Hello, My Friends - I'm John McCain - Democratic Underground

NanceGreggs

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Fri Jul-11-08 09:18 PM
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Hello, My Friends - I'm John McCain

Edited on Fri Jul-11-08 09:28 PM by NanceGreggs

My name is John McCain, and I’m told I am a candidate for the presidency of the United States.

Even though I don’t think it’s any of the voters’ business, let me tell you a little bit about myself.

As you undoubtedly know, I spent years as a POW – which immediately gives me Official American Hero® status, and makes me uniquely qualified to opine on everything from domestic concerns to foreign affairs.

I believe in Family Values. That’s why I dumped my first wife when she was disfigured in an accident, and married an heiress whose family was much more financially valuable.

My children also know my estimation of their worth. When I ran in 2000 and members of my own party spread vicious rumors about my daughter’s legitimacy and the circumstances of her birth, I embraced the very people who slandered her when it became politically advantageous to do so.

In other words, my family understands the rigors of campaigning, and can withstand the slurs that will inevitably be hurled at them, knowing that I can’t be bothered to defend them. I can assure you that I will bring this same self-serving attitude to the presidency when it comes to defending our nation.

I have been soundly criticized for not knowing the difference between Sunni and Shia, or the price of gas. Apparently my opponents believe that the presidency should be determined by a round of Trivial Pursuit, rather than a clear and cogent knowledge of what’s really important when one is ruining a country.

This also holds true for those who point to my inability to recall what I voted for and when, as though a sound memory in connection with positions taken on important issues is somehow connected to being of sound mind.

My position on the war on Iraq is unequivocal. The resounding successes we have achieved thus far are bound to ensure total victory within the next hundred years or so – or a billion more casualties, if you want to count in lives rather than years.

I have been to Baghdad, my friends, and I have walked through the marketplaces – in the same safety and comfort that any Iraqi citizen, surrounded by military personnel and clad in body-armor, enjoys.

I have been taken to task by my critics because I’ve freely admitted that although our crumbling economy is the number one issue with voters, I don’t understand how it works. It’s this kind of nit-picking that undermines my vision of a nation that will become economically strong again by … (teleprompter glitch – Mr. McCain will get back to you shortly).

There’s been a lot of talk from the other side about the debt our country currently finds itself in. Let me assure you, my friends, that as a Republican, I am a member of the party of fiscal responsibility. That is not just political rhetoric; it is an honest-to-God slogan.

There have been repeated cries from the left (aka tree-huggin’ hippy commies) about the fact that the day-to-day running of our country is being financed by putting everything on the nation’s credit card. My friends, my entire household is run on credit cards, and it has yet to become a problem for my multi-millionairess wife and myself. Where is it written that the country cannot follow our exemplary lead?

I have been criticized for my failure to advocate meaningful assistance to our veterans. As an Official American War Hero®, I refuse to acknowledge such accusations – but will allow my lapel flag-pin and my bumper-stickers to speak for themselves.

Though often disparaged by the wimps who continue to plague us, my position on healthcare is based on sound advice from lobbyists in the insurance and pharmaceutical industries, along with plain ol’ common sense.

By making healthcare insurance unaffordable, I am encouraging all Americans to live a healthier lifestyle rather than face the economic ruin caused by sickness and disease. Aside from the whiners who become fatally ill through no fault of their own, my friends, this is a policy that will serve the majority of citizens well.

My opponent in this race, Barack HUSSEIN Obama, is obviously hoping to nudge me into exploding in anger and frustration, no doubt having heard of my legendary hair-trigger temper. Again I assure you, my friends, that I know how to keep my cool in the face of adversity. Surely you all remember those photos of me sharing my birthday cake with George while the country faced an incredible natural disaster in NOLA, a testament to my ability to stay calm, even jubilant, in the face of the plight of our fellow citizens.

Of course, the strongest weapon in the arsenal of those who would strike me down is my association with G.W. Bush and his failed presidency. Again I assure you, my friends, that I am a maverick, a loner, a rebel who stands alone and apart from the war, famine, pestilence and death caused by the current president – in fact, forget what I just said about his being at my birthday party, because those pictures were obviously photo-shopped – except for the part where I am cool and collected.

In summary, my friends, I urge – no, I demand that you vote for me in November. A vote for McCain is a vote for everything that made this nation great, everything that makes our country strong, everything that will continue to keep us on the path to being the biggest bully on the block (except for the stuff that didn’t, doesn’t and won’t).

I am John McCain, my friends, and I approve of this message.*

(*All positions, statements, statistics, and alleged facts contained herein subject to change without notice.)