Whitehouse.org: Bush "Desperately Spinning the Clusterf**k That is Vietraq" (satire)

[Amerigo Vespucci]

President Addresses Nation on the Way Forward to Surging Back Towards Desperately Spinning the Clusterfuck That is Vietraq



http://www.whitehouse.org/news/2007/09/surge2.asp

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening. In the life of all imperialistic military empires, there come brief, fleeting moments that decide the direction of a multinational corporation masquerading as a democratic nation, and reveal the character of its blue-blooded aristocrats, conniving religious hucksters and corrupt, back-slapping robber barons. We have now been suspended in such a moment for over six calendar years.

We are tasked, those of us who vote, are intimidated into not voting, vote more than once at a time, or more importantly, have substantial stock holdings, to chose between triumphant, noble victory in Iraq or disastrous, humiliating defeat. Luckily, everything in life is just so black and white. Either you're for a peaceful Middle Eastern paradise fantasy conceived in an absurd bubble of historical revisionism and ignorance of human nature, or you're personally responsible for the bloody murder of all them Iraqazoids that will happen if Uncle Sam cuts and runs. And many will die, much the way hundreds of thousands of them have been dying since their liberation in 2003 from a dictator's deadly chokehold and into the deadly chokehold of a sham, democratically-elected, Shia-mob ruled government.

In light of recent testimony from untouchable warrior-bookworm General Petrolus, the surge is working, and it will continue to work. Peace is breaking out all over, especially in remote, uninhabitable swaths of useless Iraqi desert, thanks in large part to the military troop surge I done wink and nodded into existence eight months ago. The surge has done everything I hoped it would do, which was buy political time so I can pass the buck to whatever poor son of a bitch – or straight up bitch – occupies the Oval Office come 2008.

If you're a true patriot, one of the faithful who love America, then take pride in knowing that your President believes all of the cynical, ridiculous falsehoods he reads you off the teleprompter. If you're a Democrat, or thinking about voting Democrat in the upcoming elections, or a Republican without the balls to drown your conscience in a pint glass of single malt, then ask yourself: are you for the terrorists or against the soldiers?