President McCain's "To Do" List ...

[NanceGreggs]

Hire necessary staff to receive/respond to congratulatory telegrams and Marconi-device messages from foreign heads of state on Inauguration Day.

Complete proposed purchase of Louisiana territory, and confer statehood on Utah, Texas and Wyoming.

Invite Tsar Nicholas, Tsarina Alexandra and royal kids to state dinner in their honor, thereby cementing Russo-US relations.

Offer tax incentives to individuals/corporations developing worthwhile inventions (e.g. telephone, incandescent lightbulb, etc.)

Privatize the Pony Express.

Attend premier performance of Lumiere brothers’ “Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat”.

Order horseless carriage for president’s use, as soon as one becomes available.

Confirm bookings on Hindenburg for staff and press corps re trip to Czechoslovakia in Fall 2009.

Offer AG post to William Jennings Bryan.

Set up official investigation into the safety of current use of gaslights on streets of DC, NYC and other major cities.

Check availability of Susan B. Anthony re receipt of Medal of Freedom ceremony.

Review working papers on pros and cons of building trans-continental railway system.

Ensure congressional ink-wells are replenished and quills sharpened at appropriate intervals to avoid delays in doing the People’s business.

Issue position paper on importance of capturing one John Connor, dead or alive.

Appoint Treasury Department go-getter to look into activities of Alphonse Capone et al.

Arrange private weekend with Edward VIII to advise on international implications of “woman he loves” brouhaha.

Issue millions of mimeographs to schools highlighting how hiding under formica-topped desks will protect children from radioactive fallout.

Prepare press release explaining recent weather balloon testing in Roswell, NM.

Deploy US troops to far corners of the earth; mandate: To keep people from falling off the edges.

Inquire as to availability of nearest observatory from which First Family can view Sputnik.

Find suitable appointee to represent the Thirteen Colonies at League of Nations.

Appoint team to investigate/report on incidents of so-called Rick-Rolling and effect thereof on national security.

Deny last-minute pardon request from Samuel Mudd’s attorneys.

Have “Pong” installed on all White House TV sets; direct WH staff to wind Victrola and polish brass horn on regular basis.

Ensure new Surgeon-General has ample supply of leeches, and access to reliable team of blood-letters.

Take accurate inventory of handbaskets on-hand and determine sufficiency to send entire country to hell therein.

[KurtNYC]

1. I like it!

Back at ya:

McCain's Next Trip Details Revealed!
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=389&topic_id=3644664&mesg_id=3644664

[graywarrior]

2. I just "pissed" myself laughing.

[Serial Mom]

22. hope not all over the seat! n/t

[givemebackmycountry]

3. Nance...are you implying that the presumed Republican nominee is old?

I mean that's what I took from your most recent effort.
Are you trying to say that John McCain is old?
Because you are wrong.
My car is old.
John McCain is a freaking fossil!
(And a very rich one at that)

Great job as always.
I laughed my ass off.

[Ichingcarpenter]

4. Bravo Nance, I was gonna do one on McCain is the man for the 21st century

And tie it into the Sumerians and Egyptians in 21st century BC. but I couldn't
find enough inventions, history and technologies to make it work,
except for the invention of the Cuneiform tablets
that spread the information age in that era.

[MinneapolisMatt]

5. ROFLMAO!!!

BWAHAHAHAHA! K&R!

[DearAbby]

6. Snarf

:spray::rofl:

:thumbsup: and K&R

[Duder]

7. Perhaps he'll discover America

Good list NanceGreggs. :)

[bahrbearian]

8. Morse Code for K&R

Dash Dot Dash Dot Dash Dot Dash Dot Dash Can you hear me now John?

[psychmommy]

9. loved it nance

i liked the issue paper on john connor dead or alive. you give the best rant.

[grantcart]

10. Thankfully a list we will never have to see him try and fulfill

[ladym55]

11. I'm not sure about William Jennings Bryan and Susan B. Anthony, though

I think their ideas might be a bit too forward-thinking for McCain ... William Jennings Bryan had a bad habit of advocating AGAINST big business. But he and McCain would be on the same page about creation and the age of the earth ...

[Bette Noir]

12. My mistake.

I thought you said, "He and McCain would be the same *age.*"

[tomreedtoon]

13. Okay. We get it. He's old. NOW WHAT?

I mean, it's fun mocking him and everything else, but it isn't going to convince one voter to switch. In fact, it's getting kinda repetitive.

If you want to get your jollies mocking McCain, how about a different tack? Like the fact that he was an incompetent pilot, graduated near the bottom of his class and crashed his plane? Or that he was held by the Viet Cong and is probably a Manchurian Candidate - which is why so many Republicans say he's the bravest, kindest, most wonderful human being they have ever met.

