After the success of the Compassion Forum CNN announces the Fire and Brimstone Forum

[Bjorn Against]

Dear Loyal CNN Viewers,

A couple days ago our network gave you the Compassion Forum so that we could provide you with information on the religious beliefs of our candidates. We made sure to ask them questions which were not one bit inappropriate such as "What is your favorite Bible story?", "Does God want you to be President?", and of course most importantly "Do you believe the Earth was created in six days?"

Because of the positive response we received from theocrats across America for our Compassion Forum we are today announcing a new forum that will please the religious fundamentalists even more, the Fire and Brimstone Forum. We have had enough talk about compassion, now it is time to engage in another favorite past time of those who love to mix religion and politics, we are going to talk about the people who need to burn in hell for all eternity.

We realize that for many of the values voters that we praised after the 2004 selection for helping to reselect Bush talking about compassion is not enough. We need to talk about all the horrible ways people will suffer Satan's wrath after we are done pretending to be compassionate towards them. And so we are going to call our candidates in front of the cameras and ask them deeply personal questions about their religious faith, so that we can be sure that our candidates are not going to have any sympathy for all the minority groups that the fundamentalist values voters wants to see burn in hell.

We are going to ask the questions that you have always wanted to hear our candidates asked. "When a person goes to hell where do you think Satan sticks that pitchfork of his?", "At what temperature do all those heathen children who were never baptized deserve to burn at once they get sent to hell?" and of course, "How are you going to start the rapture and help rid this country of its sinners once and for all?"

Yes, the Fire and Brimstone Forum will help us to ensure that our next President is not one of those Godless Americans who does not want to see all their heathen neighbors be killed off in the rapture. We will ensure that our next President believes that they are much more righteous than most of the rest of the people in the world, and that they deserve to be saved and lifted up into heaven while everyone else dies slow painful deaths at the hands of Satan's army.

So be sure to tune in on October 31 and watch the Fire and Brimstone Forum, so that you can see the great John Hagee endorsed rapture-ready Christian leader John McCain put that Muslim turned America-hating-Christian turned Satan-worshiper Barack Obama in his place. Only on the Christian Nationalist Network, CNN.

Sincerely,
The protectors of theocracy at CNN

[K Gardner]

1. ROFL !! Perfect.. this needs to be in print somewhere other than here !

[hisownpetard]

2. Personally, I was looking forward to the Apathy Forum, but somehow

I just can't get myself to care.

[RUMMYisFROSTED]

3. Cage match! Cage match! Cage match! Cage match!

[Ichingcarpenter]

4. Nice work......... you uppity elitist humorist satirist

The temperature that human flesh burns is 220 degrees or more or 3 hours or more in GDP


Picture of me if I spend too much time in GDP

[JoFerret]

12. Uppity women

Uppity blacks
Uppity others
Uppity unite and fight the GOP

[DearAbby]

5. The ultimate cage match

Armageddon or Rapture match. "Will they be Left Behind, or Raptured?"

[Bjorn Against]

6. I think they are going to get Jesus to referee the match...

I heard the new improved Jesus that the Republicans have brought forward is a real bad-ass and he doesn't care about the rules. If the Democratic candidate gets out of line, he has no problem slamming him over the head with a chair, as Republicans showed us in Florida in 2000 the referees only need to worry about the rules if those rules benefit Republicans.

[housewolf]

7. What they OUGHT to announce: a Unitary Executive/ Civil Liberties/ Toruture/Rendition/ Patriot Act/

Warrantless Wire Tapping/ FISA/ National Security Letters/ Domestic Syping forum

Now THAT would be some time well spent.

[Bjorn Against]

9. Of course it would be time well spent, which is exactly why CNN would never show it unfortunately.

[anonymous171]

8. As a catholic, I was very uncomfortable with that forum

What if one of the candidate's was Jewish, Buddhist, or *gasp* an Athiest? All it does it create this impression that only Christians can become president.

[Bjorn Against]

10. Yes, and I think that is the impression they are trying to make.

I think if they are going to have a forum on religion then I would love to see someone find a way to sneak in some questions on other Gods. I would love to see the candidates asked about Zeus or Hades. And many people in the crowd looked like they seriously needed to learn about the Goddess of Love Aphrodite. While I think Scientology is ridiculous, I would have loved it if a Scientologist could have sneaked in a question about the alien Xenu.

I agree with you though, that forum was very uncomfortable. That is why I wish someone would have asked about Xenu, then it would become so uncomfortable for just about everyone that maybe they would never host such a ridiculous event again.

[JoFerret]

11. Who would Jesus pitchfork to hell first?

Which republican tastes like chicken when roasted?