Super Duper Top Secret Republican Email Intercepted and Released

[hvn_nbr_2]

From: [e-mail]
To: [e-mail]
Subject: Hey, dude!

Hey, dude! Long time no talk.

Caught you on that stupid daytime show. Ya done good, buddy. Shouted down that librul piece-a-shit good. That two-bit wonk couldn't finish a sentence. Ha!

But seriously, man, pretty soon we spinners won't have anything left but shouting them down. What the fuck is up with some of those media assholes, calling our lies lies? Who the fuck do they think pays them their salaries? Even without those two-faced traitors, this spinner job is getting harder. I mean, damn, Reagan was senile and Quayle was stupid as shit but at least they never ran together. Now they give us Admiral McUndead and Princess Moosegirl together. Do they think we walk on water and eat live rattlesnakes or whatever the fuck they do at Moosegirl Cathedral?

Oh, yeah, we do turn shit into lipstick, don't we? Who would ever have thought that knowing where Russia is is a foreign policy credential? But if a spin guy is worth his weight in shit, he can say it smoothly like it's obvious and just laugh at any other idea, like it's too dumb to even refute. That's why we'll always beat those stupid libruls. They keep thinking that facts and issues matter.

But seriously, man, I hope I don't have to go on with too many more of those Holy Roller nutcases. Jesus, I have to bite my tongue every damn time to keep from calling them stupid shits to their faces. Sometimes I wish we didn't have to depend so much on such a band of looney tunes. But, on the other hand, they are reliable. All we have to do is yell, "Look! Gays!" and they send money and line up to vote.

Anyway, I'm thinking that, with the way our guys depend on us, we surrogates and spinners maybe should start agitating for some better perks. You heard about those guys over at Interior? Shit, man, they get drugs and whores for fucking giving away oil! And not just any old whores, *corporate* whores. Man, I can tell you, from my days at H(redacted), that corporate whores are the best. Corporations spare no expense; hell, they just call it a lobbying expense. And, fuck, man, anybody can give away fucking oil. How 'bout some perks for us guys who can lie with a straight face like it's normal or something.

So, buddy, what I'm thinkin' is that if they give coke and hookers to a bunch of paper-pushers for giving away oil, we are being seriously under-perked. Hell, without us to pretend that preposterous lies are really everyday reality, they wouldn't be able to hold on to the power to give away that oil. I'm thinkin' that we should start demanding equal perks.

Hell, man, the way things are going, I may soon need me some hooker perks. After that last time I was on Hannity saying that Princess Moosegirl will probably get 50% of Hillary voters and that McUndead is still a maverick straight-talker, even my wife saw through it. I got home and she kind of smiled weakly, shook her head, and went back to peeling carrots without leaving the kitchen or even saying "Hi." Hell, when we were teflon-coating Reagan, she used to greet me at the door with a kiss. Now she fucking peels carrots.

So, buddy, here's the important news, and it's our perfect opportunity to demand better perks. I got the advance word on our next talking points! Oh, man, you won't believe this shit! They're gonna say that Moosegirl was actually raised by mooses! (Is more than one moose mooses or meese or moosen or what?) She didn't learn to talk till she was 12, and--Oh my God! Ain't America great!--she talks just like a regular American, with no Eskimo accent or nothin'. And that's why she likes to kill wolves and caribou. 'Cuz man, like wolves kill mooses and caribou steal the same grazing grounds. So it's just natural, how she was raised and all.

I think this is just to rub it in their noses, the stupid proles and the media jerks that are jumping off the reservation lately. It's Karl's way of sayin' to them, "We own you. We control your middle-class $5Meg contracts. Shape up and start doing your job again or we'll cut you loose. There are lots of dumb pretty faces who'll lie for $5 million a year."

Now I don't doubt for a minute that we can pull this off, but it's far enough out there, that it seems like a real good time to start asking for some commensurate perks. And that's where you come in, good buddy. You see, the reason they haven't told you yet is that you get to go on Billow first with the story, so you won't need any preparation. Hell, you could tell Billow that Obama fucked turtles in Tijuana and he'll make up shit on the spot to prove it. So you got no worries on that. But if you push back a little for better perks because of this story, even when you get Billow, that'll make it easier for the rest of us to ask for coke and hookers. So, bud, the whole spinners community is hoping we can count on you to demand perks as good as oil donors get when they tell you to sell this BS on Billow. Let me know what you think.


Email Category: Restricted. Delete or move to folder KR86auto immediately. This category is this user's default category.

[hvn_nbr_2]

1. Thanks for the R, whoever you are. nt