United States Grammar School
Report to Parents – Final Term
Dear Mr. and Mrs. G.H.W. Bush:
As you are undoubtedly aware, although we have contacted you in the past (
Interim Report,
Term II Report) with respect to your son Georgie’s failing grades and poor behavior, we have yet to receive any response – other than a rather terse note from Mrs. Bush about not bothering her beautiful mind with such unpleasantness.
That being said, we have no choice but to now insist that you
remove your child from our institution as soon as possible.
You will recall that after Georgie’s lackluster academic performance in Term I, we were assured by the then-current school board, (who tended to have a
rubber-stamp type of attitude), that once Georgie was given wider latitude in his role as Class President, all would run smoothly.
Alas, this proved very quickly not to be the case.
Perhaps a few examples of Georgie’s behavior will illustrate our point: young Bush still refuses to address any school assemblies that do not consist
solely of his hand-picked classmates; he has instructed the hall monitors to
detain other students for indeterminate periods of time
without notification to their parents; he has been caught spying on other students’ test papers; he has now surpassed the school’s record for absenteeism.
In addition, our previous warnings about Georgie’s poor choice of friends have gone unheeded. He continues to associate with a schoolyard gang who call themselves
The PNACers, and does their bidding without regard to the consequences. This gang is known for encouraging fisticuffs between students – however, it should be noted that they themselves
never actually participate in the violent disputes they initiate.
Georgie has also persisted in his relationships with Dickie Cheney (who we believe to be in the same grade as your son, although he keeps changing his story about which class he is a member of), and Bertie Gonzales – who, as a result of his corrupting influence on the student body is no longer a student here, despite the fact that he claims to have no recollection of being expelled.
The most troubling aspect of Georgie’s academic failures is the lack of completion of his Term I school project,
The Liberation of Iraq. Although he assured his teachers when he undertook the assignment that it would be completed in a timely manner, it has yet to be handed in.
As is the usual procedure, Georgie was given a small budget for project supplies, but kept coming back with excuses as to why he required further funds. When asked where the money was being spent, he often referred to dollars having
gone missing in the
fog of the schoolyard.
It has been noted, however, that many of Georgie’s friends have acquired expensive new bikes, DVDs, and video-game equipment since Georgie undertook this assignment.
The completion of this project is now alarmingly overdue, but Georgie continues to insist that his teachers
be patient as he surges ahead with what he assures us will be a spectacularly successful accomplishment – if and when it is ever finalized.
We would remind you that Georgie
chose this particular assignment, and could have opted to spend his time and effort, and the classroom budget, on far more worthwhile projects.
Furthermore, Georgie continues to break school rules and, when caught in the act of doing so, puts his fingers in his ears and yells, “
Nanny-nah-nah, executive privilege, executive privilege!” He also insists that he hears a
voice in his head, which he attributes to God directing him to be destructive and abusive in the extreme.
Georgie’s academic performance – having now failed
all of his classes (
Economics, World History, Diplomacy, Military Strategy, etc. ) – is the lowest we have ever seen since the school started keeping records of such statistics.
We urge you to avoid the
unpleasantness which would ensue from Georgie’s forced expulsion by advising him to voluntarily leave our facility as expediently as possible.
In closing, we would point out the obvious: Georgie’s
legacy as a result of his years here will be nothing less than disastrous. Despite this irrefutable fact, he is currently talking about being handsomely remunerated in future for speaking about his many “accomplishments” during his tenure with our institution.
Not to put too fine a point on it, we would be grateful
not to be associated in any way with Georgie once he has departed our venerable school and, to avoid further embarrassment, we strongly suggest that you advise your son accordingly.
Yours Truly,
Ms. J.Q. Public
Assistant Principal
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