeley City Council, and to declare a state-of-emergency while cracking down on American citizens attempting to exercise Amendmend 1 rights. Heck of a job, Meesie!
Meese also led the fight against pornography when he appointed the infamous "Meese Commission." The sex-crazed democrats showed their true colors when they savaged Meese’s attempts to coordinate efforts to clean American gutters with his Organization of Religious Groups Against Smutty Material (ORGASM), which they claimed violated the separation of church and state.
But Edwin made it big in the history books when he was recognized in Final Report of the Independent Counsel for Iran/Contra Matters as having been a central violators of the very laws he had sworn to uphold. In Chapter 31, we read: "Meese knew that the 1985 HAWK transaction … raised serious legal questions. The President was potentially exposed to charges of illegal conduct if he was knowledgeable of the shipment …. When Meese got answers in his inquiry that did not support his defense of the President, he apparently ignored them, as he did with Secretary of State George P. Shultz’s revelation on November 22 that the President had told him that he had known of the HAWK shipment in advance."
It is hard for Americans to see a Johnnie-come-lately shatter the records of past heroes. Men like Mitchell and Meese set the bar high. The simply truth is, that no matter what poor behavior can be properly attributed to democrats, they don’t have anyone who comes close to the pathology of these republicans of old. And here comes Alberto Gonzales, an apparent minor-league player, setting new records for outright corruption! Thus, the president is correct in attributing the democratic attacks of James Comey and Arlene Spectator on what Newt Gingrich calls pure, unadulterated jealousy.
Play ball!
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