Or instead of having him rant about the kids getting off his lawn, have him complain that homeless people, legless Iraq vets and starving kids are "whiners." Show him calling everybody, including people whose cars he t-bones while driving his SUV, a "whiner."

C'mon, Ms. Greggs. You can do better.

[NanceGreggs]

15. Uh, it's not about being old ...

... it's about being out of touch with the world as it currently is, and has been for quite some time.

And amazingly enough, I really wasn't attempting to convince a single DUer to switch their vote.

Of course, I've gotta give you right on the "probably a Manchurian Candidate" theory - that's much funnier than anything I've come up with here.

[tomreedtoon]

23. Check out the original movie, Ms. Greggs.

Not the gay remake. Go to the original with Sinatra. I saw it as a kid in the theaters, and it's still chilling.

The most moving part for me was seeing Sinatra's character sinking into a depression he couldn't understand (caused by his own hypnosis by the Communists) and digging his way out - only to realize that this was a tragedy that not even his own detective skills and courage could stop. His reading from the book of Congressional Medal of Honor winners in the conclusion still sobers me.

I think the film was made before the Milgram Experiment, and certainly before the Stanford Prison Experiment. They knew, even then, that psychiatrists and cult leaders could warp human minds and force them into evil and self-destructive patterns. Heck, they had the evidence of Hitler's work.

And although I may be exaggerating in the case of McCain, I don't think so. Somebody blew out the light in his brain, and whether it was the Viet Cong or the Republican Party, it doesn't matter.

[NanceGreggs]

27. ...

... the gay remake?

:eyes:

[tomreedtoon]

32. Yep, the gay remake. Meaning...

...overdecorated, overly pretty, lacking content. Sorry, but that's the common definition of someTHING that's gay. I don't apply that label arbitrarily to people.

The sad truth is that almost everything that's been remade by Hollywood has most of its heart cut out, but has very pretty decor, attractive actors, cheesy pop music and other crap added to it. In the words of that great song by Sudden Death, "We don't need a plot, we got C-G-I."

[1Hippiechick]

29. 'Somebody blew out the light in his brain,..." LOL n/t

[Bette Noir]

14. Funny stuff.

What I'd like to see on his to-do list?

"Plan retirement."

[undeterred]

16. You forgot:

Figure out what my position is on EVERYTHING.

[liberaltrucker]

17. As always

:toast:

Take accurate inventory of handbaskets on-hand and determine sufficiency to send entire country to hell therein.

:rofl:

[Oldtimeralso]

18. McShame is also thinking about letting the Social Security Admin. pay people!

McShame's Social Security number is VIII.

[Oldtimeralso]

19. Another for your list'

He is considering hiring Samuel Clemens to pilot the new paddle wheeler Navy One.

[DFW]

20. You forgot his military credentials--update the military!!

At some point, he'll have to have our armed forced do away with
those old-fashioned muskets, and re-equip with some of them new-fangled
breech-loading thingamajiggies.

[SoCalDem]

21. I nominate Joe Lieberman for the cabinet post of Horn Polisher

:rofl:

[Danascot]

30. You gotta admit Joe's

an experienced horn polisher. I've heard he polishes several a day, though only Republican horns.

[Oldtimeralso]

24. Another for the list

He is going to have someone talk to Orville and Wilbur and maybe have them come on Amrtak to Washington to see if their invention has any future.

[saltpoint]

25. Very very nice.

'Privatize the Pony Express.' Outstanding.

Kick!

[polmaven]

26. PLEASE don't do that again!

I turned on my computer, opened DU, and my stomach nearly jumped out of my mouth when I saw the "title" given in the title. (I know, I know...but after that kind of shock, that's the best I can do)

What a horrid thing to do to a person just getting home from church!

EEEEEEWWWWWW!!!!!

[Politicalboi]

28. Poor Little Johnny

All you "Whiners" whining about him. At least the man knows how to hold a town hall meeting

http://www.jabberwonk.com/flinker.cfm?cliid=6qvu0

[1Hippiechick]

31. OMG! KUDOS to the outspoken protester who SAT DOWN - 60's style!!!!

He didn't give up and he didn't shut up! He was absolutely right! He turned around to the camera and told how he had searched and couldn't find out anything about where the Town Hall meeting was to be held. But, once there, he didn't stop attempting to get into the locked building--banging on the door, kicking the door, and talking the entire time. He represented the 60s protesters well!

[11 Bravo]

33. Appoint a "morals czar" to crack down on the scandalous behavior of Fatty Arbuckle.

[TankLV]

34. not even remotely funny...tired and strained at best...

hardly worth reading, sorry I did...

not worth the paper it's written on...

trite...

a 3 year old could do better...

you get the point...

[NanceGreggs]

35. Oh.My.God.

I am absolutely crushed. Given your critique, I'll probably never post again.

:P