Late-Night Political Jokes April 7, 2008"Hillary Clinton's senior campaign adviser, a guy named Mark Penn, has left the campaign. Apparently, he was coming under some heavy sniper fire." --Jay Leno
"No, as her campaign strategist, Mark Penn is widely credited with catapulting Hillary from her virtual shoe-in to second place." --Jay Leno
"Penn was kicked off her campaign for promising Colombian officials that he would help them get a trade agreement that Hillary opposes. Did you hear his excuse? Hillary wasn't buying it. He said he misspoke. He was sleep-deprived." --Jay Leno
"Former presidential candidate John Edwards announced he will not -- will not -- accept the nomination for vice president. Which is really important, considering no one has asked him." --Jay Leno
"Last week, John McCain visited his old school. In high school, he studied Latin. Did you know that? Well, he had to, that was the only language spoken." --Jay Leno
"John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they're calling it, Antiques Roadshow." --Jay Leno
"He's an honest guy. McCain said last week he doesn't understand the economy as well as he should. In fact, did you hear his plan to save energy? Clap-on, Clap-off." --Jay Leno
"According to a New York Times/CBS poll, 81% of Americans believe the country is on the wrong track. The other 19% admitted they're not really paying attention." --Jay Leno
"More bad news on the economic front. 80,000 people lost jobs last month. 80,000 people lost jobs. But, to be fair, most of those are politicians caught with hookers." --Jay Leno
"In science news, this is interesting. British scientists have mixed human DNA with cow DNA. Now, wasn't Bill Clinton impeached for doing the same thing?" --Jay Leno
"Big shake-up in the Hillary Clinton campaign. This is huge. Yesterday -- true story -- Hillary Clinton's top adviser abruptly left her campaign. When he heard about it, Bill Clinton said, 'Wait, we can leave?'" --Conan O'Brien
"On Saturday, Barack Obama held several campaign rallies in Montana. Officials say that Barack's visit attracted large crowds and doubled the black population of Montana." --Conan O'Brien
"John McCain's the only presidential candidate who is not currently using Secret Service protection. So far, McCain's only protection is the life insurance he bought from Wilford Brimley." --Conan O'Brien
"The Pope announced that during his visit to New York City this month, he will visit a synagogue. The Pope's going to visit a synagogue. When asked why, the Pope said, 'I want to perform for a crowd that hasn't heard my material before.'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to a new poll that just came out -- this is hard to believe -- 81% of Americans think the country is on the wrong track. 81%. The other 19% own gas stations." --Conan O'Brien
"Another competition is heating up -- Indecision '08. As the three remaining candidates for president attempt to separate themselves from the pack, each day presents another opportunity. For example, to most people, last Friday was the anniversary of the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. But to our intrepid candidates, the day was an assas-otunity. But who would win the day? The first rule of exploitation: location, location, location. Barack Obama gave his speech on that day in Indiana, where Robert Kennedy gave his famous speech the night of the assassination. It's impressive historically, but not so much proximity-wise. He only gets 10 points. Hillary Clinton was at the church King spoke in the night before. Strong, but John McCain -- bam, bullseye. 50 points. He gave his Martin Luther King Jr. speech beneath the balcony where King was shot . But, then again, how many points do you lose when you give the speech while a black guy is holding your umbrella?" --Jon Stewart
"Not smart, Senator McCain. And may I say, Senator McCain's entrance into the city of Memphis was no more impressive . And that bumper sticker, I mean, come on . I guess what I'm saying is, you're losing the minority vote." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)
"Slightly sad. Over the weekend, America lost one of it's greatest heroes, Charlton Heston. ... Charlton, or 'Chuckles' as he specifically asked me not to call him, was one of the last great Hollywood stars. He had it all -- perfect teeth, manly jaw, epic thighs. He was like Ronald Reagan, if Reagan had been an actor." --Stephen Colbert
"Last week on 'Charlie Rose,' Ted Turner made a disturbing a prediction about global warming . That's right. Ted Turner thinks we will soon be cannibals. ... In a completely unrelated note, I would like to extend an invitation to the following people to come over to my house for dinner in let's say 2038: Tim Russert, mmm, you're head is so plump with questions; Karl Rove, I understand President Bush's early nickname for you was 'Butterball.' I would love to chew the fat with you, perhaps over a nice glass of chianti." --Stephen Colbert
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April 4-5, 2008
"After Governor Bill Richardson switched his support from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama last week, an angry Bill Clinton said, 'Five times to my face he said he would never do that.' Wow, so he looked you right in the face and lied to you. What's that like?" --Seth Meyers
"Hillary Clinton on Tuesday said she is not a quitter and compared herself to Rocky Balboa -- the washed-up, over-the-hill, white contender who despite a Herculean effort is soundly beaten by the charismatic black guy." --Seth Meyers
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"Hillary Clinton's campaign on Friday released her joint tax returns showing $109 million in income over the last seven years. Though most of that comes from Bill Clinton's speaking engagements, book royalties and stud fees." --Amy Poehler
.."McCain came out this week with a list of 20 possible running mates. He would not reveal the names of all of them, but he said they all share certain traits, like knowing CPR. ... He said he wants someone who is ready take over on day two." --Bill Maher
"Hillary has a new 3 am ad. What is with her with 3 am? First, she had the one; it made a little sense on a political level. She had the one about, you know, the call comes in at 3 am about a foreign crisis. Now she's got one that says it's 3 am and the phone rings with a mortgage crisis. Doesn't she know any other argument to get us to vote for her? Does she want to run the office of the president or run the switchboard?" --Bill Maher
"She spent eight years in the White House and she thinks calls coming in at 3 am are about interest rates? I guess Bill had to think really fast when he was asked what the phone call was about." --Bill Maher
"Poor Hillary. She went on my friend Jay Leno's show last night. She's still trying to put that whole Bosnia sniper fire thing behind her. She said, 'It's been so long since I've been pinned down by anyone.'" --Bill Maher